After what? After After!

[Denver_2010]

A part of me loves that all of this is taking time away from OM. Does that make me a bad person?

Ummmm... NO!!

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Ummmm... NO!!

That's a relief!

I sent her a pic last night like I said I would on our call. It was a good one. I was taking D and the dog for a bike ride, so I put the dogs "doggles" (dog sunglasses) on and I gave D her sunglasses. It was a little tough, but I finally got a good pic of both of them with their shades on.

The pic led to some texts back and forth, about D, work, and her trip to her moms this weekend. All light and pleasant talk.

I also sent the pic to MIL. I knew it would be one she would like since she also loves the dog so much. She replied back "I love it! Thanks CS"

W will have D all weekend, hope they have a good time with MIL. I know she'll really appreciate the visit.

Oh, on a not so fun note, I will be dropping my response off with the L today to be filed. W should get her copy next week before she goes on her trip to the coast with MIL.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

25, you made a good point. Just keep being good

CS, when we act from our core values it is easy to be good.

So I got a long text from her today regarding some schedule changes. She is taking next Sat and Sun off to go to the coast with her mom. She switched the days with others, which means some changes with daycare and my time with D.

Are these changes good for you? Does she reciprocate schedule changes to benefit your time with D2?
Scratch this, i see you answered it later

She brought up how she has times now of feeling normal, but still a lot of saddness. She cried for a while yesterday. Talked about how preoccupied her mind is, which I know people here said it would be).

Is this crying just for her dad or your sitch too?

If the later, she really should seek IC.

A part of me loves that all of this is taking time away from OM. Does that make me a bad person?

Don't be too happy about this, they can still text each other sweet nothings and continue to an EA. (sorry, but just saying the truth.)

Keep doing what you need to do for yourself.
Hang out with the guys when D2 is away.

cheers, gr8

[ninelives]

Try not to focus on the OM. 25 keepr reminding me that he is not the problem although he was part of the solution for her. I dont think this makes you a bad person Country, its normal behaviour.

You keep being that strong foundation for her and everything else will take care of itself.

I fear though that you are putting the GAL thing on the backburner. I just have that feeling and I hope I am wrong.

Do it Country, be YOU for yourself and not for alterior motives.

Have a great weekend. Its the May 2-4 weekend for us Canadians.

Used to be a big party weekend for us but that has faded a little.

9

[♪CS♪]

Are these changes good for you? Does she reciprocate schedule changes to benefit your time with D2?
Scratch this, i see you answered it later

I know you said you saw the answer, but I just want to reiterate. One part about this where I am very lucky based on a lot of other sitchs I read, is with regards to D. We have a true 50/50 split and we both understand the importance of her having time with both of us. Especially, at this time, I feel like it would be extremely inappropriate to flex my nuts at all here. The schedule change is so she can go to the coast with her mom for her moms birthday. Considering the circumstances, even if this did cause me to be shorted a day or two; I see it as an appropriate compromise to make.

Is this crying just for her dad or your sitch too?

I have no idea really, and she didn’t mention why, but my guess is it was solely about her dad. I really don’t think she has emotional capacity to think about “us” right now. Maybe in time, this will get her thinking differently about it, but I don’t think yet.

Don't be too happy about this, they can still text each other sweet nothings and continue to an EA. (sorry, but just saying the truth.)

Thanks for the buzz kill! Hey, at least they’re not knocking naughties!

TBH, that comment was made kind of tongue and cheek.

Keep doing what you need to do for yourself.
Hang out with the guys when D2 is away.

That’s the plan. Have a BBQ on Sat which will be a nice break. Weather looks good, should be fun.

I fear though that you are putting the GAL thing on the backburner. I just have that feeling and I hope I am wrong.

You are right, but it was a sacrifice I needed to make. I had D almost every day for the week and a half following her dads passing. Things were busy, maybe frantic is a better word. We did do some fun things in there too however. Things are getting back to normal with that though. Like I said, I have a BBQ Sat which will be fun. Unfortunately, Sun they are showing rain, but I could use a day to work on the house anyways. Not quite GAL, but the unfortunate responsibilities of real life.

Have a great weekend. Its the May 2-4 weekend for us Canadians.

I will make sure to solute our neighbors to the north this weekend as I am enjoying a cold one!

[♪CS♪]

Yesterday was great. Good day of BBQ and beer.

W sends two pics last night, with a decent size note to go with about what D is doing etc.

It took my a while to respond and when I did I just said "thanks. cute."

W: Anytime!

Then, first thing this morning a video of D dancing. Pretty funny one.

A couple text about it.

Then, kind of unsusual for me, I sent her a funny YouTube clip I was watching at the time. She replied with "halliarious!"

Boy, sometimes this just all feels so odd...

[25yearsmlc]

CS,

why can't you just see these good moments as gifts?

I'd bet the tears are about her father (this seems obvious to me). So what if they aren't for you? Geez, they're also not about OM.

Let's keep our perspective. She lost the foundational man in her life, quite unexpectedly and quite recently. That's a traumatic, pivotal experience in life.

Losing my father was a very underrated event. It was a big deal. Please don't let people tell you that any of this should be about you, right now.

Hope this doesn't offend, but you must realize this grief won't pass in weeks. Maybe not months. She's already doing better than I was at this point. Be her friend for now. Later on we can help you make things about you and the M.

[♪CS♪]

As always 25, thanks for the reply.

why can't you just see these good moments as gifts?

I do see the positive, really, I do. It just also seems so WEIRD! I know for the folks here, it's not that strange, but man, for an outsider, it has to seem bizarre. Maybe it's just me

Let's keep our perspective. She lost the foundational man in her life, quite unexpectedly and quite recently. That's a traumatic, pivotal experience in life.

Losing my father was a very underrated event. It was a big deal. Please don't let people tell you that any of this should be about you, right now.

Hope this doesn't offend, but you must realize this grief won't pass in weeks. Maybe not months. She's already doing better than I was at this point. Be her friend for now. Later on we can help you make things about you and the M.

I keep trying to remind myself of this, and can always use the reminder, so thank you. She has only opened up to me about her feelings a couple of times, so really, it is hard to say how she is doing day to day. I know it has to be very hard.

I am just trying to be her friend right now, I just have to admit it isn't the easiest thing in the world. It has me much more attached than I was before this happened.

It is worth it though IMO, and I am strong enough to do it.

It's not complicated, but it's not easy, right?

[♪CS♪]

One of the things I have been studying through all of this is Mindfulness. The quote below, I thought could be useful to many here.

By tuning in to mental processes, we are able to recognize that our thoughts are just thoughts; they don't necessarily represent reality. We can observe them rather than being subject to them.

[LITB]

Just wanted to drop in Country. That is a great quote. I was battling some thoughts today. They turned out to be just that.....thoughts.

Hope you had yourself a great weekend.