Harrier

[Harrier]

Jack or others - the latest update (there is a lot here)

She is still adamant on living part for a while. I am less than convinced

So I came home yesterday and my wife says that she was bummed out all afternoon. This is really affecting her a lot. So she rebounds and we have a fun night. It's weird things feel 100% great like there is no strain or pressure.

So I put our oldest to bed and head downs stairs. I do some cleanup in the kitchen then go to the living room. She is sitting in the chair and looks tired/upset. She then starts talking and totally breaks down. (mind you she doesn't do this a lot). She said she's really scared that if we separate "something will happen" that will cause her to lose me forever.

She worried that I would become so angry at her, that we would divorce and never have any kind of relationship again other than our kids mom and dad. She's also worried that things would happen that would make me not be the best father to our boys. She was really crying. But on the other hand she feels like we have to do this to give us the best chance and that we have tried everything. I disagree to an extent that we have tried everything, but I say I see her point.

She also said yesterday morning and evening was the best she felt about me and us in months.

I said my fear is the same as yours - losing you. I say ,"you'd get used to not having me around." She didn't think that would happen because in spite of everything she needs me and more than just a helper. This is one of the few times she's said this to me directly. Of course, I get emotional and I see her start to get defensive. So I change tact. I stay calm and talk about how it would work.

The conversation kind changes after than. We talk about some specifics. I would be the one moving out. She still wants to spend as much time as possible. Like dinner every night, I still put one of the kids to bed, I stay after to talk or just leave and we still do stuff as a family on weekends. She wants me to get a decent apartment so I'll be 'happy" with it and the kids will be safe there. She doesn't want to put a time frame on it. I say that I think we'd probably need at least one night without contact. She says "why?" Personally, I think she's living in an dream world. She has a fantasy on how it would go and the reality would be so much harder and potentially painful.

She also said that she is glad she'd be doing this with me because we work well together on a number of things throughout our marriage. We actually lived apart for 10 months our second year of marriage because of school and work. It wasn't by choice.

I think if we did we could come to an understanding on most things - specifically no outside dating or outside sex, time together including time for just us, and counseling. I know she is more than willing to do all this. However, the thing screaming at me in the face is that the success rate on this isn't very good. 0f course, I my worst dark fear is that she just secretly wants this to screw her mentor with less guilt and have time to do it. (I know that could be happening now, but something else happened that has me worried.) But she still did say she was 100% committed to the married.

The thing on the mentor is that she has an idea of how I feel. She has told me that she doesn't expect me to trust her. She said she knows why I would check. She knows that any contact hurts me, but she can't not have contact. She has reduces her contact next to nothing. She quit working for him one day a week, quite calling him/texting him, quit seeing him. She even quit working on something that was a great opportunity for on just to limit contact and I know it was hard on her. Think psych testing during brain surgery. She'd do it if he wasn't involved.
She also lets me know when she has major contact with him.

EXCEPT for work related items - only her, him me and her friend know of the EA. The OM works very closely with my W's Supervisor and a guy who is my W's mentor. (All three guys are really good friends to boot, go on week long fishing trips, play handball etc.) it would look extremely weird if she avoided talking to him. (I know making excuses for her.) her field is extremely close-knit.

Also she has a big issue with privacy. I grew up with basically no privacy. Her family was extremely guarded and viewed an invasion of personal privacy as a huge issue. Like her mom would never read her diary, even it it was out in the open.

Unfortunately, I did somethings to cause her to be more extreme about this. In fact I found out she "liked" me by reading a note in her bag that she had wrote to a friend. I've also done some worse things as well like film us ML without her knowing. Only I saw it. This was early on and she found out and it really hurt her. (I don't defend these, I'm pretty ashamed of it).

So my hot button is is contact with OM. The only way I find out is to invade her privacy (as she see it) which is her hot button issue.. See the issue? But more to the point even if she provided full access to her email and phone (her email is tricky because it has patient info think HIPPA). She still points out correctly, that I'd just think that she's had another email account or was going more underground.

So the real issue is trust and that takes time. I has gotten better and it's slowly being built back up, but it's not there completely.


She told me that overall she is committed to the marriage and think there could be a positive outcome. She is willing to work too. I think things could workout, I really do. I thought our marriage was awesome before this and I think it can be better and we both get what we need.

But I don't know if the separation is the way to go. My concerns are that she sees this as a last-ditch effort and if this doesn't work she will give up on the marriage, that she sees this as the only way to fix things and if we don't do it we are doomed, if there are any hiccups in the separation that will move her toward divorce.

But the rewards could be great if it worked out well. I'm going to consult with our MC at my appointment.