Just journaling at this point. D and I are at a friends house in Baltimore for the weekend for his D communion.
There are emotioal triggers everywhere and I am working my way through them.
Communion over. All the friends and family start to arrive I have not seen some of them for over a year but here they are complete families and here I sit single father.
Very depressing and very lonely to say the least.
Still doing my best to smile and be happy accepting my new reality as it is.
Still does not take away from the emotion one feels in these kind of events.
Last night I was sitting with my friend talking as we were drinking. Got a little buzzed and drunk texted. Ugh. Watta DOPE!!!
Anyways it was not anything major but I should not have done it. I was in somewhat of an angry mood yesterday, and why not. As LBS are we not allowed to be angry.
I was in the attic cleaning it out on Friday and found a pic of me and X from when we started dating. I just smiled with my cell phone I took a pic of it and saved it on my phone. I figured next time we talk if the conversation went well I would share the pic with her.
Several times throughout the day and on Saturday I would look at the pic and smile.
Last night when I was drunk I texted her the pic.
M: Found it in the attic (referring to the pic(
X: hmmm what r u doing in the attic
M: I cleaned the garage and put some stuff in the attic found an old box wit pics. Do u remember that pic?
X: Yeah I think that was in Vermont
M: No that was when we first started dating...within 2 months
X: Oh U were always better at remembering that kind of stuff...lol ooops lol now that I look closer it was taken in a car so no don't remember that pic I guess...Sorry
Maybe it was the alcohol but I was annoyed.
M: Yeah well just found it anyways thought I'd sent it
X: No need to get all pissy. I'm sorry. Do u remember the pic?
M: yeah i do
X: thanks for sharing the pic with me
X: Oh and got the book Thank You
X: And u decided to clean out the garage? Weird lol
M: Yeah I know you got the book
X: Oh Ok
Again nothing major but I should not have sent the text and this is really the first time I have drunk texted since Nov. Don't know what happened or what got over me.
Family activies trigger emotions in me i don't like or don't feel like I should still be having. It is very frustrating and for the most part I try and stay away from them but some things you can't avoid, specially after last weekend that I had company and spent very little time with my D I thought this would be a nice getaway for her. She is having a blast running around playing with all the kids so in hindsight the getaway was a good thing.
My friend was b!tching about his W and kids and these "stupid" family functions. I told him I would give an arm to be able to complain about this stuff again. Take every moment and cherish it because you never know when you don't have them anymore. Of course most of us don't get that till it is too late. I hope he heard me.
I have been humbled by all this, that is for sure.
