when you "Start to think" you are better off without your h, read your note's description of his behavior. That is the reality of what you have lived with. And while that's what he's like, then of course you are better off without him.
Leaving him may be what ultimately saves him (but that is not your job), but for sure it'll help save YOU. And saving you IS your job. Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
tipper, that's a big list to work on! Get to work, but don't try to remake your whole life and who you are overnight. It takes time, and most importantly be true to you.
Loneliness is very hard, but don't just fill your life with meaningless stuff so you're not alone. That won't get rid of being lonely. Look inside and find what things will make you happy. Like Beatrice said, you may find you like being alone. I did, and now with H being home it is an all new kind of adjustment for me.
Start looking for little things that make you smile, things that boost your confidence.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Good morning Tipper, Hugs Your getting excellent advise from some very wise DB's on this site. I see growth, I see a person that is really trying to understand and to change the direction of their life, as WCW said It takes time, alot of hard work. Keep the focus on U, your goals, your dreams, your life and what U see in the future.
Go quietly to a place in your mind, meditate, breath, picture yourself in complete calmness, Let your Higher Power guide you. " Let go and let God " Just let go, forgive yourself and yes your husband too for he has a disease a terrible spriraling disease. A disease that you did not cause, you can not cure, and you can not change. You can not change him.
Focus, read, journal, keep posting here.
I found JOURNALING helped me to write down all of those feelings, the swirling emotions etc. I would start with the date in the book " Courage to Change " and the corresponding reading for that date, or other times i would just let the book fall open to a page and start with that. It was amazing, alot of the time it was just what i needed to hear and to concentrate on.
Believe me your concentration will get better the further U get into the program. Its hard to think, act, concentrate when your life is so upside down.
To change the subject.. Congrats on your bowling!!!
I went to alanon today, and the meeting really spoke to me. I feel sad, but I do feel like I am gaining perspective on my M problem. The more I see the reality of it all, the more I am knowing that I will be better off staying as far away from H as possible.
I believe, sometime next week - I will text H and let him know when a good time to call me would be about his Questions...as I just dont want to sit and talk to him face to face. It will only hurt me to see him. So I will insist we talk on the phone.
Today, I also went shopping with a friend for a dress for her wedding reception/celebration. It was nice to get my mind off things. Then when I got home, I took down all the pictures of H and I from around the house and replaced them with other wall hangings. I didnt cry, it felt right.
Tommorow, I am going shopping with my Mom in the a.m., then I have a baby shower for the fiance of one of my H's band member friends. I am still going to go, cuz we have been friends and sat at all the gigs together over the last 3 years. Then at night, I am going wiht my Brother to his A.A. open meeting to listen.
Then on Sunday, I am going to another baby shower for another one of the wifes from the band my H is in. Its a co-ed shower - but H will not be there (according to them), so I will go to support them. These two showers will be tough on me becuase they are all still close and friendly to my H (due to the band). But I will do my best to not cry, and when people ask about our sitch I will just say "I am letting go so I dont get dragged".
In the future, I will miss being around these girls at all the band gigs and I will miss the other guys in the band too- we called ourselves the "marblettes" cuz the bands name is "the lost marbles". I am no longer a marbelette, what a terrible feeling.
Then sunday evening I am getting together with 2 of my Best girl friends becuase I really need that girl-power right now.
It is so weird to me that I have 9 girlfriends that are all pregnant right now. We are all around the same age - mid thirties. I am a little jealous. I have always dreamed of having kids.
People at alanon told me today, they feel like this is a blessing for me from God, I have dealt with too much and If I can move on I am still young enough to start a new life and maybe find that fairytale I crave.
Good morning Tipper, Sounds like you had a good alanon meeting, and are staying busy and keeping the focus on you. Way to go!
As far as being a " marblette " I'm sorry you are losing that connection that with these people, but new people come in and out of our lifes all the time, and I believe there is a reason for that. You'll make new friends, healthy friends that will teach you a new prespective on life.
