I definitely feel like he's leading the perfect life right now. He gets to be a husband and Daddy whenever its convenient for him... but I also know he's miserable. He's told me on several occasions that he is just so generally unhappy, and that he doesn't know if its me/our marriage that is causing his unhappiness or what. When he first left, he said he wanted to see if he could be happy without me. In recent conversations he has told me that he's not any happier without me (but then, is he really without me?) but he's also told me that he doesn't even enjoy doing his favourite things - like he bought brand new skis and golf clubs, hoping to use some of his new-found 'free' time doing stuff he loves to do but hasn't made the time for over the last couple of years. When he went away skiing a few times in the winter, he told me it was 'okay' and that he really didn't have much fun. Same goes for golfing now.. He's forcing himself to GAL, but he's not really enjoying it..
So I guess I failed to mention when describing my situation is that when he left, I had expressed my concern about his unhappiness and requested that, at the very least, he speak to his doctor about it. He actually agreed.. however, it took months and months before he actually went to see his doctor who did give him a referral to a psychiatrist. Well the referral took another 2 months, and he actually just had his appt about 2 weeks ago with the psychiatrist. I haven't actually asked him about the appt directly - I feel its his beast that he is battling with right now, and I am giving him his space. And for someone like him, talking about talking to someone is the absolute worst thing you could ask him to do. Honestly, I was just very happy that he shared the info with me that he actually had an appointment, and when it was etc. And I am so very proud of him for going through with it. Well anyways after his appointment, he told me that it didn't really help and he doubts he will go back again. I was not surprised. I really really feel like he is going through some sort of depression (whether it be due to our marital issues, or something else altogether), so I was very disappointed that after waiting 6 months for this appointment - it pretty much went nowhere. But again I wasn't surprised - I was just secretly holding out hope that this could help us somehow, or even pursuade him to go back to counseling. No such luck.
Anyways, fast forward to the last couple of days. His doctor left a vmail on Sunday night wanting to talk to him about a recent referral (obviously his appt with the shrink), and now I suspect he has been prescribed anti-depressants. This does not change anything with respect to my efforts in DB, but now I feel even more inclined to fight for our marriage. I don't want to blame our problems on depression, and I am not so naive to believe that drugs will make him a new man, but I do feel like we are dealing with more than just the two of us now, and that both scares me and makes me feel relieved all at the same time. Does that make sense?
