Tipper, this is all very positive. One thing that you will come to realise is that the idea that we can somehow fix them is a sign that all is not well with us. We somehow get the idea that to focus on us is selfish, whereas all we can focus on is ourselves. This doesn't mean we cannot care for or do things for others. But we actually are more effective at dealing with others when we ourselves are well and strong.
We lose a sense of self at some point in all of this, and those that remain stuck, in general, are those who do not regain this sense of self. They remain focused on getting their marriage back instead of getting themselves back. If they simply get their marriage back it will almost certainly not work because they slip back into co-dependent enabling behaviour, and the WAS will not grow, but slide back into co-dependency.
Your honest and revealing remark about self pity says it all: you are recognising that you have self pity. This is good. What has happened is very very tough. But now s your chance to do something about it, and yourself. It is a God given opportunity to grow and prosper, although it doesn't seem like that for a very long time.
You are on the road to emotional health and happiness, but like the start of any 'fitness' programme all you feel is aches and pains at first, and a sense it isn't worth it. Getting sorted emotionally takes a long time, especially if like most of us here we have a long period of enabling and co-dependency to overcome. We feel as if our happiness is tied up with this other person. It isn't, it just feels that way. When we learn to be truly happy alone, then we will have a chance at a good relationship, which paradoxically we will 'want' much less because we are healthy and whole n ourselves
