It is an internal thing - for you. It is when the "pain" subsides and you can once again "feel" other emotions or just have a little peace which surpasses understanding.
It is when the "fear" and dread is overcome: of losing her, of the end of a marriage, of the future.
That's dropping the rope.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
chance, the mind of a WAS is a muddled, confused place at best. I've heard both 'I want a D' and 'my fear is that you'll never come back' come from the same person who told me she loved me and yet told me she didn't.
The idea of positive change for your own sake comes on slowly, but eventually I think most of us realize it. At first it sounds like a gimmick to get the S back, but eventually you realize it's to get YOU back. Strong enough to know whether you want to go back or strong enough to know if it's time to let go.
No one knows what the future holds. Hope is good, but don't make it your raison d'etre.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Without uncertainty, there is no such thing as faith or hope.
We all must live with uncertainty.
Taking things for granted is what got many of us here in the first place.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I think she does really care for me, but thinks our M is over. Is this common?
About as common as it gets... She will probably tell you if she hasn't already, and understand she probably REALLY believe it, that she loves you.
I think they go with the "if you truly love something, you need to let it go" as though they are helping the LBS in some way, while helping themselves.
Anyhow, it ain't over till it's over.
Detach and GAL. You'll need the focus and the energy.
Thanks, folks. I am now on my trip and away from the W. Trying to let the idea that my M is over settle. She is going to do what she is going to do, and it is apparent that she no longer wants me in her life. Lots of tears, 'it didn't have to be this way' and 'we should have paid attention sooner', but I can't tell if she is sincere or just playing me.
Never thought I would have that uncertainty about the woman I have loved for 20 years.
Would'nt it just be easier to suck it up and walk away?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
There is nothing in the world that is going to make this easier, that is for sure. One of the wonderful folks on this site asked me to make a list of the positive things about separating from my W. Couldn't come up with a single one. Maybe I am just despondant. Not maybe. Definately.
So a question I am wrestling with: W has a game plan that she thinks will lead her to happiness (D and moving away). Am I a fool to help her put this game plan into reality, thus being the nice guy, or do I just LRT and ignore what she is doing? In my feeble brain, keeping the resentment as low as possible can only help in the long run.
Thanks for all your help. I am surely in a rough patch here.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Will your helping her cause her discomfort? Or will she appreciate it?
After she's gone, will she look back and think of you as a source of misery or a source of peace?
That should help you decide how much to assist her or not.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I think she will look back at me as a source of peace and comfort. I can do no less for this woman I have loved for 20 years.
I in the process of losing a huge chunk of my soul. The fact she might look back at me as a source of peace is a good thing. That is assuming she will ever look back. At this point, I think not.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Chance, don't give up now unless you really want to. I think my W was in a similar place about 3 months ago, she was on the fast track for D. She thought then we'd be completely done by now. We're not done yet. I'm not saying we won't be some day, but I'm still fighting (although DB'ing doesn't always feeling like fighting with anyone except for yourself). Focus on notsosunny's (aka Cindy) post and the space she was give that was so valuable to her.
