Keeping the Faith

[Sanderika]

Beatrice, thank you so much for your compassion for us all.

Yes, I dread being divorced.

Yes, I have remained hopeful and faithful that our marriage would be repaired and renewed.

I am at a crossroads. I understand that he wants to be friends with me. I do not know how to do this when I do not respect his lifestyle and choice of the OW.

It has been so hard to say goodbye to him when he leaves. He appears to leave with contentment that we are friends. He appears happy and with a calm sense of satisfaction after having kind conversations and accepting (I'm not slamming the door in his face or telling him to wait on the porch or ignoring his calls and hiding upstairs when he contacts) motions from me and son.

It is hard to describe, but he seems relaxed and comfortable in his world. He is obviously liking being friends with me.

However, it is still a very one-sided friendship. He reaches out to converse with me and I refuse to reach out to converse with him.

I have opted to let him say goodbye and I just turn and walk away or go about my business and let him just go. I usually keep up my project w/o skipping a beat or just shut the door which is new for me not to walk him outside.

He has spent a great deal of time reconnecting to son, he has spent the last 7 weekends in a row with him and I know both are enjoying this time a great deal. It does make me happy to see this. It has been a long time coming. H did absolutely nothing with son for well over 5.5 years. Due to this new found relationship I have seen a good deal more of H.

I do not like my disgust and hateful feelings, I hope I can navigate through this relatively quickly.

I understand that I cannot save the marriage, I have done the work required and it appears he isn't really interested in doing the same. Beatrice, I am not gaining any satisfaction in not reaching my ultimate goal which was to restore our marriage. I am still having a hard time realizing this. Thus, I am growing in disgust and hate.

Where am I going from here?

What will come next for me?

I am disappointed that I am not really on the path to detaching.

I recently had an IC appt. and I said that I have lost my future. I really feel like I have. My well planned and hard earned life is gone. I have lost my husband, family and career in this. I am a Mom on her own struggling to find work and peace of mind.

I need to get there by September. We will have a scheduled court appearance then and I need to put an end to the marriage.

Beatrice, you are a wonderful friend, thank you...

Sanderika