After MLC, do they understand their behavior?

[25yearsmlc]

my h also did not have answers "for everything" and probably never will. I let go of the belief that we had to see our marital history in identical ways too. We simply don't see things the same way b/c we each look at our lives with our own lens, and there's no way even good marriages look the same to both partners. (Car accident witnesses don't remember things the same way either)

Some things they'll do that hurt you, they may not even recall 5 years later or even a month later, literally. And you will have hurt them and you won't recall it the same way OR at all. So do you keep hammering them on this to make sure you each see every event the same way, or do you let go of the past and try to agree on "now and from this day forward"?

I submit you stay in the now and go forward. He cannot overcome everything in the past.

But I think What you are really asking is what you risk by forgiving. I have been there, done that. It's not an easy question to answer. But ask also, what you risk by not forgiving. And if you don't try again even though he seems ready (if he does) you'll wonder what role your pride and bruised ego had, versus honest analysis on your end. There's a fine line between healthy boundaries and our egos...sometimes it's blurry too.

Deciding to take him back in, if that is what he wants, requires clarity from him, and Is something only you can do.

I can tell you things that I think will harm your chances of success, and you can use them if they're part of you.

Meaning, if you think you'll probably throw this in his face down the road, or that you'll hold it over his head like the sword of Damacles (even if unintentional on your part) then you'll end up with a divorce, or a lousy marriage filled with bitterness.

Can you forgive him?

Do you know how? I didn't know how, b/c I didn't grow up seeing it. I had to learn it and it IS a learned skill, and a process that takes time and practice. I do know that letting go is part of it.

It's not about him deserving forgiveness either. I heard someone say that "If you hold onto your anger to punish someone, it's like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."

You will definitely be a happier woman if you let go of the anger and pain. Try turning it over to God and not taking it back. This does not mean you have to take your h back, b/c letting go of this is for YOU.

But if you do take him back, you do have to let it go or you'll be sabotaging it.

My h does not recall some of the things he said and he certainly does not know all the reasons he did what he did. I believe one reason is b/c he was selfish. He is a hard working man and morphed that hard work into feeling entitled to getting whatever he wanted, (even at the expense of our marriage and family. ) He does not see it this way, even now. But he's an improved h and I am glad we are together.

The way you handle taking him back, if you do, matters, and it will increase or decrease the chances of you guys making it.

HE has to trust that you won't punish him forever, or keep making him "earn the trust" back indefinitely...and you have to trust him and the future enough to try piecing.

I highly recommend that you try Retrovaille,(a marriage retreat that helps troubled couples) if you are open to it.

We found it very helpful. I felt like I could let go of the past without feeling as if I was setting myself up for more pain. And I felt like less of a shrew. He felt a great weight off his shoulders and had more hope for us than before and seemed ready to prove that he could be the man he once was, and he has for the most part. It was only after attending that (as well as a year of piecing) did I feel like we really had a new and improved marriage, as opposed to a wounded marriage just trying to survive. Oh, Retrovaille has a follow up program too, you ought to do b/c like DBing, it works when you work it.

Good luck!