I know that my W pain is much more intense than mine, and she was betrayed by someone close to her. -blah blah--->Might not pay off but would never forgive my self for not trying.
Maybe others have a nicer way of putting this, but just save yourself the time, money, and heartache your wife will have by initiating the divorce right now. Read that first line again - someone close to her?
Are you so screwed up that you can't even say YOU betrayed her, even on an anonymous internet forum?
And YOU might not forgive YOURself for not trying for MY (not OUR) family?
Nothing in there on how to act so your wife may be inclined to forgive you.
Wow..just wow. You sound like you want to go through the motions, but - at least for now - not in a place where you're willing to do what it takes to make your relationship work. That's ok, lots of people do that, there's no shame in it.
Like another person put, you don't even know if it's worth saving, at least let your wife go so she can find someone who will adore and respect her and treat her like gold instead of whatever it is you are considering.
Now the true question of what kind of man you are is when she no longer cares about you and accepts that she doesn't need a husband twisting in the wind over his own little boy issues and finds a man who owns up to being faithful.
Read that first line you posted again - out loud to her - just to see what it sounds like.
I might be wrong but I thought it was a reference to the fact that OW was a friend of hers. And that was like a double betrayal so in Chris's defense, I'm guessing he means it's even harder for his w b/c she has a double whammy, her h AND her friend...
Chris, is that what you meant? And how the hell close was this "friend" anyhow?
NOT TO DIGRESS TOO MUCH HERE BUT LADIES, CAN WE SPREAD THE WORD THAT IT'S A LOUSY CRUMMY THING TO GO AFTER A MARRIED MAN!!
FOR EVERY CHEATING H, THERE'S AN OW OUT THERE POUNCING INTO ADULTERY...SHAME ON THEM.
End of digressing vent...back to Chris...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree 25 there is always OW out there for a guy to cheat with...in my case it was a married woman with my married H so double whammy there.
Chris-You are really getting pounded on here. I know you are trying and everyone on here just wants to help. The main points that I am hearing from people is that you need to become more self-aware. I do believe that you want to make your M work, but sometimes what you say and do don't match your intentions. Right now with your W, she is possibly being as critical as some of the ladies on here if not more because I know I would be, so take what is being said as advice. Really watch what you say like is it your family or our because changing a pronoun like that shows completely different intentions.
It is all things to think about as you continue your IC and also as you make yourself better. It is a great chance to grow and growing is hard, especially when it must take place quickly, but it is always worth it. I was the cheated on spouse and I know I did some things that didn't help the situation, not that an A is ever EVER ok, but on my own I have grown and become a better person. It was hard, but I am glad I did it. Now it is your turn. It is hard, but in the end it will make you a better man, husband, and father, which is all important.
One question on my mind is do you think some of the "my" and "me" is coming from you already DBing before? Do you subconsciously feel like you already did this and don't want to do it again? It was hard work before and maybe you are revolting against the idea of hard work especially knowing that you caused the issue this time? I don't want an answer just something for you to look inside yourself and ask the tough questions so you can change and work.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I don't know if Chris meant the OW was a friend. My sense was that the OW was not a friend, and when Chris decided the affair had run its course, he cut her loose and the OW contacted his wife.
Was the OW a friend of your wife? That's waaaay grosser, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, hasta la vista creepier. And sad.
Personally, except for the low moments - that we all have but get through - I don't think it's wrong for women to cheat with married men. They didn't take vows to be faithful. To me, it's like blaming a mall for putting out merchandise instead of squarely putting blame on a thief who steals it.
Like I remember when my ex and I had first started dating and the early years of our marriage. There were loads of opportunity for cheating and on my part, I never even thought of it since I was happy at home. The affair is the result of a problem, not the cause of it and the other party isn't even really part of the problem too.
But in that window when I was on the fence I asked the ex to see the emails he sent the OW to see what he thought of me. He said it didn't matter but eventually they were shared and he lied to her just like he lied to me. That evidence was what was able to carry me through the harder parts of the divorce and I am grateful for learning what he was made of (victim mentality seeking comfort without taking responsibility, which Chris should be aware of since his wife might be thinking the same thing. )
I assume your point is that the ow is lied to and therefore not as responsible for cheating with a married man. And maybe you are also concerned that I'm somehow blaming the woman and not holding the man responsible. Well, not to hijack this thread but I disagree almost 100%. I'm NOT letting the h off the hook. But it takes two to tango and I'm always disappointed when I see a woman knowingly dating or sleeping with a married man as if there isn't a wife out there who's getting her heart broken.
