Detach Dog

[~ kd ~]

My opinion? I don't think you'd be making things "worse" by not responding. I suppose the question that would follow is, between the times that you are not making things worse, what are you doing to make things better?

My W and I are stuck on the "no contact" thing. She doesn't contact me and I don't contact her. Unless it has something to do about the kids. Later, it will include the money stuff...

Back in the day, when I would contact her with stuff and she wouldn't respond, it would make me mad. When I finally confronted her on this (in a passive way), she simply said that either she had nothing to say, or she was thinking about the stuff that I had said.

Now that I don't contact her and don't respond to her every contact, she tells me that I've made it very clear that I don't want to talk to her... double standard...

The point is, my W is still mad at me. Not sure why. Not really worried about it. That's her stuff. And so now her anger comes out in different forms at different times. To (like you) sending D8 home with a rash on her face, to telling me that I have to work on my issues with D13, to telling me that I must be mad at her because I'm not contacting her, to telling me that I'm snooping in her life when I truly have no interest in her life any more.

I can only guess that your W is going through the same type of thing. Now that you are not jumping every time she contacts you, you are doing the opposite of what you have done in the past, and it's unexpected, she's lashing out to see if she can push your buttons into responding. Get you back to what she expects and her form of "control". Not saying she's controlling, but she needs that consistency.

Back to cognitive dissonance... We live in a world that we expect. We have learned to be comfortable in that world. So when we throw a ball in the air and it doesn't come back down to earth... well, that really blows our mind. We have trouble integrating this new reality.

Let her struggle with that.

Here's the question(s):
Do you need to respond to her every text? ie. Is it life threatening? Do you need to contact her often to chat about nothing in particular or about the R or telling her what you are doing and the details of such?

I'm guessing the answers are no.

So try not to sweat it. Her reaction to your indifference is for her to deal with...

[♪CS♪]

9, deciding what to respond to and what not to respond to, that is up to you.

My advice, BE CONSISTENT.

You seem to go back and forth on what your plan is. You need to decide what YOU are comfortable with, and stick with it.

Don't react to her response so quickly and change YOUR actions based on HER actions.

Now, if something is clearly NOT working, change course.

But this all takes time, and flipping back and forth will never give you any gauge if things are changing, what has worked, what hasn't, etc.

How does it go?

CONSISTENT CHANGE + TIME = PROFIT?

Something like that...

[2stepboogie]

I can imagine she is getting angrier and angrier everytime she text you and you don't respond. In reality that is her ammunition. Why don't you respond? Is it because you are trying to get a reaction? Or is it because you are trying to move on?

If you are trying to move on why not just say so.

"W I know you have set up your life with someone else and that is ok I will do the same. At this time I find difficult to talk to you about things that don't have to do with the children. This of course is no reflection on you but it is more a reflection of how I feel. I think it would be healthier for both of us to maybe talk only when necessary so that we can both have an opportunity to heal. It is not only fair for you but also for me. I nope you understand."

Something along those lines

If your tired of trying to figure her out then stop. It really is a wasted energy.

[jbnati]

You could always respond and just your responses short and to the point where appropriate. If she's beating you up, just stick to the facts and leave the emotion out. You don't want to be passive-aggressive to her, in spite of the way she is acting toward you. It's not like you're iniating contact and pursuing her at all. All that said, I agree with CS and the most important thing is that you are consistent in your responses and actions.

[ninelives]

She is doing some strange things now that I cant figure out.

So I will just let them all go and not focus on them too much.

When I got home from school today, i saw oldest son and he said , " Do you know where dog is "?

M: No I obvioulsy dont have her

S: Do you think mom took her , cause leash is gone too.

M: Probably, she asked me before we left for trip if she could have her for the day, I asked your friend ( who was looking aftr dog) to drop her over to my wifes place a couple of times.

I thought to myself, I better start locking my doors. This a boundry that she has crossed before, this is not her house anymore.

I told son that I think we should lock doors, just so we can keep better track of whats going on, he agreed.

She then called later and told oldest son to pick up dog. He said, no, dad and I are cleaning up around here and since you took him , you should bring him back. He didnt say it in a mean or snarky way, just matter of fact. IT was a short convo and she agreed.

She then showed up with dog, and asked oldest son if she could have youngest sons shorts. I found two pairs but others are in laundry.

She also brought back a blender, a can opener and some pics from her mothers of me and the kids when they were growing up. Me doing so many things with them, boxing, teaching them to skate, to ride their bikes, playing with them in a pool etc...

