Hi AJM80, thanks for posting. Yes the opposite of love is indifference not hatred. Up to now I have been attempting to maintain bearing in the face of all this, no reaction. It has not been working very well. It was an attempt to 180. As one of the things W complained about was my inability to control my anger.
In the weeks prior to the bomb she purposely confronted and button pushed. I reacted badly. It was not until reading DR in context of this sitch that I realized she had justified her decision to leave.
Some of that changed tonight. Maybe I can take it further and wish her happiness. I want her to be happy. I don’t want to be martyred for her happiness. It isn’t about being right. It is about standing for my principals confidently. Wishing her happiness doesn’t cost anything.
The relationship between W and Mom is so damaged I fear it will never be repaired. One of the SILs intervened the last time after the fact. I was not involved. I did not speak with this SIL about it. Our daughter was upset and vented to her Aunt. I understand W now understands how inappropriate her behavior toward Mom was. I understand it required quite a bit of conversation to get the point across, that the SIL had to convince W to consider Mom’s point of view by putting her in Moms role, our DIL in hers and our Son in mine.
The fog seems to be thinning again. The last time it did W replayed back to the beginning becoming the 15 yr old spewing hatred and rebellion.
I’ve followed most of your sitch missing parts when this drama intensified. I really don’t know what to post to you most of the time and you have gotten some great advice. I do understand how exhausting and frustrating this all is.
Once more into the breach dear friends, once more into the breach.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling W called tonight. I briefly considered not answering, but picked it up. I smiled and was cheery when I answered it.
W was not cheery and informed me of the upcoming four day weekend and wanted to know when we could meet to work on the house to get it ready for sale. I told W I was not aware of a four day weekend, that Memorial Day only gave me three days off.
W said three days then and pressed to work on the house. I told W I had not made plans to work on the house. W wanted to know when I would give documents about assets and liabilities, CMAs and the other documentation to the attorneys. I told her I had dropped that off today except for the vehicle titles, that I could not find the title for her vehicle or mine. She informed me she had the title to her vehicle and had copied it already. She stated she did not have mine, but would look for it.
She wants to come to the house and remove other things she considers hers. I told her no not until after the Ls had looked the inventory list over and I had spoken with my L.
She wants her fairy knick knacks, our children’s pictures, and other small items. In retrospect I should have told her to come over and take them. I did tell her I was not opposing her decision and she would have them in time, but I would not be taken advantage of.
I told her these conversations were confrontational largely because she begins with a demand and swings a sword around. I told her she would get farther if she could dial down the anger and we could have a calm conversation. She paused and agreed she was aggressive and demanding in these conversations. Her tone was condescending. I told her now she was being condescending. She was quiet for a moment, but she stayed on the phone.
Swing the 2X4s if you must, but frankly up to now W has been verbally abusive and I have not called her on it. Permitting this was only escalating the drama.
We spoke about the RV and if her interested party was still interested. They are not. I told her I had not heard anything for the other posting. I tried to convey to her it was over priced in this market. That we needed to lower the price and would have to make up the difference between what we owed and what we sold it for to transfer the title. She does not seem to understand this and she will not permit it to sell for less than what we owe. This virtually guarantees it will not sell.
When W made her bombing run she structured the first disillusionment taking all of the home equity leaving me with all of the debt and a substantial spousal support payment. When my L looked it over he told me the court would not even permit such a lopsided agreement, and if I wanted to agree with it I could find another L. At the time we all assumed there was some equity in the house. W does not yet know we are underwater and I wish to speak with my L about it before I speak with W. I am concerned she will take the same tack as with the RV.
I do not wish to part with the house, but how to keep it is what I need to speak with the L about.
So I know this convo was not in the finest DB tradition, but at least we were able to have a conversation this time instead of a verbal confrontation. There is more.
Our son sent an email to me. He is in country near one of the southern cities that has been in the news lately. The day before he left he found out he will be a father when he returns. This will be our first grandchild. I spoke with the DIL last Saturday about it and other things. It was one of the more pleasant convos we have had.
