Detach Dog

[jbnati]

Wow, way to keep your cool tonight, 9. That was a tough convo, but you turned it around by your actions.

It's funny how the WAS get this greedy mentality you've never seen before about stuff you previously bought "together" and weren't really keeping score.

[♪CS♪]

you turned it around by your actions

Exactly. You're doing so much better 9.

[Starsky309]

I dont know, would a lot of husbads lend their wives money after they were caught cheating on them? I was doing the right thing but I dont think she should not expect to pay it back.

9

Not the wise ones.


And no, it was NOT "the right thing." It was the ENABLING thing, and it made you FEEL better to do it, but until you learn to begin operating with your HEAD instead of your FEELINGS, you're not going to make significant progress, Nine.


Starsky

[ninelives]

Saw a good friend of mine down at the soccer field. He owns a grocery store and gave me an excellent deal last year on my BBQ. I asked him what he had in the way of patio sets, Ironically enough, thats where we bought the last ones. he asked , a question if this was divorce related. He knows my sitch ( small town) .

I told him the highlights , he said.

" give it to her , Ill give you a deal so for 80 bucks more you can have a brand new set"

Sometimes, things fall into place. So I texted her this morning and said.

"After sleeping on it, Ive decided to give you the patio set since you picked it out, Ill have it out front for you and your brother by tommorrow."

No reply from her yet. I will not mention the new set and will not tell her about the good deal Ill be getting.

I just want to put this stuff behind me. Its strange how she is so angry all the time when we converse now. Her nephew told me once that she blames me for almost everything and still likes to point the finger at me when things go wrong for her because she feels comfortable doing that. I dont know where he got that from but I am seeing it more and more. I guess its easy to blame somebody else. We all do it to some extent and I know I have done that as well.

Im trying not to show her any anger and actually trying to go one better. Trying not to have any anger. Im doing way better in this dept. Still havent reached the level of foregiveness that I want to attain. I hope it comes some day. Got to keep trying to achieve this.

9

[ninelives]

When we talked yesterday, it didnt help with the detaching. I need to distance myself from her. It sounds like her life isnt going that well.

But she has plans for Sunday, so she cant keep her son an extra day. That saddens me. I suppose she looks forward to time with OM. I know Im mindreading. Cant seem to help it when we converse like this.

Its gettng better, however I know its going to take a long time to get over her and what she is doing.

I wish I could get over her better. im trying.

9

[gr8 day 2B alive]

When we talked yesterday, it didnt help with the detaching.

Then go dark, don';t talk to her.
Get busy with your life without her. Move forward don't lok over your shoulder to see if she notices, just do it.

But she has plans for Sunday, so she cant keep her son an extra day. That saddens me.

You need to learn that her actions neither make you happy or saddens you. Your actions are what defines you and your mind set.


Once you start valuing yourself more as a person, especially a person someone would want to be with, your outlook will change for the better.

Personally I don't have time for people who do want to be with me. It's their loss.

Start taking your R with people to new level.
Know what defines you and live it.
people will either hate you or respect your character.
I betting on the later.

[Starsky309]

When we talked yesterday, it didnt help with the detaching.

Then go dark, don';t talk to her.
Get busy with your life without her. Move forward don't lok over your shoulder to see if she notices, just do it.

But she has plans for Sunday, so she cant keep her son an extra day. That saddens me.

You need to learn that her actions neither make you happy or saddens you. Your actions are what defines you and your mind set.


Once you start valuing yourself more as a person, especially a person someone would want to be with, your outlook will change for the better.

Personally I don't have time for people who do want to be with me. It's their loss.

Start taking your R with people to new level.
Know what defines you and live it.
people will either hate you or respect your character.
I betting on the later.

Wow. Awesome post!!!



Starsky

[ninelives]

Thanks for the input Gr8.

All your advice makes sense and we all know what we should be doing. We should be done with all the splitting up of things now. I hope. Less contact is better I think.

Update: She texts me about a guitar she found on line for oldest son. Sent me a text about it. Wants me to look at and respond.

Then Surprise Surprise. See her at the grocery store AGAIN. She is cashing out as im going in. I bump into a friend as I walk in. MY wife and my eyes meet for a second and then I look away. She looks miffed about something , again.

I go in and start shopping. Im trying to do the anti Medusa thing and not look back. Or orpheus, pick your greek myth.

But I do and she is looking right at me. She then sneers , I think and walks out.

She texts me again about the guitar and then says. Sorry I looked so bitchy at the grocery store. Today hasnt been a good day.

I didnt respond. I dont know what to say about that. I am leaving tomorrow for Southern ONtario again , but this time alone and on my bike.

Kind of looking forward to it but sort of sad. As i mentioned, its our birthday weekend. I will be back Monday for my actual birthday and take the kids out for some Chinese and a diary queen cake in the next town over.

I havent sat down since I got home. Got her bed ready to take and the patio furniture and worked on the pool for about 1 hour.

I know she wont respect my boundries so she will come into the house when I m not there and walk through the house just to see how we are living so I have been cleaning like a fiend as well.

9

[25yearsmlc]

9,
Whooah....you almost got an A+...okay, we'll say A-...pretty close!

til you said the part about how it saddens you that she's spending time with OM blah blah blah.....TIL THEN YOU WERE GOING SO STRONG....

