Words get in the way

[angel61]

YOU understand! Its the EGO. or rather the Super Ego?

I come from a family of MD's. Mom, Dad, 3 of us siblings, and we all married MD's as well. Although both H and I are not practicing here in the US, we both hold pretty good positions in biotech and are able to apply our knowledge in our chosen specialty (same for both of us, different subspecialties, whch we both obtained through post docs here in the US)

Can you imagine the amount of dysfunction I have to cope with? My D says my whole family is crazy !%@? whaddayaexpect!

And maybe that is why my H thought he was unimportant! When I was younger I was virtually married to my career as well. My mom once told me that he who travels alone goes farthest, instilled independence and self-sufficiency in us girls, and I once even thought that I would be OK being single all my life. That is why when I first experienced marital discord, I wanted to fly away. I was (an still am probably) holding back part of myself, not fully giving, because of this mindset.

Oh gosh, I feel like a teenager having an identity crisis at this point. Having to face myself.

Ok, here's my continuation. After which I will tell you of a slip up that happened to me yesterday and today, and how I plan to handle them, all in the spirit of fixing both myself, and our M.

Part 2:

2. Forgiveness (and Anger)

25, I did see your post to Tad about forgiveness, the concept of “from this day onward”. That was a very inspiring post, and it immediately resonated with me. I also have realized that in the same way as you– when we were on vacation just a month ago, in which I was so hell bent on enjoying that I told myself that I will shut up and not even think of anything negative. I did have a set-back right after Mother’s Day when my anger and suspicion reared its ugly head, but after that, I read an email from Rejoice Ministries devotionals, and they had a very appropriate email about forgiveness, and it suddenly clicked into place. That and your post.

I realized that forgiveness really does mean leaving it all behind. Not bringing up the past. It was a gradual process, I admit, starting with detachment, but true detachment cannot be achieved without forgiveness, and forgiveness cannot be achieved without stepping back to assess and think and rationalize.

I do think that it has sunk in, and I am really and truly letting go of the anger. A few weeks ago, I still had anger inside me, and for months now I have practiced suppressing it.

Truth to tell, my anger and anger management was a big part of what caused our M to go the way it did. My H was afraid of me, as I have a volcanic temper and would blow up.

I am hoping that this change will be something I can maintain, as this is huge.

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OK, so I just wrote all that part 2 words yesterday, and then I go to be in real life mode and mess up.

Here's what happened:

1. Slip up no. 1 - we were talking in the car about a guy who got fired at work. My H was feeling gossipy, he asked me what happened. I told him no one knew, and everyone was speculating, and that one of the girls at work even thought it might have something to do with his GF. H said how can that be, thats his personal life, and I said that I just went trhough some company training and found out that immoral conduct can also be grounds for dismissal! But in this guys case, he was divorced so it did not matter. Then I went on a little more, and in the back my mind was thinking about how these applied to my H (the OW was an employee of the company he works with at that time), and my brain was telling my mouth to stop! Good thing H did not seem to think, or did not give me an indication that I was saying those things to poke him. The rest of the evening went smoothly, BUT of course I was bothered.

2. Slip up #2: So I felt that I was out of the woods this morning, he made me breakfast as usual. I could not find my cellphone, and went to look for it in his car. A receipt caught my eye - it was a deposit of 3K to a bank I did not know! Without thinking I brought it to him and asked him if he had opened a new account! and remember, my H is really sensitive to my mistrust, (Cyrena knows this). And of course, I have to admit that for a while, my mistrust surfaced, but again, if I had more sense, I would just asked myself if he were hiding something, would he keep the receipt in plain view?

I have promised myself that I was going to trust him with what he does with our finances. I have not seen any evidence so far, in the past year, that he has been irresponsible in this regard. I have access to our joint account, thus could easily protect my own interests if I wanted to.

What I did made him act more distant to me. I can only pray that he will let it go, and at this time value our stability and also see that I am trying. However, I am not going to bring it up as the more I concentrate on it the bigger deal it will seem like - that is how I think about it. Does that seem logical?