We KNOW married men who cheat will always rationalize. It's a cliche-"oh, your w doesn't understand you? OH how sad...what's that? SHE isn't good to you? Your m had problems BEFORE ME, then THIS is NOT our fault, it's HERS... so of course you NEED ME?? And I'm not responsible for chasing a married man " Absurd.
Knitted, don't misunderstand. I'm NOT blaming the OW more than the h. HE made vows and he broke them, so I get that. But I'm tired of OW's acting as if they bear no responsibility. Esp when they pursue a wealthy man or a famous man and want money for it...geez, what does that make THEM?
(Arnold's Married mistress KNEW and worked for the wife and cared for the kids, for YEARS!.....On a daily basis that woman saw Maria and their family's time but horned in anyhow AND according to her, she pursued him and HE LET HER so they're both liars and cheats...long term deceit takes a certain type of rationalization that ought to scare the people who love them). That's a special kind of cold Sh$#
Back to earth Chris, who was the OW??
And how are you doing?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Obiviously I have miss stated what I ment. Of course it our family and I want to save. I am trying to own up it and thought I have. I think that some on here have such and axe to grind against men that no matter what I say it will be wrong. I KNOW knitted I am not the victim. I am not trying to be the victim. I am not a little boy. Yes I have issues such as abuse that I have suffered as a child. Who hasnt! I am trying to work through them and not use them as an excuse for [censored]. I dont consider them little boy issues. Instead being an ass why dont you just tell me what you idea of owning up would be ? But for those of you with helpful constructive info. THANK YOU!!!!!
Sorry but I am trying, I dont know what to do ...I came here for help. I have had some great advice but most just want to bash me. I have admitted from day one I [censored] up. I was wrong I did a horrible thing that she and our children will pay for the rest of their lives. All because of me................I am the f*cking devil! Is that what you to hear is that better?
No, I'm not here to agitate or anger you. I simply mention those points bc that might be what your wife is thinking....it will help you see another perspective.
The good advice people are giving is diverse, so you pick what works for you and your family and what doesn't. But if you don't know what to do, here's some -
Some people say avoid deep relationship talks for a while. And that might be true, but this is something that will absolutely help, even though it might not be this week, month, or even this year.
Ask your wife this:
What is the question she wants answered that she's afraid to ask you.
That is, there are some questions that you just need to know to heal - to hear it outloud - that will help bring you closer (or break you up).
It doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. I've seen lots of great guys go through emotional nightmares from their cheating wives. One question a friend needed to know was that the bikini waxes his wife started getting WEREN"T FOR HIM. That helped him emotionally even though it's a brutal truth. Another man needed to know if his cheating wife did it because he didn't make enough money. She told him that she had pawned her engagement ring almost 18 months prior and replaced the diamond with a cubic zirconium so she didn't have to feel controlled by his money. Cold.
Men and women can be equally cruel and have different needs for their recovery from infidelity. For one of these stories, they stayed together, another they didn't, but it doesn't matter which one is which. Both cheated on partners needed a specific, heartbreaking question answered.
A friend who is a woman needed NOT to know the details from her cheating husband. She didn't want any details at all.
I needed to see the emails he used to solicit sex from the OW. Looking back, one really important line he wrote became my mantra that gave me the strength to divorce him without changing my mind. He wrote to the other woman: My kids would love you.
He told me that the OW was an awful, ugly, mean woman but that's not true.
I don't have an ax to grind again men.
I have an ax to grind against liars.
So ask your wife: what part of the lie you told her does she need to know the truth about.
It might just help you to offer it instead of putting the burden on her since she's (obviously) got a whole lot of other things to consider (like if that bikini wax she's been thinking of is overdue, maybe your wife wants to have sex with other men too).
Why dont you please help me a little less..and stop reading my post. You are NOT helping your doing nothing but trying to cause problems. Not going get sucked in by you again. Besides sounds like your the hurt little girl who cant let go.
