The thing about an EA is, the affair partner doesn't have to see that person in order to fantasize about how wonderful she is, and how much happier he'd be with her--the fantasies can be enough for long stretches of time. However, until he has chosen to remove her from his mind, he will continue to consider her as a source of all good attributes, and demonize his spouse (who stands in the way of the EA relationship being fulfilled).
The only way to let him see you as you really are is to let go--to stop trying to meet his needs, to find ways of making yourself happy. Once he sees that the dynamic has changed in ways that would make it more difficult to come back into your heart, he will know that he has to let the fantasy go if he wants to keep you. And once he makes the choice to let the fantasy of the OW go, he will again approach you with the delight he felt when you were first together. At least, that's exactly what I found in my H's case.