Teared me up a little. Wonder how she felt looking at them.

I just cant figure her out. I stayed positive with my son about her and didnt bad mouth her. I dont think that mentioning we need to lock up was bad because , we are going to lock up tommorrow and he needs his key.

9

[ninelives]

Got to coach son soccer tonight and then I get him tommorrow because of a night shift for her. Soccer tonight should be no problem. Just going to do my thing and not worry about anything else.

9

[ninelives]

Update:

When I got home today there was a message from her again.

W: I am coming with my brother to pick up a few things , the hutch , the bed and the patio furniture. I am glad oldest son's lip has cleared up.

M: Okay , I was hoping to keep the patio furniture.

W: Get your own

which was immediately followed by a mildly irrate phone call.
And let me tell you , the entire phone call I kept picturing Sandi, 25, 2step, Denver, Islander, all the BITS as she her voice was up from the get go and she was throwing out Fbombs,

I told myself , I WILL NOT get sucked into an arguement no matter what.

W: So what the f, you want to keep the furniture, I paid for it with my money. (just an aside, I made at least 70% of the income and everything we bought was together I always thought)

M: Okay, you bought the furniture, I always believed we shared everything. It doesnt matter who did the purchasing. About the Hutch, where are you going to put it, your place has no room for it. If you are simply going to put it in your basement , why dont you let me keep it until you find somewhere for it.

( I was just a little annoyed that she basically told me her brother was coming in two days, and that I had to have all that stuff ready, I think technically since there was no mention of those things in the settlement, they now belong to me since they are in my posession, I could be wrong)

W: No effing way, its my hutch and its none of your business where I put it.

M: Whoa, please calm down. Why is it that when we talk, you are always upset. Im just asking you some questions that I would hope you would answer calmly. ITs been a trying day for me at school today and if we cant have a calm conversation, maybe we should hang up and try again when we can.

W: YOu are not the only one going through tough times. Im having alot of difficulty with things too. I dont have an effing pension thanks to you except for the settlement from the equity in the house and from my mom's estate.

YOu screwed me on that and you know it.

M: I really dont want to go through that again, we have done that ad naseum and we both will never change our minds on that. We signed and its done.

W: And the measly child support you give me, its not enough.
( I was tempted to say , YOU walked away but I didn't )

M: Im sorry things are tough for you right now, you did have a full time job when we settled. I didnt expect you to quit your other job.

W: WEll I could not do that job. I hated it. Dont worry about me.

M: Okay well, if I keep the furniture, maybe we can have an agreemnet.

W: HOw much will you give me for it. I want at least 300 bucks.


M: You got to be kidding. This stuff is 3 - 4 years old, Its not worth that much

W: I paid 700 for it when it was new.

M: WE paid for it , please remeber that. I dont want to argue about this. But if you want , lets haggle.

W: HuH?

M: Ill give you 200

W: No way , Im not budging from 300

( At this point , I was having a little fun)

M: There is a hole in two of the cushions and the mesh has holes.

W: It didnt when I was there, didnt you put it away correctly this year.

M: NOt as good as usual, I was distracted back in NOvember, things werent done as they used to be.

W: Okay, i get it, still you should have done a better job.

( I was so depressed, that was when I found out about the affair, just then, i was not on function mode at all, didnt go on about that)

M: Whatever, how about , 245

W: 275

M;250

W: 260 final offer

M: You can keep it then. ( i really thought we were having a bit of fun at this point)

W: What the eff. ITs all about money isnt it?

She then went on about the settlement again and how she got ripped off and how Ill sell our house for a great profit and be laughing about it in five years about the whole thing.

M: Its not about money, Trust me. I will never Laugh about this sitch , ever. I will move on but to me , it will never be a laughing matter.

She went on a tangent how she will struggle for the rest of her life and that how she will probably have to get a waitress job to make ends meet and how she will never have enough money to treat her kids how they deserve.

M: The kids will NEVER lack for all they need. Dont concern yourself about that. The kids will always be provided for.

(it bothered me that she said that because she is right, they will never have the monetary things they could have had but LOVE is the key and they will have lots of that )

M: Look wife , i was just having a little fun with you and the haggling, when you have calmed down, then we can arrive at a fair price. Dont worry about that

W: Didnt sound like you were kidding. I dont know what kidding is anymore.

M: We used to kid all the time. IT was fun. I havent changed that aspect of myself. We used to be such good friends.

