Erg. I am seriously so, so frustrated. H just left. I asked him earlier if we could talk. He wanted to watch a show. He seriously sat and watched a tv show. When I laughed at that and said something (nicely) he said, really, you wanted to talk? (No, I just brought it up for the hell of it, not because real life matters.) After the show, near the time his train was, I said, can we just talk now, can you take the next train?
h:No. The kids will be up soon and I'd really rather just talk when I come on Wednesday. (some other calm convo took place here - I did tell him that rationally I realized he cares, but the lack of emotion he shows (@the kids/moving away/etc) is kind of hard to deal with/hurtful) I'll plan on staying later and we can talk after they go to sleep.
I said, what do you want to discuss, just so we're on the same page. (yes, I feel that we need to talk, but I am not trying to force everything down his throat/blindside him. We can start with what he says. If he keeps avoiding any convo, I'll just do what I think I need to without regard for his schedule/feelings or scream at him....)
h:The schedule for the next few months, then the plan after that.
Ok, but I see myself as having limited options for the after that part, so please consider that and let me know if you have any suggestions. (we'd briefly talked the other night that $ would be tight to stay here and I'd welcome any thoughts he had)
h:Left, asked me where the trash can was in the kitchen, and said goodbye. threw away his trash from the kitchen counter before he went...that was big - he'd always left takeaway contairs, etc out on the counter and never saw them.
So now what? I'm so annoyed. I know a tv show was not more important to him than his family and that he was just avoiding things.
Seriously, my hands are shaking (it could be because it is freezing outside today). Am I stinking at DBing? We had a nice visit today - he'd repaired my necklace for mothers day (was behind on that - I let him know a quick fix place last week and he got them to do it yesterday), took a walk, played with the kids, he took D out and I stayed in and took a nap with son, lunch, playtime, some talking about general stuff. He's seeking me out, trying to come up with news items of interest, etc. He's leaving the kids alone in the living room to come talk to me in the kitchen. He rushed to get the kids ready so they could come with me on my walk this morning (I was going without them, but he asked if they could come too).
Should I just be happy with that and back off? I feel like time is slipping away, he moved out 7 months ago, cheated a year ago (May 30th - does Hallmark make a card for that?).
The lease runs another 3 months, plus a week or two. My dad would move us back at the start of Aug. With vacation and time with family, we'll probably be gone 4-5 weeks of those months. My landlady will probably ask me to let her know about the lease by the 7/1 rent check, so she has 2 months to market the apartment.
I'd love to stay here. I'd love to have my kids see their dad and hopefully have us work out some sort of long term monogamous relationship instead of a divorce. BUT, not at any cost. Not for my financial (spending money I do not have) or mental (cutting out all activities and living in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment to cut costs) health. Neither of those things help me or the kids.
So now what? Do I go dark and let him stew in it all? Do I keep things light, happy (send my usual kid pics and updates between now and weds)?
