Hey MHL, I know I do not post to you normally but a little birdy told me there was this guy on the boards who was dealing with the same sort of thing that I had with my XW.
I have read back a bit and while we are not identical we are certainly similar.
Briefly:
My d17 has not seen her mother other than once for 2 minutes in over two years. Her mom texts her maybe once every two months and its usually just a one liner that is for the most part meaningless and guilt laden.
My S14 splits his time between me and his mom. He has to deal with the nightmare that is his mothers life every other week. He gets sick and tired of her bull, but sticks it out because he does not like the thought of her not being in his life at all. Yet he does speak more lately about living with me full time and in his words "letting her live her life".
My D17 was in therapy for two years starting when she was 14. The therapist understood and agreed with her and her choice not to have a relationship with her mom. She did however make sure that my daughter understood that she does need a strong female in her life during her teen years.
So how do you deal with it? Well here is what I can tell you. The first thing is you have to view your xw as having an illness. You have to console your children as if she really was mentally ill. When it comes to your daughters relationship with her mom, stay out of it. Let the two of them work that out. Be supportive of your daughter, but do not get involved.
When talking to your xw, do not counsel her. Do not continue to feed her the map to success only to be let down every time. You have told her whats wrong, let it go. She is not going to magically change and become mother of the year. If she ever does come around it will take months, if not years, of work for her to repair damaged relationships with your children. No offense, and forgive me moderators, but fuckk giving her a call every time you go see your daughter. Let her get off her butt and go try and see her,. Even if she gets rejected at the door it will mean more to your kid that her mother tried. You telling her whats happening does not serve a good purpose for their relationship. Make her earn it.
There are medications that will help your daughter. Losing your mom, whether it be to a death, mental illness, or any other reason is tough on a teenage girl. They can give her meds that are non-intrusive but help her to stay level and not get depressed. She will be ok MHL, you just be her dad and support her.
Your son probably is in the same boat as mine. He sees the insanity, but its more important to him to have his mom in his life in some capacity than to not have her at all. She isnt calling him back, does that really surprise you? Really? Nah, its just easy to get upset and protect our cubs by acting like we are upset and in attack mode.
Allow nothing to surprise you, expect nothing and you cannot be let down, you are a single parent and you need to separate your relationships with your kids from your relationship with your xw. Be a single parent in every sense of the word. You do not have a competent partner that you can count on so stop setting yourself up for disappointment. You have gotten yourself to a point where she cant hurt you anymore, get yourself in that same place when it comes to your kids and her relationships.
I don't know if any of this helps or not, but I can tell you that it does get better once you let go of the woman you once knew and start accepting the one she is now.
Keep taking care of your kids. Thats what matters most.
