Good question. Mostly because I can't handle the mess. I need to make the kids breakfast and their lunches in the morning and prefer that the kitchen is clean.
I guess I could stop doing this and just let things pile up! See how long before she decides to help out. I see where you are going with this, rigjt now I am just furthering her current behaviour.
Punchy In my opinion these type of games, just make things worse. You don't want her thinking that you only help around the house so you can rub it in her face. Just calmly and lovingly confront her on the issue. I know this is easier said than done, but doing things in order for her to "get the hint" smacks of passive aggressiveness. WAW's can read this like blood in the water.
I don't mind doing the cleanup if she uses the time to interact with the kids or go work out etc. Doing nothing by sitting on the couch all night and drink doesn't resonate with me.
I wouldn't say that I am doing this just so that I can rub it in her face. I do it because I want the house to be clean and tidy for our kids. My oldest son has friends come to our house everyday ar lunch time and I cringe at what they they think on those days when I did not have time to clean up and there are multiple days of food and pots etc on the counter.
Makes it diffcult for me to get the kids to help out when they see their mom grab her drink and plop down on the couch for the evening. Having said, that if it does bother me than I should as you suggest have the quiet conversation with my wife.
Its like last night when I went to go visit my mom and finally drop off her Mother's Day Gifts. My wife didn't want to go and then the kids all said that they didn't want to go either. I went by myself and had to dodge the questions from my mom about why the grand kids did not come along for a visit. Wife said that if I had given more notice it would not have been a problem.
I guess my wife felt bad about it this morning because she sent me an email from work after she had finally listended to a voicemail message I left her about wanting to go visist my mother this week. She said we should invite my mom over for dinner this weekend which was a nice gesture. I will take her up on the offer. I told my wife not worry and that I should have given her more direct notice of what I was planning.
It was all I could do yesterday to not slide into my old self and get mad because no one wanted to come on the visit. My mon goes out of her way to buy nice gifts for the kids or give them money and they couldn't come along for an hour visit. I just said that I will go my myself because I needed to see her and left it at that.
Anyway, it did generate a nice email exchange between us today. So far this week the emails were very cryptic and to the point. This morning there was actually warmth and well wishes included. The rollercoster ride continues.
I don't mind doing the cleanup if she uses the time to interact with the kids or go work out etc. Doing nothing by sitting on the couch all night and drink doesn't resonate with me.
I wouldn't say that I am doing this just so that I can rub it in her face. I do it because I want the house to be clean and tidy for our kids.
I'm going to call BS on this. There is no doubt that give you a sense of superiority over your wife. You post reeks of it.
So much for the warm and fuzzy. Wife was back to her distant approach over the weekend. We ended up having my mom over for dinner and my wife basically ignored her the whole time. Not sure if my mom noticed or not, but I thought it was pretty rude.
Over the weekend, my wife pretty much kept to herself. She went to the gym twice and did not invite me to go with her. She mentioned that she was going and I did not offer to tag along. I figure if she doesn't ask then she doesn't want me to come along.
Got my morning email from her this morning and she was back to her cryptic self again...
kids are up and are on the bus. No Hi, no have a nice day, nothing.
I need to book my summer vacation time off from work. Have asked her 3 or 4 times what I should be considering as time off. Asked her again this morning and no response. I am really getting tired of her approach to our life. The WAW has all teh control, can say and do whatever they want and we just have to tag along for the ride. Yet anytime that we do something like that we are seen as being controlling and confirming why they are so right in their reasoning to walk away.
I really wonder how much longer my wife can keep up with this approach to our marriage. If she is really unhappy with where she as it in life, why doesn't she just go? If I am that horrible a person and the OM is so wonderful, then why not go be with him.
Anyway, just venting. I have not changed from my overall approach and have not asked her for an update on either our relationship or the OM. Will keep being positive and upbeat in spite of it all. I am currently just finishing up my work day, but have no real interest in going home and living out another episode of our fake marriage.
Well, we are back to the warm and fuzzy today. Got a very nice email from her this morning all friendly and full of well wishes. Not sure what triggered that. My prior emails to her this week followed her cryptic format. I responded today in a nicer way. I will take my lead from her, if she is friendly, then I will be friendly. I maybe wrong here, but I don't think that she should be able to expect anything beyond what she is giving from her side.
We had a discussion the other night about the vacation plans for the summer. I raised the issue again about needing to book my time off and needing to know what she was planning for the summer. She got very terse and said that it was based on finding out what time her sister who is coming to visit this summer is going to be spending time with our family. We know when she is coming but don't know who she is visiting and when. I remained calm and just stated that was fine, but I would like to know if she was going to take any other time off and do I need to take time off at the same time. She then said that we should probably book a vacation for us and the kids which I saw as a good thing. It was a painful process. I can't imagine trying to have a discussion with her around our relationship, I can't even have a conversation about vacation time.
