Wow a lot of question to answer. Let's get to it shall we......
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How does that feel?
How does what feel? The convo between X and my friend? Or, The fact that my buddy called or what she said? My buddy and her speak on occassion so that does not bother me or surprise me one bit. What she said? Well it sounds like to me that she is done and moving on with her life. It feels as if she is pretty sure that she has made the right decision and knows pretty well that she has control of this. She is pretty certain I am available at the drop of a hat for her. Not the place I should be.
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What does that knowledge and information do for you?
What an interesting question KM. I don't know. I know that I have been living too long looking over my shoulder wishing and wanting a reconciliation. All the wishing all the wanting really means nothing. To me I guess it is just one step closer to being done at this point it is just more info.
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Are you happy?
Is any of us happy? Am I happy? No. But I have not been happy for a long time. Am I healing? Yes. Happy? No.
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Angry?
The short answer is Yes. I do get angry. I don't walk around angry all the time but I do get angry. Today after D went to bed I was walking passed her room and heard her crying. I went in to ask her what was wrong. At first she would not say then after a few minutes the conversation went like this.
D: I cry almost every night
M: Why?
D: I am sad.
M: Why are you sad?
D: I miss my grandma
M: You see her all the time would you like for her to spend the night tomorrow night?
D: Yes. I am lonely
After a few minutes I realized it had nothing to do with my mom
M: Are you sad because X left?
D: Yes. I cry at night ever since she left
M: I know you miss her sweetie. You know what. It is ok. I use to cry also and sometimes I get lonely
D: Why did she have to leave? Did she not love us anymore?
M: Oh no I think she loves us very much but you know sometimes grown ups are not that much different than kids. Sometimes we do things thinking it is what is best but it really isn't.
D: Do you love her?
M: I will always love her and she loves you very much but sometimes when we love someone we want them to be happy even if that means they have to go away.
At this point we started talking about the dog and making funny wigs with the dog hair and putting it on my dads bald head. I stayed another 15 minutes and got her to laugh. I told her I would be right outside the door.
So do I get Angry? Yes. Very.
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Hopeful?
Not very to be honest with you. Just journaling so that some day I can look back on this remember so that I never have to visit this site again as a "customer" only as a "guess speaker"
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are you detached?
Nowhere near what where I should be but much more so than I was even a few weeks ago. Detachtment is a very funny word we use around here all the time. It is not being detached one minute and then not being detached. It is a very real feeling or emotion and it takes time, in my case a lot of time. What I felt for my X what I feel for her in a much lesser capacity now was very strong and very real.
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Having no feelings about it, whatsoever?
I think I do, probably will for a long time.
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What do you plan on doing with that knowledge?
Well I am doing nothing different actually just moving on with my life. I will slowly remove myself from her life and be done with it. Only thing left to do.
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How is your GAL going, otherwise?
KM My GAL includes BeyBlade toys, Candy Land, and coloring books. As a single father now my GAL is all about my D. I do go out on occassion but not much. I have to the much tougher road to travel here between X and I. I will be ok and so will my D.
