Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[Navyguy]

Thanks guys. 2step, you are right I went back and reread some of my old stuff. Definitely helps me keep perspective.

Here's the latest chapter...

Last Thursday was D5's preschool graduation. When I got home from work I wanted to take everyone out to celebrate. S2 was sitting on his toddler potty in the living room. We are working on potty-training him. I was excited to go to dinner because we were going to try a new pizza place that I heard was really good.

As we were getting ready, S2 was still sitting on his potty and watching TV. So, somewhat caught up in my excitement and also in-line with making the potty fun and exciting for him during his potty training, I walked over to him and poked him in his lower belly (I didn't touch "it") and said "pee-pee pee-pee pee-pee!!!!) to try to get him to go. W saw this and asked "did you just touch his pee-pee?" I said no, I didn't, and left it at that. I absolutely did not feel like I needed to defend myself to her for what I did.

On the way to the restaurant W had her 1000 yard stare on and wouldn't say a word to me. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that what I did to S2 was really creepy. At this point I got pissed because she's treating me like a child molester. I didn't want to get into it with her so I just said sorry and again left it at that.

W stayed pissed off for the rest of the night. After we got home and put the kids to bed I asked her why she was still pissed off. She again told me that what I did was creepy. I told her I didn't like her treating me like a child molester and that I think what I did is pretty normal and wasn't wrong. I told her that I think boys and girls are different when it comes to this. She then said "don't try to rationalize what you did, they say that's a big sign that there is something really wrong. All you rationalizing does is make me want to call my friends to ask them if i'm being unreasonable, and I'm guessing they won't think so. You can go ask your therapist or whatever about it and I'm sure she'll say the same thing". At this point I was really pissed (probably as mad as I've ever been at her) and I didn't want to blow up on her, so I just said I'm sorry, I understand where you're coming from, and I won't do it again. Then she says "don't think I'm overreacting to this because of my past". I told her I don't and that I won't do it again.

I had IC last night, and I was worried about bringing it up to the IC...because of W's reaction I was actually worried that I possibly might have done something wrong.

Well, at W's suggestion, I replayed the entire scenario to my IC. I believe I gave a very objective recap of the events. After I finished, IC was EXTREMELY adamant that I did nothing wrong...and said it to me multiple times. I even tried defending W's point of view and said that I don't want S2 to grow up and think it's ok to touch other people like that. IC said there's no chance in hell he could have thought that from what I did. I could tell IC was getting pissed off at W for the things she had said to me. IC basically started attacking W at this point, which was very hard for me to hear. IC then said that this ties back into the "secondary trauma" thing she has been talking about the past three weeks. Due to her past, W sometimes treats me like I am an abuser and a small part of me is actually starting to wonder if I actually did something that wrong. IC said there is a huge difference between being an abuser and not being a perfect husband.

IC then went on to say that if W doesn't go get professional help with her past, she'll likely never "turn" like I'm hoping she will.

Pretty tough IC session.

Now back to Sunday. W woke me up by bringing me breakfast in bed. Things pretty much went downhill from there. W was very cold and distant all day. Nothing but one-word answers to anything I asked her and she didn't initiate any convo with me all day. It wore on me all day but I didn't say anything to her until after dinner. I asked her why she is so mad. Her response: "I am tired and I think my monthly friend is coming". I told her that all day long she has been very cold to me and that I have been thinking that I did something wrong. She said no, I didn't.

I then told her that it is totally fine for her to have bad days, but given her past complaints about me not being there for her, if I have a choice between ignoring her/leaving her alone or trying hard to be there for her, I am going to err on the side of not making the same mistake I have in the past. She then told me I didn't need to try that hard. I then asked her to just let me know if she's having a crappy day. I have no problem giving her space if she asks for it, but it is very, very difficult to guess. I left it at that and then went to bed.

Last night (Monday) I got home and W was in a great mood. Very friendly and talkative.

What a roller-coaster ride this continues to be...