W initiated more discussion tonight. She said she would stay in the marriage because it is the "right thing to do", but that for now it would be a loveless, passionless, sexless marriage - exactly what I had said I would not be a part of. It tore me apart to hear that but I maintained my composure as best as I could. I asked if this was as good as it would get. Her answer: "I don't know."
I feel powerless. She is holding our marriage in her hands and she is slowly crushing the life out of it. Maybe I'm being unrealistic in my expectations. I allowed them (expectations) to control my thoughts and actions, and I sense she has no respect and a lot of contempt for me. Every thing I do - every word I speak, every action, every reaction - is going to be analyzed, scrutinized and judged by her to determine if I am worthy of her love and affections.
I have lost focus; I'm dwelling on her and have forgotten about me. I'm looking for affirmation from her, and I am certain I appear pathetic and pitiful in her eyes.
Help.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
