Words get in the way

[angel61]

I remember how incredibly lonely I felt, eating and going to bed with someone who "wasn't there" emotionally. It was so difficult to stay upbeat and unaffected by his mood swings when there was nowhere to hide. I'd save up laundry, vacuuming, etc, to distract myself while he was home and not being companionable. My H also went though a period where after he gave up the OW and went through a horrific withdrawal, he then resumed contact with her--AND tried to be a good father, husband, etc. It was a period of hoping he'd never have to decide between us, of thinking he could always have both of us in his life and therefore feel great about himself because he wouldn't have to hurt either of us with a definite rejection from his life.

OMG Cyrena. Everything you described happening to you before is now happening to me.

I know something has to happen that will make H decide in the end. As of now, I feel he is not ready yet, but he will be.

OW will be leaving back to her home country by either September or October. H has always known that choosing her is jumping over the cliff, and he has said he would not and knew that their relationship was doomed. In a way its like a diabetic person asking for one more piece of cake, even if it is forbidden. He knows that she is bad for him, and my sense is he is near the point where he will realize that keeping contact with her is hurting him more than making him feel better.

Question for you: when you H was being companionable at that time, were you receptive? Were you affectionate with him, or did you keep your distance? Were you more like friends? Were you intimate? Sometimes I am not sure if I am too available to my H, and even pursuing when it comes to sex, as I am the initiator most of the time since we have been in this sitch. Although I don't initiate unless he also gives me the cues (of course after a long time together, you know! and we have always been so attuned in the past, that even in our food cravings, we were always the same).

Right now I feel that H is observing me, and judging. I feel anxious and uncomfortable at times, so afraid I would slip up, so I keep on telling myself to relax and act naturally, no expectations. This morning for example, at breakfast, he did not prepare anything for me (he always does). He was watching me to see if I would say anything, but I kept quiet and just went to the fridge and looked for food. Thats when he stood up and started talking to me normally, and I sensed that I did the right thing.

I try to enjoy the times he is being companionable and just ignore the times he is withdrawn into himself. I figure that those are times he is dealing with his own issues and processing. I still think about my hurt, the rejection, etc. but I am able to chase away those thoughts more easily now. Practice makes perfect, apparently.

H doesn't want to go to counselling, so all I could hope for is that he has enough insight to one day look into himself and decide. I think he actually has gone partway. In other words, now he is back inside the door, but still looking outside, then looking in, not yet seeing us clearly because of the glare from outside.

But his eyes will adjust someday.

He will not talk much, he has too much pride and the Asian saving face mentality is strong.

I will know when he has come back fully. But my biggest challenge is not to push him back out.