Calling the OM, well exposure is not a strategy of DB and a few vets have moved on, because of advocating it. MLC will chime in here and tell you I shouldnt have done it. I did, I dont think it helped me move closer to my goal. But thats the thing, Im not there, so you cant observe the impact and adjust strategy. Was she mad I did it - beyond furious. Thats the only observable reaction. Except in the last week these nano steps ( are they steps forward or just nothing? )
Ok , so I have been getting on with things, i am painting the new house I moved into, which is good, Its keeping me busy and occupied. Still at the gym, and doing the hiking. Im pretty good during the week, its the dreaded weekends when I dont have my girls, thats when I feel it.
I have lawyers and accountants this week,always a joy and mediation for parenting plan finally starts next week. So I will be much happier when I have that sorted.
Yes I dont know if they are nano steps she has taken, but going past our old home says something - reminiscing, looking back at her life with me, realestate appreciation - I dont know. The one thing I have learnt is I can not mind read my WW. And what I have observed is this topsy turvy reactions / thinking, from someone who is very sane and logical normally.
Anyway I made some soup yesterday and dropped it off for my 2 little ones to have when they come home from school.I was picking up mail and some of my things that was pre arranged. so opportune. I made sure there was only 2 serves of soup, non for WW I dont reward bad behaviour.
I take a break from all of this every week now, it just gets too much intensity and you get pretty wound up. I think you also get too close and its harder to see the path. I am detached but Im not sure its the right thing always, I would like to be lovingly detached but Im having trouble with the first part. I think it is early days, even though it feels forever this has been going on. SoI have to stay the course
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
Calling the OM, well exposure is not a strategy of DB and a few vets have moved on, because of advocating it. MLC will chime in here and tell you I shouldnt have done it. I did, I dont think it helped me move closer to my goal. Not to harp, but it's obvious it didn't help you get close to your goal at all. Why do you even contemplate it? And since you are on the DB site, why not read the books and practice the solution based approach DB promotes? Interesting that you keep bringing it up in the face of clear evidence it hurt your cause. Any nano steps since, if real, are despite the outing, not b/c of it. Why is this hard to admit?
But thats the thing, Im not there, so you cant observe the impact and adjust strategy. Was she mad I did it - beyond furious. Thats the only observable reaction. Except in the last week these nano steps ( are they steps forward or just nothing? )
Ok , so I have been getting on with things, i am painting the new house I moved into, which is good, Its keeping me busy and occupied. Still at the gym, and doing the hiking. Im pretty good during the week, its the dreaded weekends when I dont have my girls, thats when I feel it.
Yes those gaps in the schedules will be painful til there are fewer of them, and time passes. Only way through it is through it. It's good you are keeping busy. The more GAL you do that involves you with people, the better, or so I think.
I have lawyers and accountants this week,always a joy and mediation for parenting plan finally starts next week. So I will be much happier when I have that sorted. Why does this progression to divorce make you "happier"? I'm curious. You seem hell bent on pushing for it, but what about it makes you happy?
Yes I dont know if they are nano steps she has taken, but going past our old home says something - reminiscing, looking back at her life with me, realestate appreciation - I dont know. The one thing I have learnt is I can not mind read my WW. Mind reading is a waste of time and energy. Endlessly frustrating and usually wildly inaccurate. But of course there are good memories that will resurface, in time, if there's no interference with it.
And what I have observed is this topsy turvy reactions / thinking, from someone who is very sane and logical normally. Are you saying she's insane? Other than leaving you, what behaviors are out of character for her lately? This will help us figure out if she's a true WAS or in MLC.
Anyway I made some soup yesterday and dropped it off for my 2 little ones to have when they come home from school.I was picking up mail and some of my things that was pre arranged. so opportune.I made sure there was only 2 serves of soup, non for WW I dont reward bad behaviour. Wow, what a missed opportunity. You sure showed her. Um, do you get how petty that looks? What about the goals here, you know, how you have to ask yourself if your action/words will get you closer to your goals and if not, you don't do it... Why do you keep up this tit for tat punitive act? What are you modelling? The "daddy is RIGHT and mommy is WRONG and must be punished!"?? The girls could have noticed a small gesture of kindness from you to their mom. But nope. They will notice your behaviors far sooner than you realize. But maybe that's what you want. You are not keeping the road home paved and smooth.
You are preventing her from ever coming home b/c w/every act like this, you show how you are not a forgiving man. Why would she come home to that?
In fact, you validate her choices with this behavior. You make her "right" to have left you.
Instead, you could have reminded her of how nurturing you were with the family, and how you put love into your cooking, as one of your love languages. It would not have "cost" you anything or been at all doormattish. You could have given her something to miss.
She may not have even noticed your intentional slight but you missed a chance to do something loving. And it was from a dark place inside you. I mentioned this before, as to how you figure out boundaries from punitive behaviors. Healthy boundaries are fine, but punishment is counter productive. (It's not your job to "teach her a lesson," and that's just what this is.) You want her good memories to resurface but you are giving her negatives now. Those negative images supplant any positives that might have risen to the surface.
When you aren't sure if an act is a healthy one or a punitive one, you look within and ask if the action is coming from a place of love or a place of anger. This isn't a tough one. Your anger radiates. But I'm surprised b/c you show great insights, and then, it's as if you have amnesia.
I take a break from all of this every week now, it just gets too much intensity and you get pretty wound up. I think you also get too close and its harder to see the path.
I am detached but Im not sure its the right thing always, I would like to be lovingly detached but Im having trouble with the first part. Then don't give in to the anger! At least not in front of your family. It is so destructive, SO counter productive.
I think it is early days, even though it feels forever this has been going on. SoI have to stay the course
What is your course? Can you articulate it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Anyway I made some soup yesterday and dropped it off for my 2 little ones to have when they come home from school.I was picking up mail and some of my things that was pre arranged. so opportune. I made sure there was only 2 serves of soup, non for WW I dont reward bad behaviour.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
how many posts do you have to post before you are "cleared"?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
how many posts do you have to post before you are "cleared"?
Apparently more than 984.
In fairness to the mods, 25, I got my hands slapped for linking to another marital advice message board, and for advocating exposure of affairs. The latter of which still has merit, I believe, but it's also against DB principles and as we are all guests of this site, I have to abide by those rules like anyone else.
It's a shame, however, as I'm online frequently throughout the day, and I think I could help people with some more IMMEDIATE advice, but my posts get stuck in the queue for 1-3 days. If the PTBs are looking for a promise from me that I will NOT post links to other marital websites, nor proactively advocate exposure (I still believe that, if asked, you should NOT lie to directly cover up an affair), then they have it.
Doubt it'll do much good, though. The old wounds run pretty deep -- in both directions.