As far as the feelings of motherhood, believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel. My hubby and I were not able to have kids due to an ifertility problem on my part, and back then there was NO way we could afford " In-Vetro. I'm at a stage in my life, where my friends kids are now all having kids. So you also have to deal with not being a grandma. I get a little sad about that but just tell myself that it wasnt meant to be, but your a lot younger than me so who knows.
I love the girl power and the amazing connections that we have with other women. I have a few very close girl friends we've all been thru the muck and back one way or the other and oare there for each other when needed.
Stay strong and focused and have fun this weekend.
Good luck on your talk with your husband......remember all that you have learned thru alanon and here to keep your feet on the ground.
Cindy, you are so sweet. Thanks for talking with me.
I got a text this morning from H when I got home from church. He said:"I know it will be very difficult for us, but equally important that we talk in person. It will help preserve our friendship when this is all over, You are a Friend". Then he said: "not today, but tommorow or tuesday would be ideal".
I didnt respond. I dont know how to respond. I am thinking that tonight or tommorow I will text him and I will tell him that I am just not ready to talk to him yet. As I feel like I will just cry or get angry. It is only going to bring me down when we talk.
I know I cant avoid it forever, but I dont feel like I want to see him right now. Should I just get it done and over with?
Why do you need to talk in person? It only stirs up raw emotions and stabs away at the pain. He can say everything in an email that he needs to say. Take back your power! This is YOUR life and YOU get to make the decisions, not him! Too bad if he doesn't like it, it's not your problem.
I have no children and in a way it's a blessing with a divorce. I NEVER have to see my xh again and I've healed quicker because of that. Someday I will meet an amazing man who has grown children and I'll get to be a grandma.
Hang in there, life is better on the other side!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
what's to talk about anyhow? Logistics of him getting his stuff? What's so crucial about that? Why would you have to be f2f? A f2f conversation will NOT lead to a "friendship", esp since you are not emotionally ready. In fact it sounds as if it'll lead to a setback.
Whereas Sufficient Time and decent sober behavior MIGHT lead to friendship (but not today or Tuesday or Wednesday...)
If it's legal stuff, hire a L. But if I recall correctly there's not much property. So, that begs the question, what's to discuss?
The R? He's an actively drinking alcoholic and you don't want that insanity in your life anymore. Therefore, discussion over. The End...
Am I missing something?
Seems as if you are making this harder than it has to be. It's NOT complicated. It's hard, but it is also SIMPLE. He can call you when he's been sober A LONG ENOUGH TIME. Maybe then you'll have something to discuss. Maybe it'll never happen. Regardless, you will be happy in your new life b/c of the 180s and the GAL and the meetings and your higher power. Stay the course.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I really needed to hear that. I was afraid I was just being a B!tch for not wanting to talk to him F2F.
I still have not text H back about this topic, but I will tonight or tommorow. It will be something along the lines of this: I dont want to meet with you in person, I will be available to talk on the phone anyday between 5-6pm this week to answer your ?'s.
H doesnt have a computer since it is still here at home and he is still living in a dingy old motel (so e-mail is out of the ?).
I fear our conversation, because I am trying to not do the same old behavior as I did when H was here (cry, or getting angry,ect...). I know I need to drop the rope.
The only way I can think to do that is to act like a D is what I also want. (D is not what I want, but I cant wait around for him to get sober anymore... so a D is my only other option). When I speak with him, I need to portray strength and confidence. I need to let him know that I want him out of my life. This will be a first. But I currently feel I have no other choice if I want to get healthy and happy again.
I am so glad for your advice, as I was almost contemplating a F2F at the park or something like that. Not anymore. Thanks girls!!! TIPPER
Tipper, I agree with the rest of the forum. Why enable him? He wants whar he wants for his selfish needs. He needs to be friends and make amends after he is sober. My h wanted me to have breakfast this morning. I am leaving 1 week from today back to go back to be near my family. I confronted him about his dating sites and x rated sites and told him when he goes back to God maybe we will have breakfast. His response was what do you want me to say? I am not his mom. He needs to figure it out. Its hard, its horrible but we are not doormats. kee