In terms of moving forward, I have given myself a new deadline of this November. At that point it will be 2 years since the Bomb was initially dropped and almost 1 year since I confirmed and confronted her about the EA/PA. If at that time there is still no interest from her in starting a new relationship, then I am going to advise her that it is over. At that point I can hold my head high knowing that I made every effort to try and address her concerns and become a better person.
It is one thing to live the remainder of our lives as roommates, that I could live with. But at least with a roommate you would receive a good morning, a good night, how are you feeling or how was your day at work once in awhile. To be ignored or treated like you don't even exist is not something that I want to endure for the rest of my life. I have read on other threads where people have commented on how much more difficult it is to live with a WAW then to be separated. The advantage though is that they get to see your changes, although you pay a price for that on day to day basis.
I am going to spend the next 5 months detaching from her and focusing on myself and my kids. My work and emotional state have suffered too much over the past 18 months and to continue like this indefinitely would be detremental to my career and my health.
I went to see a psychic last week, the same one that my wife went to over a year ago. I don't believe in them but this guy had some pretty good insite into my wife's situation. He even identified that there was a "lone wolf" out there waiting to enter into my wife's love life. How true that was.
Anyway, alot of what he said wasn't relevant but he did spend considerable time talking about how over the past year or so I have been working hard to try and fix a problem that the other party has no interest in fixing. He went onto say that the other party would really like me to stop trying to fix this problem. He also stated that in order to save myself and my emotional stability that i needed to end all of this and move on. Not doing so would be the end of me emotionally. Not sure how much to read into this, but it was kind of interesting.
Hi Punchy, I see you are still there, haven't checked your sitch for a while. I too am stillhere in this together but lonely life. When your spouse is emotionally unavailable it just is so hard!
But I am learning to be happy from other things, learning not to concentrate too much on my H.
I do wish that our sitches would start moving somewhere, somhow.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Yes, I am still here. I have not posted in awhile as there has not been much to update on. My wife and I are still living as roommates, nothing has really changed relationship wise. I continue to work on being the person that my wife originally fell in love with, but it is more for my self esteem then anything else. I never want to go back to being the person that drove my wife away from me.
The only positive change is that my wife has accepted a new job with the company that she currently works for. She will no longer be working in the same department or building as the OM. She is even considering applying for another job with a different company. I think this is good news as far as the OM is concerned. Doesn't mean that they can't communicate electronically, but it does reduce the daily interactions etc.
Other than that, I continue with the same daily challenge that you face. Living with an individual who makes it very clear that they don't want to be with you. No good nights, no how was your day, no how are you feeling today, zero, nothing.
I had lunch a couple of times with a women who used to work with me, she is just recently separated as a result of her husband having an affair. The separation was painful and tough going, but she is now starting a new life for herself and is in complete control of her future. Does make me wonder whether we are doing the right thing by trying to make the best of what appears right now to be a hopeless situation.
At any rate, I am going to keep going for the sake of my kids and ensuring that later in my life I can look back and not have any regrets about not trying my best to save my marriage.
We were cleaning the house on the weekend and I found a Birthday present and card for my wife under our bed. The gift was a new cell phone and the card was unsigned. My immediate reaction was that the gift was from the OM.
Last night I casually mentioned to my wife that I noticed that she received an early Birthday present. Turns out the gift was from her Consultant friend, that if you read my previous threads will see that he was initially the person that I thought my wife was having an affair with.
I then took the opportunity to ask her about what was going on between her and the OM, first time that I have asked about him since last December. She got rather annoyed and simply responded that she only sees him occasionally at work through meetings etc. I knew that this wasn't the case but did not challenge her response.
She then went onto say that the problem is not with her other relationships but with ours. I responded that I didn't think we even had a relationship and that I couldn't even begin to describe what our current situation is. I then said that I am prepared to work on our relationship but would leave it up to her as to if and when that would take place. I stated that we had drifted apart and rather than dicussing our concerns, each of us chose to keep our issues bottled up inside. Her response was that I was always difficult to communicate with, (which is true) and that because of this she gave up trying to discuss anything with me other than the kids.
I acknowledged her concerns and agreed with her 100 percent, that I was not a great communicator but that I was working hard on trying to be a better listener and more open to discussion etc. She responded that she has moved beyond working on the relationship and has no interest in discussing anything with me. In the past I never wanted to have any meaningful discussion so why start now.
I told that her that she never shared anything with me either and instead chose to share her concerns with a co-worker and that people at work knew more about her than I did. She had no response to this statement.
That basicaly summed up the discussion. No resolution in sight, only a clear indication that she has no intention of working on the relationship. She is simply in our home for the sake of making it appear that we are married and still a family. My overall sense is that at this time my wife still does not even like me as a person.
I have a long, long way to go just to get her to the liking/friendship stage. Need to stay positive and focused for the sake of my kids.