I spent last Friday night with family. We mobbed the latest Pirates movie. I will not spoil it, but I will suggest everyone stay through all the credits as there is a final scene at the very end. I had a busy weekend GALing and helping Mom with two trees that the wind blew down.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Last night I went to the Archery range. Summer leagues have not started yet as the outdoor range still needs prep work. This spring has been too wet to get the fields mowed properly; the owner did not want to rut the fields with tire tracks.
This isn’t about competing in league play for me. It is about socializing with a group of people detached from the drama of this sitch. So I stayed at the indoor range for about 2 hours practicing and passing the time between lines socializing. I need more practice socializing than shooting the bow anyway.
I’ve been in a bit of turmoil since dropping the paperwork off at the Ls office, waiting for another dip in the roller coaster. I have always been a planner and speculating outcomes to build contingencies for is wearing thin. I need to convince myself I have prepped as much as I can and find another distraction
There is a quote I found elsewhere on this site that applies: “There is no better moment than now. I always tell my wife: If you dwell on your worst case scenario and it does not happen, you have wasted your time. If it does happen, you have lived it twice" – Michael J Fox” The man has Parkinson’s disease. If he can keep this attitude so can we.
Our daughter tagged a couple of pictures of me rappelling during the Memorial Day weekend last year. It was a good time. W had never rappelled before and really enjoyed herself. I don’t have many pictures with her smiling genuinely in them. There was one of her at the base of the cliff coming off belay in the album.
It is hard to believe it was only a year ago and we had plans to return again this year up until the bomb.
The emotions I feel about this are pretty minimal. I am taking this as an indication of my detachment level.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Well another heart wrenching turn and downhill run on the roller coaster is just ahead. Ironic that I am minutes away from “America’s roller coast”. I am alternating between sad, angry and disgusted. This will ramble as I am all over the place right now. I wish I could take some action. There is just no action to take tonight
At the very end of the work day I received an email from my L. He wants to meet to draft another proposal. His email indicates he does not support retention of the house by me. Who the h*ll is the client here. Yes I am paying him for his advice and to navigate these waters, but he is only the fracking pilot, not the captain/owner of this ship. That said like a pilot he knows the rocks and shoals of these water so I will listen and weigh his advice, but the decision and responsibility is mine. I’ll call his office tomorrow and setup an appointment.
The dog knows I am upset he is sticking close by and has engaged me in play several times. I’ve been over in the MLC forum reading threads to calm down. There are people over there active for 7 plus years, and I have not been at this for 6 months. I have no room to b!tch about my sitch.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
The dog knows I am upset he is sticking close by and has engaged me in play several times. I’ve been over in the MLC forum reading threads to calm down. There are people over there active for 7 plus years, and I have not been at this for 6 months. I have no room to b!tch about my sitch.
True, but nor would I advocate waiting 7+ years. That just ain't healthy.
Aww - new babies and dogs are pretty amazing healing tools. I am very excited for you.
The house thing is tough, give him a chance to explain it to you, though. He may be trying to help you stay financially afloat after this and keep you from making emotional decisions that could hurt you later. You may have to pay out quite a bit to make that happen - what if selling it is the only way to prove you are underwater and that she isn't owed equity? It sounds like you have right outlook about it all. Make sure to factor moving, closing, new house closing/agent costs, etc when you figure out your cost to stay there vs move out.
I'm so glad extended family helped clarify how your wife's behavior towards mom was inappropriate. That's good.
Totally jealous of the archery and other fun things you are doing! (I love my kids, but they are a bit young for a lot of the things I enjoy doing)
Try to work on your temper - she will probably test it again and again in the coming months. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. Think of it this way - she probably held her anger over petty things in for years and now just feels justified in spewing it all out, all over you.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
The new baby won't be here until next year, DIL is only about 6wks along. I hope our S returns from Afgan before the little one arrives. It will be close.
If I didn't have some support from W's family I'd have been much worse off than I am and I am grateful for it.
My temper is under control for the most part. I am finding it difficult to be friendly and happy when she is confronting me. W was never one to hold anger or bite her tongue. I used to tease her she had all the tact of a hand grenade. I do know something of hand grenades.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: I met with my L today. I have been dreading this day for the last month. I have delayed this process as long as I could. I was attempting to give W space and time, while I Db’ed me. W and I have so little contact that from an emotional point of view the D happened already. So it is time to proceed and work out an arrangement to split this partnership. At this moment I am pretty ok with it. I am sure W will still through curves my way and maybe a hard fast one.