I could barely believe it was YOU...

Remember that your happiness "index" is NOT related to her misery index.

(But if it were-- She's NOT a happy camper- so even if her misery factor were your index for happiness, I'd think YOU WOULD BE HAPPY!!--she's so miserable and bitter and self pitying and --clueless about HER role in creating it, or hiding from it but it is ALL about HER....telling YOU about this...)

OKAY so the point is, you must absolutely keep up the detachment work which your conversation IS an example of, b/c although you two spoke, you handled it well. You did NOT get sucked in. That's a big part of detachment.

But this thing you do about feeling sadness and letting it in, and telling her your plans, AND finding out hers or imagining them...is off track.

BTW, If she were madly in love with OM, or even reasonably satisfied with the choices she has made, she'd never tell you the things she has said.

What a pity party! She's miserable with where she's landed.

All you can do is what you are doing, contrasting your behavior NOW, with the previous behaviors you showed, (your 180s') and a PMA. (Hey, "fake it til you make it", really does help).

I cannot help but notice the contrast between your life now, and her life now. She's noticing too. Ooops. I don't know what that means. (Karma??)

Keep up the good work, it IS working. You are doing better, this is great progress.

Please don't freak yourself out by obsessing this weekend and thinking she's having the best sex EVER, and loving her new cool life with that winner of a boyfriend she has, and NEVER having a single 2nd thought about her great choices, and all the wealth she's basking in, and all the fun she's having and all the room she has in her new "freedom pad" and wonderful close R's with her super normal healthy fun family, and her sons...please...PLEEAASEE It's a lie you told yourself about her life, but really, it's NOT HER life that matters now.

What matters now is how YOUR life is going. How's THAT?

Have a good weekend. You deserve it.

[ninelives]

Thanks for the positive posts. 25, your wisdom on this board continues to shine. Despite the 2x4s handed out, I look forward to your replies. Starsky: the money I leant her, IDK, it didnt make me feel better. I simply couldnt stand to see her in dire straits. I know what you are saying but I big part of me still loves her and didnt want to see her suffer although a part of me did. Conflicted.

Update:

I get a text from her this morning

W: Damn, you were right again about the price of patio furniture, it is really cheap now at Zeller and Canadian Tire.
I know our furniture is a little ratty but I cant afford new ones right now.

I didnt respond.

She sends another:

W: Well I hope you have a nice birthday, and you have a fun time by yourself down south. Have a nice time when you are away.

M: U2

W: You are going to see U2?

Again I didnt respond

W: Im just trying to be funny.

W: So are you and my S back to normal. Also, did you talk to youngest son about his friends grand pa dying.

M: I have taken your advice and will distance myself from your family. No havent talked to son about that. I have about 10 things on the go so I really havent got time to text right now.

About half hour later, I have done the things to get ready and I text her back.

M: I did not get your email about the guitar, talked to my best friend ( she knows he is heavily into guitars) says that guitar is way too cheap for what they are selling it for, must be something wrong, best bet is to get new guitar.

I figure she may be a little miffed because she was trying to find a guitar on line and must have spent a lot of time. IN the past , i shot down some of her ideas ( some where so bad) but I didnt want to feel like i wasnt valuing the time she spent.

M: But I am willing to look at it and foward it to my friend.

W: Okay, so what is your email again.

M: Studegiannis @ yahoo.Stud ( a play on words of my last name)

W: Noway

M: Way
( and she actually believes that)

W: yahoo.ca or com

M: Just kidding and I give her my real one

M: You home now ( She just workded 12 hour shift 730 pm to 730 am)

W: NO , on my way to next town over

M: Huh, you must be tired

W: I am but there's a huge sale at Canadian Tire

M: Well drive carefully, you want to see your birthday tomorrow.

W:I guess Im not thinking of birthdays this year. Im not having anymore LOL

M: I guess that explains your youthfull look and attitude.

W: As if . I know Im haggish

M: Isnt that a scottish Dish

W: And my attitude, wEll thats something less than desired LOL

Ha Ha, I have developed a lisp it seems and hagus is disgusting looking too. LOL

W: did you look at the guitar?

M: No and I have to get going to do my safety check on my bike before I go . If I want to arrive in one peace'

M: Piece

W: Piece or pieces peace. Peace out Ride safe.

At this point youngest son comes over and wants to text. He writes the following.

S: Btw , I love you
and he sends it, and im thinking that she thinks I sent that.

He quickly adds MOM.

W: Thank you , Is this Oldest or youngest. I love both of you.

M: That must have been a shock to you.

W: Yeah, I nearly hit the FLOOR, very funny.

And it was time to go.

Despite my best efforts, and believe me I dont want to feel this way. I am melonchollay about this weekend. I used to look so forward to our birthday weekend. Its rare when a couple can share their birthdays a couple of days apart.

Getting Off the Rock will really help me deal with this. One of my very best friends is coming from Syracuse so Im very stolked to see him.

I put together a birthday package from the boys to her. NOthing romantic , the only thins sentimentle is a pic frame I found stating. " If you knew my mom , you would know what an angel is like" I put a pic of her mom and her dad in it with oldest son.

With any luck and perhaps a little partying, I wont think about her too much.

9