After MLC, do they understand their behavior?

[25yearsmlc]

Some food for thought...

You guys are amazing. Right now I am torn and feeling guilty.
Its funny you should mention warnings 25yrs, because I gave H lots of warning what would happen if M didn't work

Doesn't matter. He could not hear you. Sorry, but I'm a L and felt certain if I argued my "marriage" in the US Supreme Court, I would have prevailed. It did NOT matter. H was on his mission and I could not derail him.

There's at least one example that stands out in my mind, in which I clearly stated the probable outcome to our m, (which was its' end) and he said he was "willing to take that chance". Today, H denies ever saying this. He truly has no recall of it. And you know, I believe him! So to an extent they often honestly don't know what's going on...until they finally get it, if they ever do. And we don't have a lot to do with their timing, except perhaps by leaving.

...I was moving home. When I found out about the OW/PA/lies I reacted,

so you reacted out of anger and a badly bruised ego. I'm Not saying I don't understand b/c believe me, I do understand. But these are big choices, and there are children...


and immdiately started planning to go home. I bought a house, started packing etc. It was going fine too, because I was still seeing H in MLC.

He was making it easy on you, kinda. And "It was going fine" b/c you were solely focussed on making your escape to get out of your pain. When I advise new widows w/ children, the first advice was to make NO big decision for 6 months to a year...


Now I'm seeing changes

oops, you got what you wished for...OR is he simply sad about the kids leaving? Does he realize he can probably stop you from taking the kids out of the area, (by seeing a lawyer?)

I have guilt about not taking a breath and really seeing how I felt, and how this would affect the kids etc.

THEN STOP AND TAKE A BREATH...NOTHING IS IRREVOCABLE.

I really wish I could stay; the kids could stay in the home they know, stay in their school, keep their friends and h would be here. We could maybe work on the marriage.

Those are really good reasons for staying. You want to stay!?!? Then WHY CAN'T YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU REALLY LOSE? A DEPOSIT? Some money??

However, I hate this town. I am so isolated and home sick.

OHhhh, then you are NOT leaving b/c of h. YOU JUST WANT OUT OF THERE... you are fleeing b/c he gave you the excuse you needed for leaving...

I feel selfish in this, but I have done H`s life 10 years I feel like I should get to do mine now...

Hey, you sound like my H did in HIS MLC about how he had worked hard "for the family" all those years and therefore could move anywhere HE wanted...(so what if we always lived where HIS career took us?) Anyway, who "owes" you this? Your children? They're the ones getting uprooted and taken away from their friends, schools, home and THEIR FATHER. Do they OWE you this?

but now the guilt of at everyone else`s expense.

Sometimes guilt is the word we use for our conscience. Don't ignore it.

So, what happens if you stop this? AND OR How hard would it be for him to join you??

People keep reminding me that H caused this, this was not my 1st choice.

Well, so what if people say that? He didn't cause you to move. He didn't cause you to buy a house. I mean, I hear you. But you made so many choices and commitments so fast, that in truth it seems his A gave you just the reason you needed to do exactly what you wanted to do anyhow.

That's not to say you are bad, okay? I'm just saying it's the "upside" of this for you. And now, it's the downside sorta.

And my kids are outgoing, and will make a new life, and they will have tons fo family around, which they have never experienced. They choose the new house and seem excitted about it. A close friend of the family is a teacher at their new school, they think that is cool. I go back and forth. Too bad MLC couldn`t have contined until I left...haha, so much easier to detach.

Well, they will miss their father and they'll have only one parent, and that gets old fast. And whatever chance of recon, probably will disappear, unless he can get to you. So now, in a way, the shoe is on the other foot?

Plus, saying all this stuff about how it really won't be a big deal on your kids to move away, find new friends in a new school and NOT have their dad around...Um, no offense, but when you minimize it, you do what WASs do when they discuss how "resilient" kids are in divorce and how they aren't really leaving their families, just their spouses...

For me the choices were simple b/c I was focussing on stability for the girls and so I knew I was not moving for at least 2 years b/c that's when d16 would finish HS. They each felt very reassured when I told them we are NOT moving, no matter what was going to happen with h and me. (We were military so we moved 17 times in 30 years, and moves are harder on kids than we like to think. Maybe having family there will compensate. But it's still more upheaval) My kids stayed in the same home, same school and had same friends while H was off discovering the arctic. 2 Years was very manageable. But I was ready to move later on. I looked forward to the idea of moving where I wanted to live without making it about h's career, for once.

Point is, my h did begin his journey back home after I had accepted his absence, so I get where you are coming from.
But let's look at this from another point of view...

You have kids. They love their dad, and he loves them. And YOU are taking them away b/c YOU were hurt and angry by your H's A. You immediately chose to leave the area, AND BUY A HOUSE in your home town, to be around your family. This is an example of you reacting on your behalf to protect your heart, not your children's. You did what you felt you needed to do and though that's alright, and it's understandable, don't kid yourself about it being for them. It's not for them.

So how's it going to be when the kids ask you why you left, and or why it was so rushed? Or why you refused to reconsider the M, even when he made the changes you had wanted?

I think you'll regret not taking a breath. I think a part of you already knows this.

But hey, if you're done, you're done. It just does not sound as if you are there.