Rollercoaster of love

[LearningPatience]

Further proof that GAL reduces your stress...

Went back to art festival and hung out with a couple friend of mine. They're getting M in a little over a month. Was great to just sit back and have a couple of beers with them. Tried to avoid W conversations, but they came up. I asked them to sit me at a different table from W at their reception, and they said they planned on sitting me, W and OM at 3 different tables... Just had to laugh at that. F friend went off to listen to band and M friend and I had a bunch of guy talk. Was nice...

Went to MIL and FIL house afterwards to hang out. They found out I don't eat when I'm upset, so they 'made' me eat dinner there. Didn't argue much. Again, tried to avoid W convo, but it came up. Told them about plan B letter and what it entailed and they were all for it. Have I ever mentioned I love my ILs?

Didn't get a chance to write letter yet and W might be home before tomorrow morning. Left her a note asking to text me if she gets in before tomorrow so I don't have to feed the dogs (or see her, but didn't mention that part). I really don't want to see her...

[LearningPatience]

OK, I've written my Plan B letter. I used a few templates and put things in my own words. I'm looking for any feedback, positive or negative. Here it goes...

J,

This is by far the most difficult letter I’ve ever had to write. I can’t state enough how much you mean to me, how deeply I love you and how painful it is that we’ve reached this point in our marriage.

First, I need to apologize for my phone call on Friday stating that I wanted a divorce. I said those words out of frustration and not out of an actual desire. I know it has to be difficult for you when I take out my frustrations that way rather than calmly discussing them together in the same room. I am sorry.

More importantly, I must apologize for my role in the death of our marriage. I was emotionally unavailable to you when you needed me the most. I took our lives and relationship for granted, assuming you knew I loved you without me actually demonstrating it. I was miserable, moody, depressed and difficult to be around. My final cry for help, my suicide attempt, was by far the most selfish, inconsiderate and painful thing I could have done. I hurt you terribly and I may never be able to repair the damage I’ve done to you.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, about you and about the two of us together over the past year. I know what I need to do moving forward to mend our wounds and to create a new partnership. I’ve reawakened those traits in me that first drew us together.

As much as I want to rebuild our relationship, I cannot do that when OM is in the picture. This is the most painful thing I have ever endured. For this reason, I can no longer see you or speak to you as long as you have any type of relationship with OM. This is not to punish you, this is to save the good feelings and love I have for you and help me heal.

I ask that you respect this decision and do not contact me directly unless there is an emergency. Any contact between us should go through a third party, such as MIL, FIL or similar. I am willing and would like to finish the siding project I’ve started, but I would need to work on it without your presence. Other than that, I will be unavailable for any other help.

My deepest hope is that we reconcile someday and build an even stronger bond between us. For this to happen, you would need to end all contact with OM and work with me to rebuild the trust and love we once shared. You were my best friend, lover, confidant and I was your biggest fan. It would be a hard journey, but I believe from the bottom of my heart that we could emerge from this ordeal a stronger, happier couple.

With all of my love
M

[LearningPatience]

I left this letter on her door today. I'll assume she got it.

I'm feeling rather numb right now. I looked up a website today that gives you a 'stress score' based on events happening in your life (http://www.stressaffect.com/Stressful-Life-Events-List.html). My score was 405, where 300 is the score for high stress. Yikes! I would have sworn I was only a 305-310...

Let's end on a positive note. Had teeth cleaned at dentist today. No cavities!

[LearningPatience]

yet more journaling...
got an email back from MIL saying:

Per her phone conversation with me, the letter sounded like a 12 year old (although FIL and I disagree). We told her that it was from someone who truly loved her but found it too painful to be with her when there was no relationship.

She wanted you to know that she's still going to do stuff with mutual friends regardless of you potentially being there. She's going to get a lawyer because family shouldn't have to be part of this (meaning us I think).

And mail isn't an emergency. I told her to drop off any mail at our house and we'll see he gets it.
Oh well.

From our stressless home to yours.
MIL

All I could respond to this was:

Thank you. I didn't really expect anything different.

Times like this I need to remind myself that I don't even know who this person is, it certainly isn't the person I fell in love with and married.

[~ kd ~]

I saw your plan b letter and thought about advising against it. Still, I think we all need to do certain things in order to understand what does and does not work. Learn by experience.

I'd done a lot of similar letter writing in the past to my W. It either pissed her off or pushed her further away. It was never helpful, although there were some rare revelations in a couple instances.

In the end, it does seem that unless moving towards piecing, and even in those situations, letter writing is not a good way to discuss feelings.

Your expectations were met. And as you mentioned, you do not know this person. Eventually, you may have the opportunity to get to know them and whether you want to be with them.

Best wishes, of course.

[LearningPatience]

Thanks KD for the well wishes. I just got to the point where I couldn't take the limbo anymore. The A wasn't ending, in fact, looked like it was getting more intense. And it was this time last year that it all started, which I guess weighed on me.

In the end, the letter was really for me, a closure of sorts. As hard as it is for now, it allows me to more forward. And as I've said to my friends and all of the BITS, I appreciate all the support I've received. Heck, that was one of my first 180s, reaching out to people when I needed help rather than holding it all in (stupid Swedish stoicism:)

[~ kd ~]

A litmus test of sorts. I hear you. PH level still high, eh?

That was my reasons for writing letters and testing my W, as well. I just needed to be able to get to an emotional point where I could move on. I needed "proof" that there was nothing left.

Imagine how it feels to our spouses as we continue to prove to them that our Ms aren't worth saving.

No judgment. About a month ago, I got to where you are now. Still just putting one foot in front of the other. But it's getting better and it's getting easier.

Keep us updated on your GAL. We can share ideas, maybe. For example, I had a great time at a wine tasting event.

[LearningPatience]

Well, I woke up this morning feeling ok. Not great, but not too bad. Got to work and noticed W sent me an email, despite me asking her not to contact me directly. In her email, she reiterated that she will hang out with mutual friends, that she doesn't want family involved, so that she will use a lawyer instead and that not talking is impractical due to some joint debts/bills. She also said this was another example of my poor communication skills, as I should have said something directly to her.

Honestly, I'm physically shaking now.

[Starsky309]

Well, I woke up this morning feeling ok. Not great, but not too bad. Got to work and noticed W sent me an email, despite me asking her not to contact me directly. In her email, she reiterated that she will hang out with mutual friends, that she doesn't want family involved, so that she will use a lawyer instead and that not talking is impractical due to some joint debts/bills. She also said this was another example of my poor communication skills, as I should have said something directly to her.

Honestly, I'm physically shaking now.

She's testing you, nothing more. Stick to what you said in your Plan B letter. She will swing wildly all over the map, from badgering you to being sweet as sugar, to try to get a reaction out of you and ongoing contact (pronounced "control.")

Don't take the bait.


Starsky

[LearningPatience]

Definitely not, Starsky. That was the whole purpose of the letter, right?

I also know W lashes out when angry, so I somewhat expected this.

As numb as I've felt off and on for the past few days, I know it's what I need to do. I read some more advice on Plan B letters and one idea I liked is having all emails from W auto-forwarded to my intermediary (MIL). I'll run it by her tonight.

Going to see S14's final band concert tonight. Afterward, MIL and FIL are taking all of us (S12/S14/me/1st W) out for ice cream. Something pleasant to look forward to this evening.

KD, wine tasting is something W and I used to do, so I might skip that idea. Techno festival this weekend, never been there, should be fun, or at least interesting. I'll keep you posted on other GAL ideas I get.