Harrier

[Harrier]

Crap. This weekend the house of cards fell. We are back to talking about separating/divorce again. I can't friggin' believe we are here again. And yes it's 100% my fault. I also wonder if the events of the last few weeks have taken their toll on both of us

Friday night - my W tells me that she' thinking that we could have ML on Saturday. Well I was quite please as this was a good step forward.

Saturday - very good day. My son had a friend over and they played. We went out to a nice dinner and I really started to feel connected to my Wife again. I'm sure she felt the same. All I kept saying to myself is Don't mess this up.

She goes to put our son to bed. So I'm messing around on my computer. For some unknown reason, I decide to check the cell phone records. I see that she sent one text the guy she had an EA with at 8:24 that morning. Inside, I kinda was crushed and flipped out a little. I try to talk myself down a little and tell myself it was work related. She texts me to come upstairs. frankly, it was not very good. She wasn't that into it and it felt awkward especially since I just found out about the text. (ave teh the 2x4s, I'm beating myself up pretty badly)

So after, I get the feeling she want me to leave. So I give her a little hug and then let her be.

After I put our son to bed, I go down stairs to hang out. She comes downstairs and says that she knows ML wasn't great but she wanted to take it slow without jumping into it. She then goes to bed. I start thinking about the text, then my mind wanders to all sorts of crap. I start to get really mad like "why the heck does she need to text this guy at 8 in the morning on a Saturday, especially when she told me he's on a fishing trip."

So I get read to go to bed and the text is still on my mind. so then I get the idea that I'm going to try get her phone from the night stand and read the text to l can get some peace of mind....so I can get some peace of mind. Stupid, stupid stupid.

You can probably guess what happens. She catches me before I even get to the phone. We talk/fight about it for a little bit and one point she said something like maybe it just won't work. But she said she wants to talk the next day to see how things are.

Sunday -- after lunch we sit down to talk. I said maybe you are right about us not working or me wanting out because I keep sabotaging things. We both kinda come around to the idea that divorce is probably too extreme of a reaction. Then she talks about separation and I kinda flip out on her. She said maybe it will give us time to see how important we are to each other, when that person is gone. I say, I think it's just a step toward divorce. She says it will only be if I have that attitude.
We talk some more and it get's kinda nasty I'm harping on her EA thing and then at one point she says "you've convinced me that we should just go straight to divorce." Of course I flip out even more. Then she tells me that even if we get divorced we will always have a relationship an she would want me to see the kids every day and spend weekends together. She said I'm such a big part of her life that she simple cannot imagine me not in it. She then tells me that a divorce is just a piece of paper that doesn't define our relationship from that point. I then say the if we are divorced we are free to pursue other relationships and I can't imagine her being with another guy. She said "you think I'm thrilled about the idea of another woman try to be mommy to N and J."

We both kinda agree that we are too emotional now to make any decision and we should let things settle out over the next week or so. I am seeing our marriage counselor by myself on June 2. I said I want to wait on that. She said, "that's okay, but know that Separation is still what I'm thinking about. Don't pretend this didn't happen." I say that I'm confused about what this means and how we interact. She said nothing will change. She will still give me some physical affection, still try to spend time but that sex will be off the table at least until my appt with the MC. I say that I want to try some marriage building exercises. She agrees but not until after the MC.

I was very emotional, crying etc. I told her that I hate being the emotional one because I feel it makes me look weak. She said that it didn't but that one of us has to be emotional.

I spent a lot of the night crying /sobbing thinking about a future without her. Of course, I watched a romantic movie about a boy who finds his soulmate in the second grade and their story as they grow up.

Before bed she comes to me and gives me a hug and says, "It will be okay." and a kiss then another hug. We are still sleeping in the same bed.

At this point,I really think this is my last shot . Things have improved but just not enough for her. I mean last year when this happened, I went to her and grilled her about an early morning text. This time I didn't fly off the handle immediately. But in the nd it doesn't really matter what I did. I betrayed her trust

I don't know where she is, but I don't want talk to her about it either. This morning as we were leaving she stopped me and said "let me give you a hug." I don't know if it was a pity hug or not.

A few other things. For some reason, I had been keeping copes of the emails between my W and the OM. I don't know why. Maybe I thought if we got a D, I could try to ruin his family. I read them from time to time, as painful as they were. Today, I finally shredded them. I think that by holding onto them, I was holding onto their EA even though it is over. (They still work together minimally)

It's hard for me to grapple with what has happened. I mean nothing fits. When I think about my W and our history, I remember a lot of the positive and so does she. In fact the only one that has re-written our history is me. We do seem to still care for each other. We do a lot of little small things for eachother. She says she loves me a lot and can't imagine me not being in her life (now this may be typical spouse BS, but my W isn't the time to say it unless she 100% means it.)

When I think of it my W has never brought up divorce first (since that day in November). If anyone brings it ups it's me.

i think that with the sabotaging, the re-writing history, the bring up the D word too loosely, the not respecting her. I have mad it hard for her to move on as a married couple. Maybe my message are starting to sink in.

Yet, I cannot imagine my life with out her or even not having her around all the time. I don't even see any other women who compare. Not that I put her on a pedestal she is human, I se that. But I love and accept her warts and all.

I know what I have to do, but I hope it's not too late.

P.S for the love of God can't I not be moderated anymore.