Words get in the way

[angel61]

My H still does not realize that love is a choice. But at least he is starting to realize that committment has many meanings, and one of it is making sure that your family is protected and safe. A few months ago, I would say that he had fantasies that if he left us, he could have his freedom to pursue OW, and at the same time, still take care of us. He even proposed to me that we have a legal separation, but that he still live with us part time so he could cook for us and take care of us. I told him then and there that he either stay or go completely (divorce). He was then shocked, and blurted out "what if I can't live without you?"

It took time but he realized in the end what an mpossible situation it was.

As he said, he was not looking for the EA, it just happened. He never admitted to me that he loves her, but I did get into his computer once and read his journal, and at that time, I nearly died of heartbreak....in it he described feelings for her that he never had for me. My H was never romantic with me, our R came from a friendship, but with the OW, it seemed to hit him hard, right between the eyes.

It really made me question his feelings for me, that after a few days I came up to him and told him I was setting him free, but only after we had made sure that everything was in order - our finances, my career, our daughter who always had anxiety issues). This was sometime back in february. Then after I did that, I started having terrible anxiety attacks.

Our D then started having anxiety attacks as well, as she realized that our family was falling apart and she was losing her support. Then she cut herself, and everything changed. We had to re-evaluate our priorities.

We had always been so big on parenting. After we had our daughter, we became parents first and husband and wife next. Not a good thing I know. But at the end of the day, while we both have our faults, our D12 did not ask to be born and we owe it to her to make sure she grows up unharmed.

I have been reading MHL's sitch and it reinforces my gratitude that my H did not abandon us.

One more thing I realized as I was typing this: My H thought that I was miserable in our M. I think that is why he thought that his fantasy would be readily accepted by me. He was probably surprised by my reaction but realized that I did after all love him deeply. He had such a hard time processing that he had hurt me so badly. At that time, he also had the mindset that kids will get over divorce; his only experience with it is a cousin of his who underwent a mutually agreed upon amicable divorce, thus had no problem co-parenting.