Sanderika, as I understand it, true detachment is not feeling hateful towards our spouses.
The reluctance to come home is I think fear of being unhappy, and guilt at all the pain they caused us. The do not know what they want for the longest time. Usually they do not intend to torement, although sometimes they want others to feel the hurt and pain they do, But I think this varies for each MLCer.
Getting there is not a point of no return. I thought that too, and was therefore, without realising it, afraid of detaching fully. Detaching, as I understand it, is finally being really OK on your own, really OK in yourself, and content with your lot. It doesn't depend in any way, shape or form on what your spouse is doing. Thus they cannot hurt you or harm you by their actions and inactions. It is the place of no expectations. But it isn't a cold dry aloof place. Detached I can feel much more real compassion than I was able to feel before when I was hurt by what he did, and forgiveness was a real struggle.
Sanderika - you cannot save the relationship - you have tolerated bad behaviour for a long time, and if you are now feeling disgust then you are acknowledging what you truly feel and this is authentic and right. This feeling will not last forever.
As to why the OW stays - they are needy damaged women, and so are our WAS. In addition in most cases the WAS is financially bailing them out - not always. Some of the OWs find someone that is better suited to them, and move on, others stay perhaps in the hope that the r will become permanent.
Please believe me when I say that detachment does not harden you, it softens you and enables you to be the person you really are - you aren't always responding or reacting to your WAS. You have time for others, energy you didn't have before and a new zest for life. The negative bit of the path you are on right now is like a rough bit of road before a lovely country walk.
Btw, it took me the longest time to get detached - oddly enough being divorced helped. What I dreaded liberated me!!