The house may still be sold in a short sale, but I do have a reasonable chance at keeping it.
Talking with my L brought another bit of information I was ignorant of. W and I split the joint accounts back in January. I thought the account I had now was not marital property, it is.
For the last 6 months I have been living like a pauper. Cutting corners wherever I could to build a little emergency fund against the day W removed household items or we got back together and needed to pay down debt.
Well I have better things to do with the emerg fund than give half to W. Starting with buying our D books for next semester, sending our S some really good care packages, replacing the lawnmower, and laying in some food. I’m taking Mom and D to a nice dinner. There are repairs around the house to complete also.
I am not done. I am still standing. I believe W needs to complete this part of her journey before either moving on completely or stopping and looking back.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Last Sunday our Daughter came in to shower after work. She was about an hour late, she was upset, but did not want to talk about what was bothering her. Last night she opened up.
It seems W was waiting for her in the parking lot at her employer. W wanted to give her a B-Day present and talk. The conversation became an argument, the argument got loud. Our daughter retreated into her employers building and W left expressing her righteousness. Last night our daughter told me she is giving the present, a blouse to goodwill. She said she can’t look at it without crying. It is too small. She thinks it came from the juniors section. She is still upset. There is nothing I can do but commiserate. She is becoming more estranged from her mother. I’ve tried to talk to her about finding some common ground, but she’s too emotional about it.
W is estranged from her parents, her mother particularly so. I was never able to find out why. She would only speak in general terms, about domination and abuse. The same things I have been accused of. When I speak to our daughter about finding common ground with her mother she tells me "Mom taught me well how to treat someone acting like she is now. That is what I am doing".
Yesterday was rough I was pretty sad and felt defeated about the direction this is taking, but after speaking with our daughter not as rough as her interaction with W. The ride continues.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Perhaps I should post more often, but there doesn’t seem to be much to post. Internet access is at work, and I need to maintain production. I need to restart the service at home after my budget settles.
I am waiting on my L to draft a proposal for my approval.
There has been no contact with W in over two weeks.
I am painting the house and cleaning the yard again. The lawnmower is in for repair. Archery is tonight. I have looked at kayaks, the cheaper ones are as expensive as a new bow. W has accused me of being a cheap SOB. That phrase ringing in my head helped us dig this debt hole.
Our daughter has asked to go on a little vacation with me after her summer classes conclude in August. We spoke about visiting Gettysburg. This was a stop on the last vacation W and I took. Our daughter wanted to go then but couldn’t due to her school schedule. IMO, this is a thing left undone for her. Maybe it seems odd that our almost 30 yr old daughter want to spend vacation time with us. I should explain the fam dynamic a bit.
Our daughter rebelled as a teenager. It got very serious after her 18th birthday. She is a lesbian and our inability to accept this aspect of her contributed to her rebellion. She began running with a crowd that isolated and took advantage of her. She distanced herself from a bad relationship as she entered her early twenties. She has been slowly integrating herself back into family ever since. Moving in with and keeping an eye on her grandmother was a big positive step. It contributed to improving her self esteem.
I accepted her as she is several years ago. W has not. I think this is contributing to the problem she and her mother are presently having. Ws decision, the way she announced it and the manner it has progressed has affected our daughter almost as much as me. Sadly I think I have moved further along the change curve that either of our children or W have. Good for me, but I feel a sense of responsibility to help the kids. I realize doing so could become meddling and using the kids. I am trying to restrict the impulse to fix it and I am letting them work through it.
One of the things bothering me is the conversation I had with our DIL. She recently separated from active service, her husband deployed, and the pregnancy is making her feel tired all of the time. When I spoke with her she sounded depressed, missing our son and staying in the apartment most of the time. All I could do was encourage her to get out of the apartment and find some fun activities. Her reaction to my suggestions was less than enthusiastic. We were just beginning to establish a relationship, and she isn’t very open with me yet.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
