The big punch

[JustStunned]

Mk, it seems to me you are more assertive now than when you first posted. This is a good thing. You have to look to your interests, as no one else will.

Decide what is important to you, pick your battles and stand your ground. Do this from the position of personal integrity, what is personally right for you, your daughter and your relationship with her. You may have to compromise occasionally, but do not sacrifice.

Your W decided to end the partnership. You are not making her suffer when you stand for yourself, your daughter, and the relationship a father has with his children so long as you do not have malice or spite in your heart. She is suffering by the consequence of the decision she made.

It is easy for people outside of the sitch to give blunt hard advice. The have little to no emotional involvement and cannot perceive the subtleties of the rollercoaster ride we are all on

[♪CS♪]

My lawyer put in that wife needs to stay in counties that are between dallas and austin along the highway

OK, that is different, still far, but different.

As a litmus test, I suggest always asking yourself: "Is this best for me and D?"

[2stepboogie]

It is not a simple thing at all. It is your right as a father. You are thinking waaaaaaay to much on what your wife might think, do, feel, or react instead of thinking about the one thing that really is important.

Your D.

DB does not mean lay down on the tracks.

Can you fight for your rights without becoming enemies with your W?

[Redo]

Thanks JS, CS, 2Step

Can you fight for your rights without becoming enemies with your W?

Very interesting question 2Step. Even with wife putting up all these restrictions on the decree, i dont have any anger towards her. But what is twisted is that wife actually feels that she has and is making too many concessions for me. So the moment i oppose any of her crazy demands, she flys off the handle and says lot of mean stuff (there was an episode that happened 2 weeks ago after i told her that i was retaining a lawyer).
So to answer your question, yup, i am all too eager to sit down and discuss with her. But she is not.

[25yearsmlc]

Her L will probably explain things to her. Sometimes the best thing a spouse can hear from an unreasonable one, is that the unreasonable WAS has a L b/c then they get some "reality" therapy. As you may recall, I felt your w could have been accused of abducting your child and you could have gotten full custody and or forced her to relocate, b/c your w DID deceive you when she went there and decided to stay, WITH YOUR CHILD AND WITHOUT YOU OR YOUR CONSENT....you allowed it to keep the peace and what has that gotten you? She wants her d's name changed?

Wow...Myk, I've never seen that here. This is a first. It's NOT reasonable.

You are confusing asserting your rights & DUTIES as a father, with harassing your w. They are not the same.

I almost think your w will see you in a better light if you are more assertive, but I don't care if she does. Plus, your policy of appeasement has accomplished what Chamberlain's did...more surrendering, not less.

Your d comes first, which means your R with her comes first. Stop acting in fear of your w, and putting that fear ahead of all else. It was your fear (major conflict avoidance & maybe some shame??)

that let her steal your d in the first place, and now they lives 200 miles away, and no repercussions happened...in fact, she has gotten everything she wanted and you've gotten only the scraps she tosses your way.

Myk, She will NOT 'wake up' and tell herself she's gotten all this and that she was unfair or selfish. That's a lesson she'll have to learn when consequences come her way. So far, YOU have prevented any such consequences, so why would she think SHE has been unreasonable?

Being a man of honor and strength does mean, sometimes, making waves. Oh well. You owned your issues and worked on them. Maybe too late for her, but not too late for YOU. So you face the conflicts to come, you deal with them.

Don't take the easiest path (the path of least resistance) to avoid the conflict, and then tell yourself you were trying to be peaceful or trying to do right by your d...

You'll do right by your d by having a real R with her. That means time with her. No way should you allow her name change, imo. No way.

What possible reason exists for that? The "shame" of being a child of div? Really? When did that matter to your w? It's a lie. Don't allow it. Any issue related to your child, you need to assert. In the long run I don't see how that hurst you with your w and I also, do not care if it does.

The property issues may seem like small things but I wonder...her career will pay well someday. I wonder if she fears you'll want some of it. Hey, If it's leverage that helps you with your d, so be it.

That's my take on it. I'm not always right and I don't kid myself about that. But this name change thing really bugs me. So did the abduction she got away with. Have you ever told her you could have called the cops, and then SHE would get supervised visitation at best?Does your L know all this? She needs to.

[Redo]

25, thanks for your feedback.

Her L will probably explain things to her. Sometimes the best thing a spouse can hear from an unreasonable one, is that the unreasonable WAS has a L b/c then they get some "reality" therapy.

So odd you should say this because wife seems to listen better when her lawyers says the same stuff. I guess because the personal stress is taken away. Who knows.

Your d comes first, which means your R with her comes first. Stop acting in fear of your w, and putting that fear ahead of all else. It was your fear (major conflict avoidance & maybe some shame??)

Believe me, I've never been this assertive during my 11 years of marriage. That is why it is so weird for me. But I think it the right thing to do.

Myk, She will NOT 'wake up' and tell herself she's gotten all this and that she was unfair or selfish. That's a lesson she'll have to learn when consequences come her way. So far, YOU have prevented any such consequences, so why would she think SHE has been unreasonable?

You are very correct here. I have been very accommodating for most of her requests. But i guess it is because i am taking the wasy way out. If i have to learn from life, i'll have to face the conflicts too. I've learnt this after joining this forum. Nowadays I am dealing with them much better. I am doing this because consciously i want to become a stronger person.

You'll do right by your d by having a real R with her. That means time with her. No way should you allow her name change, imo. No way.

