Help, old timers please

[Return10]

Not new, been here several times but limping along especially badly for about a year. I'm 57, he's 54. We survived an affair of 4 yrs that started around 2 years into the marriage that ended on d-day in June 99, so we are coming up on 12 years. Earlier that year he lost his job, he got a new job and we were in the process of moving 1,000 miles from my daughter, our grand daughter, and the OW. First year post affair was the most painful and confusing of my life and I'm no stranger to some pretty severe trauma. I had to start antidepressants before I could even fathom many concepts from this site. But the support, empathy, and wisdom I found here was a huge help. Today several things, inside and outside of my marriage have just felt so painful.

I know I must stop looking to h to help with many of the issues.

In the marriage one of the big problems is sex. I was on those antidepressants for many years following the affair and finally got off them more than a year ago. Hoped to "get working again" as I can't manage satisfaction "the good old fashioned way" while on them. Felt like I couldn't get my h to appreciate what I needed/wanted no matter how many times I told him and even though I kept saying let's try, attempts on both our parts became fewer and further between. Please, no one try to tell me that he is obviously having an affair, like happened last time I was here. According to Michele 101 and wisdom, that's not what's important and is energy misdirected. If he is and I find out I will deal with it with a divorce. I am not made of stern enough stuff to get through another one. I am all too aware it is possible but I'm staying focused on living my life and will not waste time playing detective.

Back to the issue, to his credit, my h got some viagra, and if we had kept trying that on a semi-regular basis, when I was feeling awake, with him having a shaved face (stubble can really hurt guys), him not drunk (major turn-off for several reasons), and with a bit of mindful, tender touching, I'm pretty sure the magic would have happened. I told him many times, as nicely and creatively as I could manage that these few requests would really help. However, frequency was so rare that several weeks ago when he woke me in the middle of the night, I thought, "well at least it's an effort" and endured stubble burn and a quickie, trying to enjoy the rare touching. I remined him later that being awake and no stubble were important and could he please keep that in mind. Then I started having trouble sleeping for several reasons. He knew it was getting severe but woke me again in the middle of the night. This time I said "no thank you" and couldn't get back to sleep and wandered the house for the rest of the night. Later, I reminded him how much trouble I was having sleeping and asked him to please, not wake me in the night. The third time, this is over maybe 2-3 weeks, I made an involuntary noise of hurt and pulled away, first time ever in 18 years of marriage.

Now I'm not attracted to him. I told him and suggested we try to do something about it like another try at Retrouvaille. He says that's too painful. First try was during that first year and it helped me a lot but it wasn't long before he didn't want to keep writing. He knows I'm writing here now and went recycling and shopping.

Lastly, I will add the worst problem: When I am down, he gets twice as down and I have to pull both of us out. I know probably most folks here can relate to that. OK I'm rolling up my sleeves. I'll have to make it better, I accept that. Just having a rough time finding an end on this big ball of tangled string. I will probably need antidepressants.

So sad because we have happy things happening: that grand daughter is graduating from HS and daughter has found the "love of her life" and is getting married in Sept which will give us a 4 yo grandson! We both feel a bit concerned about the marriage, H a lot, I'm trying to get onboard. Of course there are many other problems in the marriage but there have been some very good times too. I remember a few years back sitting in our chairs with the dog and both of us feeling very grateful. Maybe we're better with me giving up on sex and on meds. There are much, much worse fates. Maybe it's time to stop whining, get the meds, and kick my big butt into better shape. Absolutely sure there are many folks here in much more acute pain and I'll try to help. There is life after affairs but you have to keep working at marriage.

OK, sorry if this is just a blubbering party today, I'll do better tomorrow.