Words get in the way

[angel61]

Thank you Cyrena and 25. I love the way your questions make me think, and how your experiences enlighten and encourage me. I feel more and more like I am not walking alone, you have gone through the same path before me, and my hand is being held by strong, capable ones.

I was miserable in the M between 2-4 years ago. I made sure that H knew abut it – nagged him about his lack of affection, complained, was cold, even told him 4x that I wanted out. Not that I really meant it, it was more of drama for me. He was at that time the one who reminded me of my vows. After fighting, we would get back together, and for me, everything was forgiven, I did not know realize that I had pushed him away. Later I figured that we were at odds because our love languages differed – mine was physical and quality time, his were acts of service and words of affirmation. I accepted things but did not really act on it, but there were less fights and our marriage became peaceful, if a little flat. But otherwise, life was good.

Of course there were other things, but what M doesn’t?

All of the above I have known but now that I feel that the sitch is in a different phase, I am revisiting all my feelings, my realizations and finding that I have a different perspective. It is no longer just finding out why this all happened, but really, really using all this knowledge. I am processing all this information as it relates to me.

At this point, to answer some of your questions:

1. My love for H – just as my H did not know how deeply I loved him, so did I not know. Only when this happened to me did I also see that love is a choice, and that I could learn to love him unconditionally someday. I was selfish myself, and had a lot of anger and frustration in my heart, throughout the years that we were married. My love was based on expectations.

I question the love he has for me but I did not question mine, but now I see that I too, was lacking in many ways. And now I am working on that. That is what I am doing, and I believe that as my heart changes, so does my actions and my priorities. Most important, I am gradually losing my selfishness.

I never understood it before when my H said I was selfish, and so did my D. I always saw myself as a person who was generous, who gave back to my family, my community. Even as a youngster, my fantasies where of being a superhero who helped people in need. I am a doctor, and early in my career, when I still lived in my home country, I did so much charity work. My heart bled for people who suffered, and being an MD was a perfect way to alleviate their pain.

What I never realized was that doing all those wasn’t really a “sacrifice”, wasn’t putting others needs before my own because I was also fulfilling my own needs by being the “hero”, the “rescuer”. That did not really qualify me for being unselfish! For things that was going to cause me pain, I still put myself ahead of others, and that IS selfish.

The same with my H. I was his mentor, he was a resident when I was an attending, I taught him a lot of what he knows. A friend of his once told me I was his hero, his idol. I tried not to overshadow him at home, and let him be the leader of the family, but somehow, my personality always was stronger, my decisions faster (not necessarily better). But the dynamic changed, and he came into his own, successful as well, no longer under my shadow.

I never really bothered to analyze how this changed everything, and intellectually, I was so happy that he was finally was independent of me, and that he was the breadwinner, that I could relax and enjoy the ride and no longer had to be the driver.

But all the years of his being under me – could that have made him feel unimportant? Less than what he was? Did I make him feel less? Those are questions that come into mind with what you have asked me. I know that at times I have – I have shown my impatience when he would ask me questions and I felt that these were things he should have known, I may even have been sarcastic. My tongue could be sharp. I did not praise when I had the chance to. I was like a parent, expecting him to perform well in his career because I knew his potential. I even told him once I would not have married him if I did not believe that he would do well in his chosen field one day. I thought that it did show him that I respected his intellect, but again, showed that my love was conditional!

Nonetheless, I have realized sometime ago that he needs to be appreciated and valued and have been working along those lines some time ago, and I do see him responding to it in a positive way.

I think though I am getting better. My D told me the other day that she did see that I am less selfish now. Not that she could explain why, when I asked her, but kids do have a way of sensing the basics.

TO BE CONTINUED. SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG, I AM JOURNALING WHILE ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS AND PROCESSING MY THOUGHTS AS WELL.