Harrier

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well I sent in my request to have you unmoderated.

Just try to not rock the boat with other powers that be. ; )

For me, I'd deffinately stop bringing up 'divorce' in any discussion or fight. It's not a game winning word, its a game ending word.

Also, it seems to me, and I used to have this problem...maybe I still do, I know alot of people do, we bring up our fears when we 'fight' looking to have them not dissmissed, but...assuaged.

I said maybe you are right about us not working or me wanting out because I keep sabotaging things.

As an example, deep down in your shoes, I'd be hoping she'd be saying, "Oh no, we should be able to work this out; or you're not sabotaging things."

I also don't have any 2x4's for you man. You're a smart man, you know what you want, and I think you have a good grasp of what doesn't work in getting what you want.

Should you have looked at her phone?

...

Before sex? No.

Later? Why not? trust but verify. That should be part of piecing when infidelity occurs and both parties are working on being married.

That is the part that bothers me about your wife...

Isn't she on board with you guys working toward rebuilding your marriage? She is a psychiatrist...right? Or some sort of mind doctor. : ) Trying to be a little funny there.

There is a way to let her know how determinetal to earning your trust back her initiating contact, any contact with the OM is going to be to that process.

You know her best, when does she listen and heed you? Likely not when you guys are fighting. Fighting in my experience is just who yells loudest.

I have a great friend (FaithinAK) who passed along this advice to me, advice I love.

"Listen without defending, speak without offending."

As somone who had to learn how to trust again, you ARE going to look, you are going to verify, your trust is not misplaced. You are going to jump to conclusions, moreso if I 'discover' something disturbing on my own. I also told my wife that. I asked that she understand.

Of course, I watched a romantic movie about a boy who finds his soulmate in the second grade and their story as they grow up.

No 2x4's but...man why not hit your johnson with a hammer while your at it?

Then she tells me that even if we get divorced we will always have a relationship an she would want me to see the kids every day and spend weekends together. She said I'm such a big part of her life that she simple cannot imagine me not in it. She then tells me that a divorce is just a piece of paper that doesn't define our relationship from that point.

That right there...is not reality. That's a movie or a TV show.


Harrier, stop being your own worst enemy.

Is it too late?

No.

No man.

She cares about you.

When does she best respond to you?
How are you acting when she does?

If you guys are piecing, then there are some boundaries; you both have to set, and neither can cross. You (collective) break a boundary you break trust. Without trust...you have no relationship, not one you want to build on.

The emotional crying part?
Listen to your gut on that one, not saying it wrong, just saying your gut might have a better understanding of the situation in that aspect. Most people view tears as traps, even if they say they don't, they make people uncomfortable at the very least.