W: I know, Im sorry. I just dont know when you are kidding anymore.

M: Okay well, im making dinner and have to get ready to coach soccer. About the hutch , you can obvioulsy have it, I just thought that if you had nowhere to keep it because your place is so small, I could store it here as is until you need it. No hidden agenda.

W: That sounds good, I dont need it right now. I just thought since my brother was here.

M: YOUr call, I did not once say that you couldnt have it and even the furniture, I just said I was hoping that you wouldnt want it.

M: Okay,

W: No problem

M: ONe more thing, this weekend, Im getting out of dodge and wondered if you could keep son one more day .

W: Why were are you going ?

M: Im not really sure, just getting on my bike and riding, I have two destinations in mind but not sure which one Im going to take.

W: Oh, well I have plans on Sunday. ITs my only weekend off.

( I know that means her and OM have somthing cooking for her birthday on the 28th , gave me a little jolt but said nothing)

M: Okay , well then I will have to ask somebody to look after him that day as I already asked for a perosnal day at work and got it. Its my birthday on the MOnday.

W: Dont you want to spend your birthday with your sons.

M: I will, I will take them out for dinner after school and we will get a cake.

MOre to post

[ninelives]

We hung up on decent terms and she called back.

W: You can have the furniture and the hutch , I dont want it.

M: Its ok, we will have a discussion on the price and move on. Ad for the hUtch, I will keep it safe for you until you need it.

W: Yeah thats smart, I really dont have any room for it anyway.

M: Thats all I was saying. I dont want you yelling at me all the time because if thats the case, then maybe we shouldnt communicate

W: Im having a bad week and had a really bad day.

M: Sorry to hear that. Im working on things. I do want to forgive you for all this

She started to cry and said something that Im not sure what it was.

somthing like , " I would really like that"

W: I hear you got a new washing machine.

M: Yeah, its high effeciency so it made sense, the last one was when we got married over 17 years. IT served its purpose.

W: Did you try and fix it

M: NO, it was passed its prime, I wanted an energy one anyway and it spins so fast, save electricity on drying.

( she seemed a little miffed cause she has an old , small one)
W: Glad you are getting all new stuff, must be nice.

M: Just replacing things as needed.

We talked for about twenty minutes about small things, the kids a bit, about her moms upcoming funeral and that she was looking forward to seeing my new suit. Thats when I told her about me going to church to try and find foregiveness , thats how that came up.. And thats when she started to cry.

She said she wouldnt go to soccer tonight cause she still doesnt feel right around people. Im not sure if thats true.

I coached my son, who she brought late again and didnt stay. And she didnt come back to pick him up. I didnt want to take a chance to drop him off at her place incase OM's truck was there which Im pretty sure it would have been.

So I asked another parent who lived near her to drop him off.

I went home and then heard her honking outside. When I went out to tell her I had somebody drop him off, she said ok and started to go but said first.

" I like your new shirt"

I just said thanks and she drove away.

What a strange exchange.\

There are a few things that were said along the way from the original text to the end , but It NOW strikes me how she can change from avenging angry WAS, to calm , nice girl I married within minutes of the convo.

UGGGGGH

9

[ninelives]

Oh one thing that was kind of important that i forgot to mention,

She said you havent paid any child support yet. I said thats true, I was waiting for you to pay me the $1000 you borrowed from me back in December

She said, Oh you still remember that huh? I said, yes. well I thought you didnt want it back.

I said, W, you texted me pretty much in hysterical about your finacial situation. HOw bad things were and that you couldnt pay your mortgage etc.

I asked you if you needed some money and you said that you couldnt take money from me after what you had just put me through.

I said something like, despite all this, I care for you and dont want to see you in such dire straights and thats when I asked if you would accept a loan. And you were so grateful.

I didnt once mention interest cause it didnt cross my mind but I did draw up a contract that we both signed.

I said , did you want me to give you a gift in light of the circumstances and she said NO that she would pay it back. Well she has made no mention of it.

I dont know, would a lot of husbads lend their wives money after they were caught cheating on them? I was doing the right thing but I dont think she should not expect to pay it back.

9

[islander]

A lot, no most Hs wouldnt do what we have done. I also gave my W things just to be nice, not to get her back, but just bc I cared.

9, you and the rest of us here are a rare breed. Now a days, most people assume the role of a WAS. Marriage does not mean what it used to b don't stop being you. You are a great person.