Even though I quit trying to save my marriage a couple weeks ago, I still like to comment here in addition to my journal at home. I find it calms me and I hope that others may learn something from what I go through.
This morning I was thinking about how much STBX must really hate me to humiliate and disrespect me so much for so long. Why didn't I know that sooner? So many times I thought I understood what was going on, but the reality is I never did. However, I think now I truly do. I have removed all my blinders and see the cold stark reality of the last 8-9 years of my life.
The good thing about seeing something so dark is that it makes me realize there was no reason to save our marriage. There was no care, affection, love from her and that is not what a marriage is about. Sure, I could have stayed blissfully ignorant and been surface happy for the rest of my life, but that's all it would have been.
Today is day 9 of dark, and I wonder if STBX will ever contact me. There is nothing positive in her doing so, but I simply wonder how long it will be. She's likely so relieved that she no longer has to fake it and pretend to have any interest in me. She finally has reached her ultimate goal and while that still makes me angry at times, in a weird way, I respect her dedication. She has never shown so much dedication to anything else ever.
