Thanks girls, I attended alanon tonight and it was again a great meeting. I just love this support group. It makes me feel good about me.
I asked if we could discuss anger and how others dealt with it, and people were more than willing to share. It was great.
I told them that so far the 1st week of alanontaught me that I needed to keep coming back cuz I felt like these people understood my pain and agony.That the 2nd week of alanontaught me that I was in denial for a looooonnnnngggg time about my H's alcoholism and I finally admitted to myself thats our major problem in our M. And that the 3rd week of alanonopened my eyes to reality of the abuse I have taken from my H over the past 4 yrs and that it had givin me a whole new reality of our M sitch, and unfortunately now I am dealing with a lot of anger.
They all understood, and commented on the amount of progress I am making allready.
***One person said, that anger leads to resentment: and resentment is like a poison that I take and expect the other person to die from. Wow, how true. ***Another person said: Anger is associated with our own fears, and to look deep inside at what scares me thats cusing me this anger. In that case, its my fear of a D (the end of my rel. with my best friend I ever had), which I cannot control and need to let it go to God and trust his path for me. ***Many also said, I am doing the right thing by not responding to his craziness and texts. They said i am getting the ball thrown my way but not throwing it back and hense that stops them in their ball-game. ***Another said, When I feel the anger-to say a slogan instead of dwell on that anger.
Revelations.... ahhh.... I feel better allready.
When I got back from alanon, I turned my phone back on and saw that H text me again and said: "I am going to reopen the old Jimmys tavern and call it Marbles tavern and I would love it if you would do some art-work/paintings for the walls".
I didnt respond. This tavern he is talking about is about 1/16 of a mile down the road from my house (Litterally 4 houses/buildings away). The art he is implying about is becuase I have picked up doing art/paintings/mosiaics/crafts these past 4 yrs since GALing and have done rather well with it. This place is sure to bring him under...Wow, and he has a full time construction/roofing business that he has worked very hard on the last 3&1/2 yrs to get back to a positive working order since his bankruptcy in '07. He will not be able to do both. I dont even know how he thinks he will afford to do the bar (no credit,liquor licsence, or experience).
I feel so bad for him as he is so lost and confused right now. I actually do have compassion for the alcoholic in my life. But I will not do art for him, I feel like that would be enabling him more or helping his bar efforts and lifestyle. What is he thinking????* I know I know, he is not thinking!!! TIPPER
well he isn't very broke is he? You need to get a L soon...like the day you get papers (or sooner)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tipper - anger is a good place to pass through and a bad place toget stuck in. Like all strong emotions it is coming from somewhere [often deep seated and long repressed hurt]. All too often people tell you you how much harm it does you. Well that is true, but like many things in this life, it is good too, or at least, has positive aspects because it suggests that you have a returning sense of self-hood. You are outraged, hurt, disappointed [and a whole lot else] at what your h has done. You are waking up and smelling the coffee, and a lot of buried things are surfacing in anger.
It is normal to feel anger if someone does something awful. It is how we deal with the anger and what we do next that matters.
If someone deliberately steps on your foot, for example, most people would feel both hurt and anger. They wouldn't then hit the other person, [unless they were emotionally about 4] Nor wold they brood about it for weeks. But no-one would say - don't be cross about it. They might say 'Don't let it get to you' That is different. The point is that what you are feeling is a legitimate emotional response that will enable you to move forward. To deny the anger is to deny yourself something important you need to feel fully and deal with. Just my 2c.
Wow, I Havent checked your post for a few days and reading your last post regarding anger and your meetings all I can say is Wow.
I see sooo much growth and determination to do whats best for you. Go back and read your first couple of posts and see the difference! So glad you are continuing with Alanon, and taking your problems there for discussions and advice, your also getting good advice from peeps here.
25yearsMLC, no-my H is currently not broke. Every time he has left me it was when he came into large sums of money from roofing. The fist time, he dug up 20 grand out of yard and spent it all (on a stripper) in about 4 months, then came back broke. The second time, he had a decent amount saved and left me only to come back so broke that he was borrowing $ from his rents. This third and current time he left he dug up 26 grand from this winters roof shoveling and took it and is now again on a spending spree (new van -boat - motel- appartment-Lawer-bars/food every day- and now his latest newest career idea of opeing a tavern).
I bet ya anything he will blow through his $ in about 6 months, and come crawling back to his back-up-plan=(me). And I will not fall for it. Also, another trend I see in him is that everytime he leaves he pursues new career endevors, and new OW. He is a lost cause.
I had a weird dream last night (first one that was not a nightmare in about a month)and I was sitting on a river bank in my car with the door open - Their was a flood/rapid flowing water in which people were struggeling to get on their feet all around me (but no one was in serious hurt or trouble) and I was safe from the waters by only about 1 ft - But I wasnt scared and instead I was looking up to see the beauty of the birds flying over head.
I tend to read into this dream as an indicator that I truely am starting to see this disaster of a M as a blessing (that he left) that I am able to be saved by my higher power and not have to worry so much about my future as he is here to guide me. TIPPER p.s. I am sure I will be back here tonight, cuz H usually comes into house on Tues. when I am bowling to use his office stuff -And he will probably be dropping off the Sep./D Paper work he has been ranting about. I will be prepared.
Well, No D/sep. papers were waiting for me when I got home. I am kind of surprised he didnt drop them off. Maybe the paper work is still in the process of getting drawn up????
However, He text me again tonight and said:"I understand if you wont speak with me, so call this lawyer (he left me the name and number) I need to move on also, also wondering if I can have the brown couch?"
I didnt respond about the lawyer thing, but I text and told him he can come get his brown couch on next tues.
Does anyone know if I have any legal obligation (in NY) to call his lawyer??? I highly doubt it! But just checking, cuz I have no intention on calling his Lawyer.
I am not going to spend the money to re-hire my old lawyer for myself until he sends me a sep. agreement that i can take to her and discuss. I never wanted a D, so I see no need to call his lawyer for any reason. I am not going to do the dirty work for him!!! (last time he left me-he brought the sep. papers to my house directly in hand, I dont see why he is not doing the same thing this time).
Why would he not just drop off the paper work he so desperately wants me to sign. Do I have to be present or something like that??? I know now it is obviously not a divorce petition - becuase those get "served" directly to you in person. I am assuming since he moved back in for 3 yrs - that we will have to go through another seperation period (I think its 6 months in NY) before a D can be requested.Is he trying to trick me into something??? TIPPER
I agree with seeking, Maybe you can get a phone consult with the lawyer U previously used for your seperation papers, and have her give u some advice in how to proceed. Please protect yourself, His lawyer is for him ( IF he has even hired one )and is not just blowing smoke at ya.
Why all the worry and wonder at what he is doing,? I cant see him getting much done at this point unless he is doing it at the bar after work?, and if he is seeking legal council and drawing up papers you will be more prepared.
JMO
Hang in there, sounds like your doing good As you have said this isnt what U want, let him do the work! And u concentrate on your recovery.