What possible reason exists for that? The "shame" of being a child of div? Really? When did that matter to your w? It's a lie. Don't allow it. Any issue related to your child, you need to assert. In the long run I don't see how that hurst you with your w and I also, do not care if it does.

Yea i dont have any plans to allow the name change to happen. I was in a fog when i did agree to it in january.

Her reason for the name change : she said that since daughter would be living with her and seeing more of her parents, she did not want daughter to ask why her last name was different from that of her mom's (my wife's). That i think is a really bad excuse from my wife. The problem has been that wife really started paying undue importance to what my daughter was saying.
when daughter was 26 months, she asked my wife if she was happy. I dont know where or how she picked that up. This got my wife thinking that she indeed was not happy in the marriage and that even daughter began to see that. My wife told me that one of the big reasons for her seeking divorce was because daughter began to see and understand or martial issues. I could be wrong, but i think daughter would not know much at 26 months. That just sounded like BS from wife. But i dont dispute that with wife because she would not understand.

Right now i am on the fighting path. I am just fighting for a fair share to spend time with my daughter. I am caring much about the property skew. I can always earn that back. But if i lose my daughter, i cannot get her back.

[Redo]

BITS: I need some feedback from you. I am lil lost from the convo i had with my wife yesterday.

So my lawyer sent over the items that she wanted changed in the decree to wife's lawyer. The big things were visitation schedule, not agreeing for daughter's name change and asking for joing custody instead of sole custody.

wife calls up yesterday saying that she wanted to talk to me about these things. Against my better judgment, i agreed.

1: The original schedule in the decree was that i get to bring daughter for all of her school holidays each year. The reasoning was because we were 200 miles apart and making daughter travel was not good. While i did not like it, i was okay. Then i requested wife to meet me half way to exchange daughter during pickups. So then she got the schedule changed such that i now cannot bring daughter to my place for all holidays but only for some. Which means that (a) i dont get to bring her for 1st,3rd,5th weekends (b) I only get to bring her for half of her school holidays. That reduces the total time to about 20 days in a year. That was ridiculous. So my lawyer asked to change all that standard schedule. So wife got really angry on the phone.

w : "You know i always throw you a rope thinking you will be happy with it, but you always ask for more. This is how you were even in our marriage."
M : "Wife, you are saying that i can bring daughter to my place about 15-20 times a year. How can you call this fair??"
W : "Okay, what will you do when daughter has her scheduled activities on the weekends like swimming on dance classes. How are you going to explain to her. You are being selfish here as usual. Right now you are only thinking about yourself and not about daughter"

The convo we had after this is pointless because wife just kept saying how immature i am behaving thinking only about me. But i told her calmly that i would not budge on that stipulation. Wife then got really upset and started saying that i was shouting on the phone. To calm her down, i said that we both should go back and think about this some more.

Question to BITS: If the spouses stay far off, how do they handle the child's weekend's activity schedule? Do you just have to cancel those activities?. I'd love to know. One other alternative i can see is to ask her to stay in the same town as i am. Then we would not have this issue.

(2): Then she goes to the name change issue. People, my daughter's name is "E R K". 'K' is her last name(like mine). 'R' is her middle name, which is the same as wife's last name. Wife now wants to change the name to 'E K R'. This way wife and my daughter will have the same last name. I asked my wife to give me a reason for the change. She said that 'K' was harder to pronounce than 'R'. That seemed like BS reason. My wife had the last name 'K' for 11 years and she never complained.

M : "Wife i am so sorry but i will not agree to daughter's name change."

W : "Whats wrong with you. I am trying to work with you here and you keep fighting me on everything."

M : " Wife i have compromised on things with you. The change of name is where i draw the line"

W : "Lower you voice and stop screaming. Just shut up"

M : "Look if you cannot talk properly and not use word like shut-up, then this conversation is over"

Then wife just hangs up the phone....

BITS, i just dont know what to think. Am i being a hard-head in not agreeing for the name change ? I am not sure. She guilts me so much that i usually fall for it. Yesterday i did not.

Every fiber in me tells me that i am not being un-reasonable to expect to see my daughter more than what i am being offered and her last name to be the same as mine. I'd just wanted to know what you think. I am not sure i am being too harsh on my wife.

Thanks!!

[ninelives]

I dont think you are being unreasonable MK.. However, there is a point about her activities. This will be a tough balancing act but one that should be workable. Bottom line is, you want to be a part of your daughter's life.

As for the name change, again , I dont think that is unreasonable. But times are a changing so who knows anymore.

I think that others can advise you better.

Remeber to stay ultra calm on the phone. Dont give her any excuse to say you are bullying her or raising your voice. Staying calm drives them nuts anyway.

Sorry things are so tough.

9

[LearningPatience]

You have to stand up for yourself and your D, no question. It sounds to me like your W is using your D almost as a hostage or weapon against you. I hate seeing that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I *really* suggest that all communications go through your L from now on. She thinks she can bully you if she talks to you directly.

[Queen_of_Swords]

In my very humble opinion, no you're not being hard headed about this.

I see one other solution in regard to scheduled actitivies and it may sound loopy, but for instance, if she has music lessons have two teachers or an online lesson?
For other activities like team sports this obviously is not doable, but you could always travel to your daughter and be the chauffeur/chaperone for those. I see your daughter is three, a lot of things can and will change before that time I think.

(((mykarma)))