The friends I had dinner with last night showed up at my house at 9:30 this morning. They spent hours helping me with the yard. We planted flowers etc - all things that used to be STBX's role to take the lead on. It was great to get the jobs done, but also great to not feel so alone for a change. Watching D19 working with our female friend made me sad. She should be doing that with her mother. I actually cried when they left, because I was feeling so many emotions. Watching them interact they way a husband and wife should made me miss having someone special to share my life with. The whole thing also made me angry that STBX doesn't care about the family any more. She only cares about work and OM/boss.
I know that I am the one living the more fulfilling life, but it still frustrates me that she has no idea what life is really all about.
The same couple are coming back soon so we can have dinner together, much the same we used to on Sundays a couple years ago. How can STBX not miss anything about our life? What kind of person has she become?
BTM - I'm new to your posts, but sort of caught up. I would guess STBX feels like she's failed in your relationship 2x now and that she cannot face or find the energy to go through reconciling again and possibly failing again. I wouldn't take it as not caring or missing parts of your life together- she's clearly very broken inside and trying to distract herself with a new man/new life.
Stay strong and believe in yourself - you're clearly doing great things for your D and showing her positive relationships that she can use as guidance for her own someday.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
BTM - I'm new to your posts, but sort of caught up. I would guess STBX feels like she's failed in your relationship 2x now and that she cannot face or find the energy to go through reconciling again and possibly failing again. I wouldn't take it as not caring or missing parts of your life together- she's clearly very broken inside and trying to distract herself with a new man/new life.
Stay strong and believe in yourself - you're clearly doing great things for your D and showing her positive relationships that she can use as guidance for her own someday.
I don't think she feels that she failed at all. I think she believes she is entirely justified in everything she did, so therefore, no failure on her part. As for being broken inside, that I agree with. Again, she feels she is the most well balanced person out there. She isn't distracting herself now, in fact, her life here at home with kids and I was a distraction from what she really wanted for years. OM/boss is all she ever wanted. That and a life of freedom and not feeling controlled by anyone.
I recently realized that the one thing she thrives on is the constant battle for power in the workplace and in her love life with OM. She often says how stressful it all is, but for some reason she needs that to live. She can't be happy in a calm, peaceful, "ordinary" life that most of us strive for.
I am staying strong and believe in myself more than I ever have in my entire life. The man I am today is a much better one than the one I was 2 years ago. It truly is a shame that STBX has chosen not to be with me now. But, at the same time, I actually understand how tough it must have been pining for him for so many years and that she could have never chosen me over him, once she was close to her holy grail.
I have said this a lot lately, but the more I understand the whole thing, the more closure I get and the better my future becomes.
Hi - I'm looking through a lens with the positive spin I try to put on my H's (somewhat similar) actions, to help me stay calm and kind. I hope that if my H is like your wife, that I can be as strong and honest with myself as you're being.
I'm sorry your wife is selfish and dramatic. You sound like a great person and I'm so happy that the future is looking good for you. There's so much good and valuable information in your posts.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Hi - I'm looking through a lens with the positive spin I try to put on my H's (somewhat similar) actions, to help me stay calm and kind. I hope that if my H is like your wife, that I can be as strong and honest with myself as you're being.
I'm sorry your wife is selfish and dramatic. You sound like a great person and I'm so happy that the future is looking good for you. There's so much good and valuable information in your posts.
I used to try to see the positive in everything, but that also stopped me from seeing the reality. I never allowed myself to see just how important OM was to her. I literally blocked out the obvious with positive thoughts.
Being honest with myself is really the only choice I have at this point. I need to see the stark reality and make the best life I can out of that and not false hopes and dreams.
At one point STBX had all but destroyed my self confidence and broke me down. I have done the best I can to put myself back together as a stronger person that I was before. I still have times when I feel weak, unattractive and scared, but I hope that will lessen with time.
I hope that there is lots of valuable stuff in my posts. Six years of battling for my family and ultimately losing that battle has been tough. But, if others can learn from it, than at least there is some solace for me.
Today marks 4 weeks since I have seen STBX. It's odd - I can't even really picture her in my mind. I suppose that's a good thing. On to day 8 of my most recent attempt at staying dark.
Even though I quit trying to save my marriage a couple weeks ago, I still like to comment here in addition to my journal at home. I find it calms me and I hope that others may learn something from what I go through.
This morning I was thinking about how much STBX must really hate me to humiliate and disrespect me so much for so long. Why didn't I know that sooner? So many times I thought I understood what was going on, but the reality is I never did. However, I think now I truly do. I have removed all my blinders and see the cold stark reality of the last 8-9 years of my life.
The good thing about seeing something so dark is that it makes me realize there was no reason to save our marriage. There was no care, affection, love from her and that is not what a marriage is about. Sure, I could have stayed blissfully ignorant and been surface happy for the rest of my life, but that's all it would have been.
Today is day 9 of dark, and I wonder if STBX will ever contact me. There is nothing positive in her doing so, but I simply wonder how long it will be. She's likely so relieved that she no longer has to fake it and pretend to have any interest in me. She finally has reached her ultimate goal and while that still makes me angry at times, in a weird way, I respect her dedication. She has never shown so much dedication to anything else ever.
