First of all I had a horrible dream that my wife just decided to pull the plug on our marriage with basically no warning (sound familiar). I woke up from it very depressed. Even though it was a dream the feelings were very real.
last night and this morning brought out 2 strange experience that have sent me reeling a bit.
Okay, since Monday. I have not brought up the separation and neither has she. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty good interactions actually. I could sense that she really felt comfortable around me.
So she works later on Wednesdays. She came home around 9. she pops into my sons room where I'm putting him to bed and says, "I'm going into our room, but if you want to come in for a bit you can." Okay
I put our son to bed then go into the room and she is laying in bed. We talk for a bit, I've been having a lot of kid duty over the past couple days. She thanks me for it and says she will get up with them tomorrow, etc. She then says she is tried and going to bed. I say Okay.
I go over to her and bend down for a kiss and hug. She turns away from the kiss and hugs me. This morning we are at our cars ready to leave. - Same damn thing - she turns her head to avoid the kiss.
I know you shouldn't over-analyze small things but dammit they were pretty telling at lease cause a reaction in me. WTF is going on? i want to ask. The first one I kinda shrugged off, the second one is the start of a pattern.
I am hurt, sad and mad now. I'm mad at myself for Saturday. I'm hurt by the apparent rejection and sad for the future. I will rebound today, but It's tough right now.
I really just want to call her and talk about things - how she feels about me? how she feels about the M? is still on board for S? is she hopeful? discouraged? what? what? what? But I know that just a horrible idea. I hate being unsettled, but I would also hate the answers I fear.
how did I end up here....again. late march to early April was how it could be? I feel I've wasted a year and half of our marriage and it just keeps going and going. I don't know how to stop it other than get off the ride (M)
it's just one of those days. Where I feel hopeless and frankly lost the ability to give a cr@p about anything.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
