A New Chapter Begins

[MHL]

I hesitated making this post, as I originally thought that it pertained more to my D14 and the things she is dealing with especially being a 14 year old girl and what a young girl experiences as she is changing into a young woman.

After my S10 broke down again last night concerning his mother and lack of contact with her over the weekend, I had a good bit of anger towards my XW come up. Given the situation with my D14 it is clearly evident that XW is still DEEP in MLC. Unfortunately, I still find myself exposed to the madness even post divorce.

As many of you are aware my D14 has struggled with the actions and words of her mother over the last 2 years. As of right now they have no relationship what-so-ever and my XW does not attempt to contact her at all. My D14 has been seeing a very good therapist for the last 2 months as she tries to cope with the stress of her mother’s MLC and the normal stresses in a 14 year old girl’s life.

Last Tuesday night during her weekly therapy session, my D14 admitted that she has had thoughts of “wanting it all to end” and that at times she is severely depressed. She further disclosed to the therapist that last summer of 2010 she had considered “doing something” but decided not to because she did not want to her brother to find her.

At that point the therapist was duty bound to act and had to report the concerns. As a result, last Tuesday night I checked my D14 into a hospital for psychiatric evaluation and treatment because of thoughts of suicide. She is still there and we are not sure when she will get out.

While I personally don’t think that my daughter would harm herself I do know that she gets very depressed and sad at times because she morns the loss of her mother. I believe my D14 is in the right place and is getting the help she needs. My D14 is now on anti-D’s.

Because this has happened I have had to have more contact with my XW to give her information concerning our D14. Up until now I have purposely limited my contact with XW for my own good. D14 does not want her mother to have any access to her in the hospital nor have any access to her information from the hospital. I had to deliver this decision to my XW who immediately accused me of trying to control her and she started to take a harsh tone with me, which I immediately shut down.

After my XW calmed down we had about an hour long conversation about the situation between her and our D14. I stated that I did not want to hurt her (my XW) feelings and that if at anytime she did not want to carry on the conversation, that all she had to do was let me know and I would end the conversation. I also told her that some of the things that our D14 is saying and feeling are the same things that I have felt and would have wanted to ask of my XW in the past.

These are some of the things I communicated to my XW that my D14 said the night before.

Our D14 is struggling with the decisions and actions you have made in your life.
D14 wants to know if you realize the amount of pain you have caused and are causing her.
D14 wants to know if you realize the pain that S10 is in but says nothing about.
D14 wants to know if you realize the pain you caused me.
D14 wants to know WHY?
D14 wants to know why you lie to her repeatedly.
D14 is very, very angry with you.
D14 wants know why you don’t try to do anything until something major happens.
D14 thinks you want to act like everything is normal and that you did nothing wrong.
D14 thinks that you “just don’t get it”.
D14 misses her “old mother” and she does not miss the person you are now.
D14 misses having a regular family.
D14 thinks that your life before you went crazy was good, we had it all, nice house, good schools, friends, basically the American dream……now you live in a dump and her and her brother don’t like coming over to visit…….was it all worth it???
D14 doesn’t want to have contact with your family because she thinks that they support your decisions.

I shared with my XW that I thought she could have a relationship with her daughter someday but it would never be a normal mother/daughter relationship. I told XW that both her and D14 will need to be healthy individually before they could have a healthy relationship together.

I also told XW that she is still causing pain by avoiding talking about things with D14 and until she stops causing pain the healing will never start. I told her it will take a lot of effort on her part over a very long time with no guarantee of a relationship in the end. I told her that she needs to make an effort daily to contact D14 no matter what. I told XW that D14 needs to feel “worthy of her efforts”.

My XW expressed regret for not trying and that she knows that she is “messed up”. XW also admitted that she is not sure about what she did in the past that caused or is causing D14 pain. My XW also admitted that she does not remember things that I have told her she has said and done in the past.

I caution those that are reading this that are interested in saving their marriage, that this IS NOT a course of action to follow. I am simply documenting my experience in dealing with a spouse that is suffering MLC. I am DIVORCED and I am no longer interested in reconciling, however I am still dealing with MLC as I have to have continued contact with my XW as I raise my children.

At the end of the conversation I committed to calling my XW every time I visited with or had any new information about our D14,………..which I have done.

More…………