Talking with a friend today I found out that STBX told kids about her and OM/boss in late February just before she and OM went on vacation together. That means they had to deal with a lot at once. The friend also told me that D19 told her it was really tough on her to keep the secret from me.
Right after I finished the call with the friend, STBX called me regarding grocery money she gives me and some idea about sharing a pre-ready dinner plan. I was somewhat cold, but not rude and turned down her offer by saying "I am trying to make better meals for the kids now and would prefer to do it on my own". I did not say a word about R or anything else. I made it clear that I was not interested in talking to her. She said "have a nice day" and all I said was "thank you" and hung up. It actually felt good to not get all weak at the sound of her voice. I'm sure it pissed her off, but what can she do? She can't possibly hurt me any more.
The call was hardly necessary, so it seems like she called just to see how I would react. She probably had a fight with OM recently and needed some ego boosting.
And earlier today I posted "I wonder if STBX will ever contact me". Well she did, and it really didn't matter. Right back to dark I go.......
[quote=AJM80]Hi - I'm sorry your wife is selfish and dramatic.
I used to try to see the positive in everything, but that also stopped me from seeing the reality. I never allowed myself to see just how important OM was to her. I literally blocked out the obvious with positive thoughts.
Being honest with myself is really the only choice I have at this point. I need to see the stark reality and make the best life I can out of that and not false hopes and dreams.
At one point STBX had all but destroyed my self confidence and broke me down. I have done the best I can to put myself back together as a stronger person that I was before. I still have times when I feel weak, unattractive and scared, but I hope that will lessen with time.
I hope that there is lots of valuable stuff in my posts. Six years of battling for my family and ultimately losing that battle has been tough. But, if others can learn from it, than at least there is some solace for me.
Today marks 4 weeks since I have seen STBX. It's odd - I can't even really picture her in my mind. I suppose that's a good thing. On to day 8 of my most recent attempt at staying dark.
You did not lose the battle.Your wife left. Your work to stay m had value and it's clear your kids saw that. That is why they struggled so mightily to protect you.
How are you supporting THEM now that you know the truth? Are you allowing your kids to be honest with you now or do they have to keep up the facade to protect you? It must be so draining and conflicting for them.
You are in a dark place. I hope you see the light soon. Your w, if she is truly gone, has lost a lot she is not aware of. And your kids have lost a lot of their mother. Be even more available to them and reassure them that you are strong enough to thrive again, not merely survive. That way they can work on healing themselves.
Your w is with OM now. You are not the first man to have that happen. But you can model for your kids what a man of strenght and honor does when faced with a blow like this. Your kids will face something like this sometime in their lives. Teach them that their pain won't be fatal and their pain won't be eternal, because yours is neither fatal nor eternal. You will be happy again IF YOU LET GO OF THIS....
that's the first step to healing. You have to stop staring at your pain and look instead at the blessings. YES I know you think that's a panacea but you know, it's also a truth. It's a cliche b/c it's so applicable so often.
And it does help. You are in a funk. Only you can get yourself out of it. Do it for your kids if you don't feel like you are worth it yourself...in time, you will realize you still have a life ahead of you and you CAN be happy again.
You did NOT WASTE those years your kids had an intact family for that much longer. You loved them, and it showed.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 - I'm really not in that dark of a place. Seriously. I'm sure it seems that way based on what I post here. But, please be aware that I post my negative thoughts here where it's safe to do so. I don't speak or act that way in front of my kids.
I am absolutely supporting them now and letting them be honest with me. The issue is that they don't feel comfortable talking with me, likely because they are afraid their mom will be angry with them. But, I think they know they can tell me anything.
I also think I am currently setting a better example than I ever have. For a while I let STBX use me to wipe her feet on. Now I no longer do that, but I am also not vindictive in any way. I never say anything about her or her relationship with OM any more.
I know that I am worth more than I have ever been in my life. I also know my kids deserve more than they have had.
I will keep your thoughts in mind, but again, I keep all my negative stuff here. I do not live it!
The good thing about seeing something so dark is that it makes me realize there was no reason to save our marriage. There was no care, affection, love from her and that is not what a marriage is about. Sure, I could have stayed blissfully ignorant and been surface happy for the rest of my life, but that's all it would have been.
Or, perhaps you might have done some things differently, and things MIGHT have turned out differently. Food for thought.
Look, BTM, I'm not trying to beat you up, but you've posted several of these similar posts here this week, and they seem awfully fatalistic to me. I've gone back and read your old threads, and it does seem to me like you were getting some good advice back then about things you might have done differently, instead of sticking your head in the sand.
Please understand that I am NOT trying to beat you up, and there's a very good chance that your wife simply has some serious character flaws, and there ISN'T anything you could have done differently. However, as this is a marriage-saving website, I think we'd all be wise to try to learn -- and understand -- our own roles in any marital demise, and to APPLY the knowledge, so that we don't carry the same dysfunction into our NEXT relationship.
I'm looking through a lens with the positive spin I try to put on my H's (somewhat similar) actions, to help me stay calm and kind. I hope that if my H is like your wife, that I can be as strong and honest with myself as you're being.