Over the weekend, I told me W that I wanted to let her have all of the money raised by selling the old cell phones and car seats. She said that she wanted to discuss it in therapy, so I had anticipated my W bringing it up today. She had a small prepared statement. The just of the statement was to say that she wanted me to sell the items and for us to split the money. She said that she discovered that her initial anger of the situation involved me controlling the situation. She felt like my brining up the solution on how to raise money was made without any input from her.
She also brought up how she clued in from last week the idea of me being a victim in this situation and how it has affected my decision making. She believes that I am trying to control financial matters to in order to force her home.
Our therapist had me validate what I took from my W’s statement. I could tell she was working on this validation piece for me. Once I was clear of the intent of her statement, I was allowed to for my own thoughts towards it. I explained to my W that I did not wish monetary items to get between us. I had recognized this same feeling from several months ago regarding her taking money from an extra paycheck. I have learned from this past experience and want to take the same approach. Why would I ever let a few hundred dollars get in the way of my divorce busting?
I also mentioned how I have never tried to force my W’s hand financially. Months ago I had told my W the same thing. I don’t want her coming home for the wrong reason. I have no gain from her not making it on her own.
I told her that I have no intention playing the victim card. My sole focus has been to stay positive and grow through this process. I told her that I wish to improve our relationship and have taken every measure possible to keep that focus.
We had a long discussion on how there will be some needs of mine that will need to be presented at some point. I explained that my personal needs are being addressed in individual therapy. Both of my therapists have told me that my W is not in a place to be receptive to my needs. Our couples therapist mentioned that she now believes that we are in a place where I can start bringing up some of my needs. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. My W is still angry. She is not in the same place where I am. My needs for better communication and less anger will not be received well at this time. Now is not the time to start bringing up the faults in my W that I had problems with in our marriage. I feel my W will only take them as further reason why our marriage was failing.
At the end, I quickly mentioned how my W has a difficult time sharing anything with me right now that is it all personal to her. This has gone back a long time and been discussed before. If I ask my W any questions about her, she will change the subject to our son. I had mentioned that this was brought up again recently when I asked about her new second job. She never wants to talk about it and seems annoyed that I even ask about her. She told me that she thinks it’s clear that she doesn’t want this job. She feels like my questions are too enthusiastic and fake. This is why she has difficulties talking about herself. I get this feeling pretty steady now. The idea that my changes are not genuine. My upbeat personality is fake. My questions about her have some sort of agenda. It annoys me. I told my W that my questions about her personal life couldn’t be more genuine. I miss my W and want to know about her. I have a genuine interest in her and want to keep upbeat and positive.
W again mentioned how she does not want me to get my hopes up. She feels that by being so positive, I am ignoring the reality. She feels like I put too much effort into trying to save our marriage where she is trying to be better co-parents. I explained to her that the relationship between to married people and the relationship of two successful co-parents have many similar qualities. The communication and care will be there either way. The paths are similar. She just wants to make sure that I understand that she is happy right now and has found her new freedom to be nice. She does not want me to waste all of my energy on a false hope of renewing our marriage. She is still trying to find herself and her sexual orientation. She wants to make sure I understand that she is not ready to move back in and get back together.
That is pretty much how we ended this week. The frustrations that I have are further evidence that I need to refocus and seriously rebound from this funk. I feel like I am lost right now. I need to re-establish my goals. I need to figure out how to tweak my approach. I need to rediscover my patience. I am starting to feel the emotion again and need to detach. I need help in so many ways that it is a bit overwhelming. For months, I have considered how a DB coach could help me in this sitch. I am not sure how I will be able to afford it, but I think it is time to check into it. I think they could help me regain my focus.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
