If you're only annoyed, you're doing better than I was. I would get soooo mad. I would drive my car to an open area where there were no houses and just yell and scream.
I know it's hard to deal with all of this. It looks like he's just as happy as a jay bird and enjoying his life. Truth is you don't really know. Looking into their lives, it's easy to see how thay have all this free time and in some cases the finances to just go and do.
There truly is a price to be paid for everything. Karma is not a sweetheart.
What do you do to take care of you? Do you have any plans for the weekend? As hard as it is to imagine feeling better, it does happen and right now, you need to be your best friend and really take care of yourself.
I am mad Grace, very mad! H cant see that what he is doing (being with OW) is wrong. He told his mum that he didnt see their relationship as long term, but yet he continues to see her. So is he with her cos she idolizes him? Pleasures him in every way possible. Is this also why he is staying with his current job - because they tell him that they cant afford to loose him. It really is all about his ego isnt it. Narcissistic?
Urrrrggghhhhh why cant i just let him go!
OK I need some advice. I was reading about 180s last night. A 180 for me would be to pursue. Whenever H and I would argue I would stand my ground until he apologised. I was a bit short tempered and stubborn and wanted him to come to me first.
Am i doing the wrong thing by doing LRT? This has got me nowhere so far. I realise it has only been 8 weeks. At this point we do not communicate. He has not tried to talk to me either. He only messages me to let me know when he will be picking up S3. Should I try something different or continue to go dark.
Please help....
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I wrote MIL an email yesterday asking why she thought it was a good idea to have dinner with H. This is her reply:
Hi xxxx, There are 2 issues, one is the family the other is the relationship. We can't do anything about the latter until or unless H is ready. However you will always be a family with S3 at the centre until you die. It is important that you can communicate and show a unified front around him and positive parenting. I can hear a number of examples where this is not working well. I know 100% H wants to parent well with you no matter what else happens. Of course I know you do too. To do this effectively a regular meal together shows you can talk about S3, share some positive time as a family and keep up to date with what is happening and not rely on email or text. It should not go for more than 11/2 hrs. It is hard at the beginning but it is a wonderful way of keeping communication lines open. I hope this makes it a little clearer what I meant on the phone.
Lots of love
MIL
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
The thing I think that you must do when applying the LRT/going dark... is to continue that path... no matter how long... Patience is the key.
Your MIL even said: "you cant do anyting about your relationship until your H is ready" - (If he will ever be). That is the bottom line, nothing we do or say is going to change that until they change their own minds - On their own time.
I was just waffering on my own decision to cont. the LRT myself, but I was told by many here to just keep doing it. Sometimes it takes months, or even years. It is hard. But it will allow you time to focus on you.
I understand keeping the lines of communication open in regards to kids, family, business, or sep. agreement info, (mostly any really important things you can not avoid). But if he has a OW, as long as she is in the picture... I would continue staying dark.
Positive parenting, co-parenting, is a great ideal. Sometimes the best you can do is paralell parenting. Your son is young and like all kids, he does need both of you and if you can be friendly, great, if not, civil can work too.
With an ow in the picture, I think I would stay as dim as possible. Of course when it comes to your son, you will need to talk and the dinner idea is a good one....if there wasn't another person involved. That would be a deal breaker for me.
You though, aren't me. You son is much younger than my D's were and for most it winds up being joint custody, so you have to be able to talk.
I'm not the best resource for this one as I am one of the really lucky ones. I have my D's 24/7, always have had.
If it weren't for the ow, I would say that dinner as a family can be a positive activity. That's too big a fly in the ointment for me. If it isn't for you, and you decide that you want to give it a whirl, you don't have to do it any longer that what works for you.
Had to meet at a local restaurant for H to pick up S3. My cousin and her family came over my parents place and H didn't want to see them. I haven't told them anyway so I was ok with not having to deal with them either.
