OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

Faith, 25, sparks, and AJ,

You are all very correct.

I no longer have a clue what I want out of this. I've come to the realization that she may not be worth the effort, not because of some idea of failed marriage vows or our supreme distrust of each other, but precisely the opposite. We've both lost way too much of ourselves in this marriage. She realized it a while ago, but I am now beginning to see exactly her position from my own perspective and completely agree. Neither of us are the real "me" any longer.

I have reflected a lot lately on a precise moment in our relationship where I made the conscious decision to change who I was, moving towards husbandry and begin down the long road to which has led me to this place. At the time, I had not a care in the world. I was much younger, a free man, with a life plan of travel and adventure; a life that I set aside and to be with this woman. Now, 15 years later, a family I never needed (but I do adore my D), houses, cars, taxes, mortgages, jobs, careers, soccer games, play dates, and a whole slew of other non-necessary, irrelevant items used to bind common man to whatever "standards" we judge ourselves by and I'm left reexamining myself and not liking what I am seeing. I feel strongly I've been betrayed. I feel duped. I feel like I've been sold a worthless bill of goods and I am MAD AS HELL!

Not because my WAW cheated on me. Not because she left me. Not because she walked away from a loving beauty we once shared. Sure, all that stuff is horrible and hurts deeply, no denying that. But that's not what's eating me. I'm mad because I let it happen. I gave up a life I wanted for a future I'm never going have. I am mad at myself for walking away from who I was and willingly becoming someone I never wanted to be only to end up with nothing for my effort. It's not my WAW's fault. It's my own. She just opened my eyes to it. Perhaps, in the end, I will thank her for the awakening.

So what do I want? I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to be able to go back to that very moment and make a different decision. However, it's not so easy as reality always has a way of giving you unwelcome wakeup calls and keeping you locked firmly in place. I have a daughter. I have obligations. I'm stuck for a while longer. And I hate it. And I am to solely to blame.

I'm concerned about what I am teaching my D: that being a spineless oaf is ok. To just lay down and accept that which is dumped upon you - so not built into my spirit. But, yet, I am conflicted, as I take issue fighting for something that has robbed me of me. This is not to say I want to file for a D; I still have my word - one of the few traits left of the me I once knew. I'll stand by my commitment to our M - my WAW will have to bear the burden of ending it, as I cannot yet do for her what she wants me to do - do it for her, be the bad guy, and take all the blame for ending it.

So what is left? My answer is to continue to battle myself and fight to regain that which I so handily gave away. To try, everyday, to realize I made mistakes and that I can forgive myself for them. And that I can let go of some ideal which may not exist anywhere except in my own mind. Ultimately, to feel honestly good in my own skin again - not just faking it.

Perhaps I'm just scared of change and holding on to something that no longer exists. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I'm 45 and cannot imagine "fixing" myself for this M or any other one, as I don't care to ever "go there" again. Marriage or not, I just want to be me, and be ok with that.