Harrier

[Jack_Three_Beans]

She is still adamant on living part for a while. I am less than convinced

Adamant is a very hard word to argue with. It is hard to convince someone who is adamant about something to change their mind.

So saying, what she is describing:

She still wants to spend as much time as possible. Like dinner every night, I still put one of the kids to bed, I stay after to talk or just leave and we still do stuff as a family on weekends.

That really doesn't sound like living apart. That sounds like...a fluffy version of a fantasy life.

I would be the one moving out.

Why?

She is the one who wants to sperate. This is the one thing that always baffles me.

Sometimes we can be TOO accomodating.

There is no hard reality if she isn't the one who has to move, from the comfort of her home.

Not arguing with you Harrier, seriously, I just never will understand this.

It's like...getting a divorce to make them love you again...it's a twisted thinking to me.

Her choice is impacting your life. Her choice shouldn't ONLY impact your life.

"You're not happy? Ok...well...have you found an apartment yet? Wait...ohhh everything BUT me makes you happy...I guess I'll look for an apartment."

Right or wrong? I really don't know. It is one of those things that baffles me.

She said she knows why I would check. She knows that any contact hurts me, but she can't not have contact. She has reduces her contact next to nothing. She quit working for him one day a week, quite calling him/texting him, quit seeing him. She even quit working on something that was a great opportunity for on just to limit contact and I know it was hard on her. Think psych testing during brain surgery. She'd do it if he wasn't involved.
She also lets me know when she has major contact with him.

Not to put too fine a point on it.

If I recall, he was on a fishing trip? It was a Saturday?

It was work related? It was important? She contacted him?

I TOTALLY get why your warning bells went off Harrier. So should she.

So my hot button is is contact with OM. The only way I find out is to invade her privacy (as she see it) which is her hot button issue.. See the issue?

100%.

Crystal clear.

Are you invading her privacy?

Yup. At least to her, and that is all that matters with that.

Are you worried about contact with the OM with just cause?

Ummmm...yup! At least to you and that is all that matters with that.

You BOTH need to compromise.

Right now? Her first. Later, you give in.

She should be willing and able to swallow her privacy issues and later you should be able to swallow your OM issues.

When you do come across something about the OM...do not jump to an immediate conclusion. Talk to her rationally about it.

(I know making excuses for her.)

uhhh, yeah. Stop that. : )

I get the feeling you offer her easy outs of questions by prompting her possible answers.

Try to stop doing that too.

example:

Why do you think we should seperate? Is it because, you want space? you want to grow fond of me? You like not hearing me snore?


replace with:
Why do you think we should seperate?


Just as an example.


Harrier, you have a bit of time before all this goes down.

we do things that cause the other pain.

Stop causing her pain, and stop taking the things she does as slights. Maybe there are, the obvious ones likely are, the ones you have to think about are probablly not.

Who knows...maybe she won't be so adamant about getting different places.