So when I met H he had to get the baby seat out of the boot again. This always makes me angry because I know why he takes it out. Anyway, after putting S3 in the car he chats abit about the job offer he received during the week. He said he hadn't decided which job to take but was leaning towards staying with his current work place - I'm sure OW would be using her influence here. I listened and validated. Then I noticed him wearing a watch. H always said he hated wearing a watch because he hates any kind of jewellry. Well he was wearing a brand new Tag Huer watch! Unbelievable! The guy has no money, has racked up two credit card debts and now is walking around with a brand new TH watch. Meanwhile I'm scrimping and saving to make a life for S3 and me and he's out shopping, partying, boozing and wining and dining to his hearts content. So unfair! Anyway he said he had to go so then he leant over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
The next day as he dropped S3 off he wouldn't even get out of the car. Gosh these MLCers drive u insane! Nice one day and then not the next.
Visited SIL on Saturday she gave birth to a baby girl. She told me that she told her Aunt that she had lost all respect for H. She told her aunt about OW and said she was surprised cos Aunt didn't look shocked. That's because BIL had already told her this info. H's whole family have really lost respect for him. I feel sorry him but realise he brought this all on himself.
I saw a card MIL gave to SIL for the birth of her baby, MIL signed it from her, FIL, H, me & S3. This made me cry a little. I know she still thinks of me as family and I know she wants us to get back together. SIL said if H ever brought OW home she would not speak to her. She said she has no respect for a woman who goes out with a married man who has a child. I believe this is how MIL and FIL feel too. They love me and S3 very much and feel that H has done the wrong thing by us. I think the whole family feels shame. And now the extended family knows which is now worse. His extended family love me too. Always had a very good relationship with all of them.
Time is really helping me with how I'm feeling. I am starting to enjoy things a bit more. I'm laughing at work again. I'm watching tv again - although I can't watch couples kiss or be intimate as it makes me think of H and OW...yuck! S3 and I are doing fun things. I know it can only get better, it's just gonna take time.
Won't see or hear from H till Wednesday when he sees S3. Then he's going away with OW for the weekend. Seriously they have such a great life don't they - until Karma catches up with them that is!
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Something that has really been bugging me is that a few months before H and I seperated we had a fight and he was obviously depressed. After we made up he brought his laptop in our bedroom and announced that he figured out what was wrong with him. He said that he thought he was going through MLC. I kind of laughed it off.
However, after we seperated I brought it up again. He kind of laughed and said well I did buy a sports car.
What does it mean if H is aware that he is going through MLC? Shouldnt he want to put a stop to it or get treatment? And if he is aware and obviously did a bit of reading then why is he doing all the stupid things they do - affair, spending money, leaving family, dressing like a teenager, drinking alcohol, lying?
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
My h asked me, about 6 months post bomb if I thought he was in MLC? I cautiously said that he was displaying some of the signs, and he asked me for soe things to read, which I sent.
He then decided he wasn't in MLC! And then rounded on me for putting labels on him. I learned very quickly after that to offer NO ADVICE even when asked. They do not want to know. Some get treatment, and most don't but they have tofigure it out themselves.
You and I are in similar situations, and I just wanted to tell you that going dark and staying there has helped me for the most part. I still have bad moments or even bad days. But, for the most part, staying dark has helped ME. I too struggle, with the whole, "This isn't changing the situation" thing, but it really is, because I am not on the crazy rollercoaster with him!! It has caused me to remain focused on me and my D16. It has afforded me the opportunity to determine what I need to do for me. MLC is their issue, we can change it, we cant knock them up side the head and get rid of it. MLC is a journey and process they have to do on their own. It doesn't matter what we do because we are damned if we do and damned if we don't!! So, just take care of you and your S3.
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Last night I felt a great sense of sadness. I was lying in my bed and I realised - Im alone. H is not here and he may never be. This isnt just some stupid fight where we make up and everything will be ok. Its not ok. And I dont know if it ever will be. H has broken his vows. He is with OW. He is in love with someone else. He has abandoned his family.
S3 has been sick since last week. He wakes up coughing and crying. He crawls into my bed and I dont get much sleep because he keeps me up. I hate H because he doesnt have to deal with any of this.
I hate thinking that he has all the freedom, money and fun. I hate thinking about him with OW. I hate that he cant see what a psycho she is. I hate that he cant see what a bright future we had. Urrrrggghhh I just hate this!
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
