empowerment over, just had H pack his bags

[mermaid]

Hi CanadianMrs.
I am Canadian too. Anyway I think you need to keep moving on with your plans. Your h may be poking his head out of the tunnel but he is not totally out yet. These mlcers go in out so many times that you cannot count on anything or any one but yourself. You are right the ball is in his court. He needs to do all the work. You just need to be kind and listen to him. I know sometimes we are afraid that they will not do the work and we will lose out. But beleive me when he is ready he will do the work he needs to come home if you want him home. If he does not do the work then he is not ready. It means it will take longer but it is better then him coming home too soon and then running away again. Keep living your life. Keep doing what you do need to do for yourself and your kids.

[canadianMrs.]

Wow. Just spent the last hour with my H while he cried. He is a mess. He didn't say anything about us, mostly about the kids and how hard it will be when we move away.
He said he knows he shouldn't get any sympathy because he caused all this. It was very hard to watch. For 10 minutes we actually held each other and cried together. Then I pulled myself together and just sat beside him for the rest of the time.
This is from my cop husband who doesn't talk about emotions, and shows them even less.

[25yearsmlc]

i posted on your other thread.

[canadianMrs.]

Big update. Last night H called to talk to kids. After he asked to talk to me. I asked him if he was ok, since the day before was his big break down. He then went on to say everything is always on his mind. I said, we'll figure out how to keep the kids as involved with you as possible. He then says, its not just the kids, its you too. I never realized what I had untill it was gone. I know I've lost all trust, but I still wish there was a way to go from here. I was speechless. I told him I couldn't talk about that right then, it was a lot to hear. I also said its hard to believe after months of hearing I was the problem. He said he sees now I'm not the problem, and should have told me that before. He wants to talk tonight. I'm glad I put talking on hold. I've been thinking all day. Basically, we can't just get right back together. There are kids involved and they would be crushed if this didn't work out. I would still like him to go to counselling to deal with some things in his past. I would also like to all move home together, I still have to go regardless. I know I would never trust H and OW working in the same office. I know they are not together, but she would like to change that.
H's bf and I talked last night and he agrees we need to get out of this town. He said I've never been happy here and I need to be happy to be a good mom and maybe a good wife. He also said H needs to leave his current position because the 24/7 demands have been neglectful to his family. Its so nice to have great support, from all areas of our life. I hope H sees what a great friend he has. Basically, I'm going to keep moving forward with the door open a crack for H....open it ever so slowly with signs of progress on both our parts?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Wow. What a massive step!
You've got a lot to discuss and think about, both of you.
Still it's great news!

[25yearsmlc]

I posted on your other thread.

[canadianMrs.]

Its interesting that after months of DBing, it took my mother to point out how big the changes in H are. My coach asked me what would I be seeing in H for me to see change. I said for him to put the kids and I before work/work friends. Yesterday he stopped over and asked me out for lunch. I asked him if he was going to be late for going to a ball game with his friends. He said he cancelled. He then spent after school with our boys and then went to see our daughter who is away with her class for a camping trip. Last night was family night. I was impressed, but it took my mom pointing out that this was huge, for me to realize I met a DB goal. How true you sometimes don't fully see the changes.
H also came over yesterday to say OW had contacted him. He told her once and for all they can never be together, no one would ever except them and how do you have a R like that. I was impressed he told me.

[Lorie1964]

Wow!! That is huge!! Now what is your next goal??

[canadianMrs.]

I'm not sure. I have been thinking about it though.

Strange turn of events. I got an e-mail from OW`s H on fb, wanting to know my side of the story. He really was in the dark. He seems to be in a good place though. OW left him in the winter, but never told him why. Now he knows why. He had heard rumours and I guess he figured I would be the one to know for sure. The thing I am struggling with is, OW H doesn`t seem to have contact with OW, but he thought they were still together. Now, it was only a week ago that H really made it clear with OW that it was over for good. Maybe OW H is not in the loop or I`m setting myself up again. I do worry about this. H is still trying very hard. He is patient and gets my struggles. Still I worry about round 2 of being in the dark about A/the lies etc. I want to believe H. I also don`t want to move to fast on this.
My mind is a mess today.

[canadianMrs.]

Another update, the good with the bad.

The last couple of weeks have been going well. H has really been trying; calling, texting, helping with the kids, around the house etc. I went away last week, and he stayed with the kids. He cleaned the house for me, did laundry, planned/booked D's b-day party...all things H would never have done before. He called me a lot while I was away too.


THEN, Monday. I come out of the grocery store and I see his car. Then I see him and OW come out of the coffee shop. I lose it. I went over to them, and he tried to tell me it wasn't what it looked like. I ignored him and went to her. I told her what this has done to my children, that H has been saying he wants me back, and that all our friends and family have said they will never except her in his life. I told her what H tells me about her (not flattering). It was great. I didn't yell, but I was assertive. I walked away with H running after me, saying he wanted to talk/fix this. I told him to go.
I went home and he tried calling me all the way home. I ignored him. He comes over and says he really hasn't had contact with her, he ran into her and she asked if they could have coffee. He says he realizes now that he really can't have any contact with her, and told her so. I guess she didn't like him running after me either. I don't know what to believe. I told him this took any progress back to square one in my eyes.
He has been trying even harder the last couple of days. I'm still numb from Monday. He just called to ask if he could take me out for dinner. That was actually one of my other "signs of improvement", him initiating time together.
We'll see where we go from here. His bf heard about the incident too, and H got an ear full from him too.
The rollercoaster ride....