18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

You know OMW, I think it is entirely possible that he is thinking about moving in with her and just trying to play me to get me to stay around. Once I sign another year's lease he's off the hook for awhile, right? He's either lying to me about how he feels about her or using her (or both)- either is crappy.

This conversation made me realize, truly, that he hasn't changed that much and I've had blinders on about him for a long time. A lot of selfish things he's done over the years have come to mind. This stuff doesn't really matter - I'm just trying to decide if he is worth waiting for or if I am delusional/married to a selfish jerk. I don't think he's really seeing himself and his part in this. It seems to still be my fault/being married to me that made him unhappy.

Do people change? Clearly they do, especially when there is an intense series of events in their lives. When you realize what's really important and what is of value, and put that 1st, amazing change can happen. I just don't see that happening with him. One of our friends suggested that maybe H needs to quit his job and move back home, because he thinks a job should never be that important/self defining. It seemed a little nuts at the time, but now I understand. H sees financial success (and providing for family $$) as more important than being a family. He's trying to justify that the 10 or so hours a week he spends "full time" with the kids is more than most dads do, therefore, enough.

I'd guess he doesn't come back 1) because he doesn't want to leave her, 2) because he cannot handle being a husband/full time father, 3) because he never loved me/just stayed with me because he didn't want to leave me, 4) because he wants to come back, but it's too important not to fail again - therefore too scary to try, 4) he's hiding from the reality of this and thinks he can have his cake and eat it too - I'd just be like a nanny and he'll drop by when he feels like it. Any given minute, it is any, all or none of those.

I don't have expectations of him anymore - he's too all over the place and I really think I have checked out for now. I'm not going to walk away or book a truck, but I am going to start organizing/prepacking. Either way, it'll be good to get things clean and sorted. I did say I thought it might be good if he talked to our old marital counselor - he really liked talking to her in IC and has struggled to replace her.

He told me last night he really likes Adele's Rolling in the Deep...good gravy, he's listening to the "wrong" breakup songs. I'm the one who should be singing CeLo's Forget you and Adele...just weird.

I wonder if he'll get aggressive legally at some point and try to keep me from leaving. Right now he thinks if he comes up with $ I'd just stay.

Sorry guys - I am writing so, so much. I am just trying to get some things out and work through my thoughts. I feel so long winded. That probably means I need to go find someone to talk to..BUT, I don't want people strongly trying to influence me, you know? I want understanding and advice, like what we see here, rather than pressure to make a decision.

Thanks.