Words get in the way

[25yearsmlc]

My H still does not realize that love is a choice.

How do you know he does not realize this? I see a lot of mind reading, so I'm wondering why you believe this.


But at least he is starting to realize that committment has many meanings, and one of it is making sure that your family is protected and safe....He was then shocked, and blurted out "what if I can't live without you?"

That's an amazing thing to hear. Were you moved by that at all?

It took time but he realized in the end what an mpossible situation it was.

As he said, he was not looking for the EA, it just happened. He never admitted to me that he loves her, but I did get into his computer once and read his journal, and at that time, I nearly died of heartbreak....in it he described feelings for her that he never had for me. My H was never romantic with me, our R came from a friendship, but with the OW, it seemed to hit him hard, right between the eyes.

I re-read some of my journal entries and realize that at the time I wrote them, I believed them. That does not make them true.


I came up to him and told him I was setting him free, but only after we had made sure that everything was in order - our finances, my career, our daughter... and everything changed. We had to re-evaluate our priorities.

We had always been so big on parenting. After we had our daughter, we became parents first and husband and wife next.

One more thing I realized as I was typing this: My H thought that I was miserable in our M. I think that is why he thought that his fantasy would be readily accepted by me.

THIS IS HUGE!!...WHY DID HE FEEL SO UNIMPORTANT TO YOU? Be honest and bravely look at this. It's actually good news, in a way.

WHAT 180S ARE YOU DOING SO HE DOES NOT FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN? YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY HERE...an opportunity to change one of YOUR behaviors. It's not "all up to him and his moods" and OW and blah blah blah. You can make a difference here.

He was probably surprised by my reaction but realized that I did after all love him deeply. He had such a hard time processing that he had hurt me so badly.

Such a valuable insight. He did not know you deeply loved him??..Yikes, That has to change. Do you see that? Have you gotten a DB coach? They were very helpful and specific with me.

At that time, he also had the mindset that kids will get over divorce; his only experience with it is a cousin of his who underwent a mutually agreed upon amicable divorce, thus had no problem co-parenting.

Most WASs believe this. They assume since kids don't all kill themselves, they must be "okay"...as if merely surviving is good enough. My h was the product of divorce as were both his parents (yes I know the stats are pretty bad. But turns out we've been m longer than any other couple in our family now. The DBers know it wasn't easy but yes, it's worth it).

Anyhow, My DB coach gave me some great advice. Here's some of it.
"Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives" we see, and that can be very hard to do (like Mother Teresa hard). But dang if it didn't help. When I read "The Five Love Languages" it hit me that h's love language is affection and words of affirmation, big time.

She also said to lose the anger, at least in front of h. That is key. No one misses being with an angry person, and that has nothing to do with OW. Plus, being calm and letting go of your anger is way better for your d.

Also, it's crucial to ask yourself this: If your h believes you will never forgive him, why should he bother trying? And If you won't ever forgive him, why would YOU want to keep trying?

He has to believe it's possible for you to forgive so when you get a chance to show you are not miserable or hurt, show it. Give him a glimpse of what life with you could be like without your pain, or his guilt/pain.

Here's an example from our history, fwiw.

My h was about to move away to the tundra/adventure, which obviously angered and terrified me. But he had a conference in Palm Springs first, and we could all attend and have some fun there. For obvious reasons, this was weird/fake to me, and I thought "why should we act happy when h is hurting us so much? Why allow him to lie to himself? Why protect HIM from the pain he is causing us?" This was flawed reasoning and here's why...
First, who wants to be around miserable people? Seriously...

And Ultimately I decided to go with h, b/c I thought it might be the last time my d's and I would have a "vacation" with h, and that it could be a good memory for all of us, instead of a nightmare or fight scene.

For the 4 days, I chose to simply shelve the issues, and any and all negatives I felt for h at that time, I was able to put aside. I guess since I knew it was temporary, I could do it. Like I knew I could "be mad again later", so it was more or less do-able.

So for those 4 days, I looked at h with neutrals and positives, letting go of any and all annoying things, not to mention the big fat ones. I laughed at his jokes and ignored the down sides, and oddly, after 2 days, I actually liked him more. And he responded really well to it. And the kids and I had fun. I could see the older d breathe sighs of relief at the time. So We went on some tours, rode horses, and had a ball. IT was among the best 4 days we had had in a long time... like the first good smooth time in a long while.

Then I realized, "wow, is this what forgiveness could look like?...Instead of obsessing about the past, & my 'grievance list of wrongs h did to me', what if I just chose to move on, 'from this day forward'..." and I think HE got a glimpse of what life could be like if we healed. And that has so much value.

I don't believe in the R talks unless they initiate them OR unless they are asking something of you. Meaning, if he says "let's move to another city" or make some big change, you are entitled to explanations and reassurances about the R so you don't risk losing something valuable for a whim.

But to drag it up when times are good or you are trying to just tread water and not drown, seems like sabotaging your recovery. And his.

IMO, unless he's asking for something, back off and let him work this out.

Plus, about 18 years ago I had an EA (didn't see it that way at the time, but regardless...).

Our m was for the first time, getting really hard. We'd been m 9-10 years then. I did not tell my h about it but I worked it out with a great shrink, and a minister and some changes I made in my life that helped me feel the passion I had missed (I ended up joining a theater group which actually made a huge difference in my life).

Point is, if my h had found out and tried to shame me, or expose me, I would have left him. Why? B/c I felt at the time, justified. I felt that my h was neglecting me -actually he was an intern MD and frankly, he WAS neglecting me/us. He was working his butt off and was never home, and when he was home he was falling asleep on the floor, after first being REALLY irritable for 15-20 minutes, and then passing out. Super fun and this was not a short term thing. It was years long. And I had a tough full time job too, and at that time we had 2 small kids. I had joined the military for h, and oh by the way we were at war...So I was very burdened and resentful of his choices having such a huge impact on ME...and then, OM showed up at that time and paid LOTS of attention to me. I barely avoided a PA and only b/c of some divine intervention did I (OM got transferred overseas).

Years later h had his MLC and left us for 2 years, with visits every few weeks. I could have "cut him off" to punish him, but it just seemed like what man would come home to the great sex he never had?

I knew how I had worked out my EA (with help) and felt that h would have to do this without me shaming him and guilting him BUT I admit, at first I did do all the arguing and pleading and I felt a lot of anger that I had given up so much for h, for years, only to be repaid with him leaving again...

Yes I was angry. And my journals reflected that. They do not reflect total reality. I suggest you stop snooping and obsessing about his feelings in the past or what he feels now or will in the future.

YES Love is a choice. It also grows over time and bonding experiences like raising a child together. Our d22 just graduated from college this month and at moments like that, you know why you stayed together and that it was the right thing to do.

Our s24 just called to say he is "in love" with his gf and might marry her. I'm glad my h and I are together to hear these things...

give your h the time he needs and don't ever let him wonder if you love him deeply, again. It's good to feel loved, and yes, it matters.