Sanderika you are in a hard place. Your husband is seeking your friendship. Understand that for him you are on a pedestal, and he feels pretty worthless. He is living in an altered reality, and the OW is below him [if that isn't an unkind thing to say] Thus in his sense of inadequacy, he feels comfortable with her.
Re-read TMAK's thread on reconnection.
When I said that you cannot save the marriage, I meant that you on your own cannot do this. Like you I lost my future and my financial security, and I am older than you! So I know what you mean. I would not oppose the divorce. Just calmly go ahead with it. I promise that two to three months post divorce you will start to feel better. If you want some time out from your h coming round, don't pretend it is OK. It is alright to say that divorce makes a difference. A few months down the line you may feel more like being friendly again.
It is much more authentic not to wear a mask the whole time. If the divorce hurts you then let your husband know this - calmly and with dignity, which is very much your style. You could just say 'I need some time to get used to the idea of being divorced. Could you spend time with our son somewhere else for a while',[ or at your house, but you be out].
My sense here, and I could be wrong is that you have dbed your socks off, but not as much for yourself to flourish and have fun over the past 5+ years. As a divorced woman your h has no more rights than a stranger to come into your home. They simply do not think it through. In fact some even go so far as to think it will be easier to start over once you are divorced, with a clean slate.
In some ways my situation was easier as my h did not come round all the time, and did want to be friends. There are some signs now that he is rethinking this, but at a snali's pace, and I am fine. I can handle it if he does, and I am content if he doesn't.
I do not know if you know anything about Ignatian spirituality [based on the teachings of St Ignatius Loyola] There is a concept of indifference to one's fate which is like detachment. it doesn't mean you do not care, but that you are content with whatever happens, knowing that it will be good for you. I can now see my journey had purpose and meaning for me. Perhaps your well planned and hard earned life is not the best life for you - perhaps there is something else in store.
I think you are on the path to detaching - those feelings of disgust are normal and natural and will pass. Because you have been so nice and so kind you haven't allowed yourself to feel them before. We all feel something like this, I believe, at some point.
While we are 'waiting' for our marriage to be restored we are on tenterhooks and it is our goal. But actually the goal is inside us. That is why they tell us to focus on ourselves, on what we want and need. The restoration of our marriage is what we all come here looking for, and success is still often seen in this happening. But the reality is that MLC is a hard path, and takes a long time. I am not saying we shouldn't give restoring our marriage our best shot, but it may or may not happen, whereas we do have the power to transform ourselves. Hugs
