CS, it sounds like you handled this situation extremely well. You kept your distance appropriately but involved yourself where needed. I think you've planted some good seeds here. Now they just need some time to grow and blossom.
I think this has been a major distraction from the whole mess for your W.
I still feel like I am in a balancing act here. I know the advice is to just be her friend right now, as she is dealing with a difficult time. And that is my goal, I just can question how she might see some of it.
Last night for example. She sends a video and a pic of D, and we comment on those.
So then I asked her how her visit with her mom was.
She said good, but that her mom was still having a difficult time.
I responded that I was still thinking of them which abruptly ended the convo.
I KNOW I am over thinking it, but that is still my core weakness in all of this, over analyzing. She seems to be guarded in showing me ANY emotion. Not just emotion related to our sitch, but now even any emotion regarding her dads passing.
But, looking back on it, maybe my comment was a downer, and that is not what she wants from me. Maybe she wants me to be the escape from all of it. A place where it can just be simple and about D only, and forget about FIL for a minute. I get that, and I am fine with it, maybe just forgot for a minute there.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
So then I asked her how her visit with her mom was.
She said good, but that her mom was still having a difficult time.
I responded that I was still thinking of them which abruptly ended the convo.
You weren't listening to what she was saying. You didn't validate her feelings.
A better response would have been:
I can't image how she feels, it must be hard though.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I do feel like I was listening, but I don't think I gave it enough time to really sink in, just responded.
I should remember to give myself a little time before responding...
It's this that does have me off balance though. Never feel like I have the right words, or scared to say the wrong thing. It's just a touchy time, given all of the circumstances.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
So then I asked her how her visit with her mom was.
She said good, but that her mom was still having a difficult time.
I responded that I was still thinking of them which abruptly ended the convo.
You weren't listening to what she was saying. You didn't validate her feelings.
A better response would have been:
I can't image how she feels, it must be hard though.
I had a different take, but you might be right, Gr8. My thought was that Country is coming across -- to his wife (not saying this is his intent) -- as somewhat "holier-than-thou," which is a common thing that BS/LBS/piecing spouses have to fight. Especially as it relates to her family, I think his wife may -- although she is appreciative -- view his good deeds as completely overwhelming and SMOTHERING, and she can't possibly keep up with his glowing image with her own family.
CS, i can understand your position. Sometimes i feel that if the overall direction of your convo is going okay, maybe you can forgive yourself over lil mistakes you might have with your wife. I guess it is because ultimately in every relationship, you just cannot be totally perfect
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
W texted me early today when she dropped off D at daycare. I guess just a reminder of the schedule change this week. I told her I hoped her night at work went well.
Tonight I sent a pic of D. I don't usually post the actual convos but thought I would tonight. Maybe a better glimpse of the way things have been going.
M: *pic of D* W: Soooooo sweet! Give her a huge hug and kiss for me- she is soooooo much fun, isn't she? M: She is! Playing outside with the dog is just a crack up now. W: Soooooo jealous!!! Our little divine miss (D)! W: Pet (dog) for me, too... M: Will do! + *pic of dog* W: Awwww... How sweet- I miss her so!
I felt pretty good about it, at least I stopped thinking about my convo killer last night.
I always kind of wonder where to ends things. Don't want to over do, and she is at work. What do I say to the last comment anyways? "I have a solution for that..."
Back to MY life it was a real fun night with D tonight. After going all weekend without her I just really look forward to our time together. Amazing how they change at this age. Every week something new.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
[quote]I always kind of wonder where to ends things. Don't want to over do, and she is at work. What do I say to the last comment anyways? "I have a solution for that..."
I hear you Country...the replies that we want to send, but we know will not get us closer to our goals. I'm right there with you. Keep it up. You are doing well.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Just checking in also now I have caught up, nothing to add from atm, just keep doing what works and fee comfortable with, but maybe have a little re-read of db/browse when not with D next.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
how many times have I not wanted to send that response, in the beginning I would test the waters and 99% of time I would get let down. Now there is no point.
Keep doing what you are doing Country you have the concept and the right attitude down.
it was a real fun night with D tonight. After going all weekend without her I just really look forward to our time together. Amazing how they change at this age. Every week something new.