May the force be with you young Ericmsant2.....

[ericmsant2]

Looking for some advice/words of wisdom…

Many of you are well aware of the challenges that I have had with my oldest son (17) and I have been trying to figure out what I can do to at least try and repair/reconcile the relationship.

Here is a little background:

• Son is 17 and has always been closer to his mother (STBXW).
• Mother was a stay at home mom for the first 16 years of his life – until the MLC hit and she now works full time
• I remained in the martial home for about 18 months post bomb (I still often wonder if this was the right thing to do but it is what it is and I cannot change the past)
• I have two other children – D10 and S15.
• The R between the other two children is solid.
• D10 has always been very close to me
• S15 is close with both of us.
• Since moving out, S15 and D10 spend between 70 – 50% of their time with me at my house.
• Since moving out S17 (he is going to be 18 in Dec of this year), has stayed over only twice.
• Since moving out son has made the following statements to his friends:
o I am now the man of the house since my dad left us
o I now have to take care of mommy
o I am now forced to do the lawn and all of the house hold work because my dad left us
o I now have to take care of my younger brother and sister
o I now have to cook for my younger brother and sister
• S17 friends have all approached me and said that son is wrong. Most of them “saw” what transpired in the marital home while I was still in the house. In short, I because for the most part a full time parent, while STBXW was busy working and doing whatever she wanted.
• S17 is seeing a therapist whom I did not select; however, in order to avoid any confrontation with son (he apparently feels comfortable with her) I have chosen to allow the therapy to continue (this was against my L’s advice – since the therapist was also seeing my STBXW..or at least had two sessions with her that I am aware of).
• While in the house, STBXW has by her own admission made statements to S17 that would place her as the victim and me as the villain. I understand that I cannot do anything about it but it still does piss me off.
• STBXW…continues to make statements that do not promote a healthy R; however they are very subtle…i.e. mommy needs to live in a 2 bedroom because daddy does not give us enough money (FTR, I continue to pay what I was paying even though not legally required to).
• S17 has said to STBXW, that he will NEVER stay over dad’s house again.
• The place that I have moved to is actually nicer than the martial home and I think S17 resents that.
• In Nov of 2010 after a 4 way meeting with the L’s, STBXW said that she did not want to remain in the martial home (in the Sept 4 way meeting she said she wanted the house, which I agree to give her). At this 4 way meeting both of us agreed to tell the children together. I honor my part of the deal; however, STBXW did not. The weekend following the legal meeting, all three children went to STBXW parents house for the weekend. It was during the drive down that STBXW told the children that she was not going to remain in the home because she could not afford it (note: at this time the financials had not be discussed with the attny’s). It was also during the drive down that STBXW told the children that “I have to protect you so you will need to be with your father half the time” and “the three of you will never be split”. After these statements, the children were quite angry with me – angry because they felt I was not taking care of mommy.
• D10 has said to me, that I need to take care of Mommy, that I should pay more bills than mommy. My response has been that I am, that I am sorry that she feels that I am not and that both mommy and I love her very much.
• S17 has claimed that he wants to live with STBXW.
• D10 and S15 have said that they are comfortable with a 50/50 arrangement, which is what we have at this time.
• S17 now appears to have some serious anxiety issues. Such that he did not go to school. STBXW claims that it is because his girlfriend is getting her license.
• S17 always had self confidence issues. He masks these by being a bully to other kids (at 15 he was 6 foot 210 lbs – a big kid for his age).
• S17 has never been a very good student, which has contributed to his confidence issues.

To date, my approach with S17 has been to:
• Detach and give him the space he needs.
• Continue to try and send him texts every few days to say that I love him and I hope he is doing well.
• I have not communicated to him some of the comments that his friends have repeated that he has said. In short, several have said that S17 openly discuss how much he can’t stand me.
• Continue to try and reach out when I pick up the other two children. I always go up to him and give him a kiss and ask him how he is doing.
• As it relates to his school work and the attitude that he has at school. I have told S17, that I feel that he can do much better but that HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE choices that she makes in HIS LIFE.
• I have told S17 that I will always love him.

So I guess my question is….what else if anything can I do?

I want to make sure that S17 understands that I love him and would love him to be a part of my life. What I will NOT allow is S17 to become a disruption OR impact the R between my other two children and me. I understand that some of this is the result of him being 17. Where I struggle is how much or what part is the result of the D and if I can do anything else to help him.

Finally, there are a few things that I want to avoid with S17.
1) I do not want to try and “buy” him. So I need to tread lightly here.
2) I do not want S to feel any pressure
3) I do not want the other two children to feel that they too can treat dad like crap and dad will take it
4) I do not want S17 to feel like he is being treated like a second hand son.

Any thoughts comments are appreciated.