FD- stay calm, ok? The emotions balance out over time. Set goals to just get through a few weeks, then a few weeks, etc. I've just read through and caught up on all your posts. My H and I are both pretty hardcore business people and we let work get in the way of our lives together. Sounds like your wife may have loved the idea of a little homestead, but got freaked out about giving up the career and life that defined her.
If you think your marriage is over, it probably is (we are good at fulfilling our own prophecies, other than those pesky New Zealand earthquake ones). But let's stop for a minute and think bigger picture about some of the things people are saying. I'm not reconciled, H hasn't said he wants to come back, etc. However, we've gone from him acting as if he was on drugs (that erratic addict behavior you described) and ignoring me/the kids when he had visitation to being a pretty good father and even saying he was an idiot for what he did. DBing is valuable for a lot of reasons. Keep it up. I can imagine a little of the hurt and pain you are feeling - let her come out of this fog and you'll start to see glimpses of the woman you married. Even if things are not working out, that will make it easier to deal with and she'll be a better mother. That woman you married knows what she did was awful, she's just hiding from it now.
If I were you, I'd probably see an atty about the cease and desist letter, just to make sure you know what you shouldn't do (avoid any future headaches - I do think you have the best intentions NOT to get into it with him). Then I would consider apologizing to your wife. If you are truly letting her go, you can say, Look, I just want you to be happy. I shouldn't have called OM, this is between you and I and he has nothing to do with it. I've done some thinking and I can see that I got too comfortable with our relationship and didn't always appreciate you and I'm sorry for that. (your call, this might be better later when she is less angry and out of control. regardless, if you mean it and keep it brief, an apology can go a long way)
Brief, honest, and walk away. Don't mention being friends or staying married or getting divorced. What she did was so wrong, a discussion probably will not go anywhere positive.
If you don't look at yourself and what you need to change about you, you're modeling your future relationships on this failed one AND you're setting an example for your girls. Another bonus of DBing is healthier future relationships, whoever they may be with.
And you sound like a nice guy. You really do. I'd probably help with the babysitting a little more - don't be a pushover, but embrace the time with your girls. They need to know you're still there for them and showing their mother love and support is a positive example. In no time they'll be bratty teens for a few years. (my sisters and I were)
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
