That little engine that will ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Almost a month since my last post ... guess I've really been getting a life. I'll start with with me since that's where my head continues to be ... me, myself and I LOL.

I'm completely detached from the craziness and enjoying my life to the fullest. I continue to train for my upcoming National Competition which starts June 2nd. I fly out of here May 30th and am really looking forward to some great competition. I've been hanging out with old friends and some new "friends" and having a great time. I went out and got my nose pierced which is something I've always wanted to do.

My relationship with the kids continues to be strong, open and honest. D continues to catch H in lies and is growing increasingly frustrated with H. She finally blew up and said that H was not longer going to be her daddy if he kept lying to her so I sat her down this week and had a heart to heart with her about it. I explained to her that it is not right for H to lie to her; however, that he is currently not in his right mind and he likely thinks that lying to her is protecting her. He is just not capable right now of seeing how much this is hurting her. I’ll explain more on the lying later because it’s his issue, not mine.

Work has kept me really busy as I’m organizing our Triennial Convention in another community which begins June 17th. I will fly over there for two weeks as soon as I return from the National Competition to hopefully put the finishing touches on everything and to be fully prepared when our 250 delegates and guests arrive. It’s funny, I work for the political office of our organization and following this Convention, I may not have a job as I am an “appointment at the leisure of the elected official”. My current boss is retiring and therefore not seeking re-election which should have me worried … but for some reason, I’m not. I just have a gut instinct telling me that everything is going to be fine no matter how it turns out.

Now, on to H. He is a mess and still deep in replay. He has moved on to OW2 and I believe he started drawing towards her as soon as he dumped OW1. As far as I know, she is a bit older than the last one, I think 26 so only 10 years younger than him. She does not liver here. He has mentioned her to me a few times, almost cryptically and I can’t help but laugh as he has said so many contradictory things about her. This is one who was in town here for a weekend and when the day came for her to arrive, he started texting me telling me how he really didn’t even care to see her, blah blah. He is a mess and I’m not sure he’ll ever come out of the fog he is in.

He is currently on a trip to New York with OW2. This is the latest lie that he was caught in as he told me he was going with her. The kids started asking me about his trip and I had no idea he hadn’t told them anything so during the conversation, they asked who he was going with and I said a girl. Well, D instantly picked up the phone and started grilling H who in turn, told her that he was going with male friend. When she hung up, she asked me why I was lying to her and I said I wasn’t … that was what H told me. Well, that night, she got a hold of my cell phone and was reading texts and there it was, a message from H telling me that he was going to New York with a girl. She was/is hurt and angry and I don’t really blame her.

As for his trip, I joked with him about it and told him to have a great time. I have been very nonchalent about the OW2 talks and pretty much supportive of him doing whatever it takes to find happiness. The way I figure it, he is either going to find happiness with someone else or he’s going to realize that he needs to sort himself out first. Either way, there is nothing I can do about it and he needs to go through it. Besides, it was right after he returned from trip with OW1 that he decided she wasn’t the one … so maybe this little trip will have the same affect LOL. If not, that’s ok too. This is his journey.

H continues with touch and goes with me as well. Friday night, (2 days b4 leaving on trip with OW2) he sends me a message around 2 am asking me to come to his place for some fun. I tell him he can come to my place, he knows how to find my room in the dark. He says, you mean I just cleaned for nothing, this is a first impression for you, you have never passed the doorway. I respond saying I’ve never been invited and he says, well you are invited now. I tell him it’s too late and I’m sleepy … sweet dreams.

So, on Sunday, I go over to his place to pick something up. He is standing in the kitchen making lunch so I grab what I need, still in doorway and say thanks. Then he starts making small talk … I was dressed a little provocative and he is staring. When he runs out of things to say, he says to our D, you know, your mom has never seen your room so she comes and takes me by the hand to show me around. He is staring the entire time and once my tour is finished, I go to leave again and he says, did you see the bathroom? I say no and he tells me to go and look so I do. Come back compliment him and get ready to leave again and he tells the kids to show me a couple more things … LOL, can you say trying to keep the eye candy there a bit longer?

A couple of hours later, he comes by my place to drop off kids and does a couple of things around the house for me. I’m still wearing same outfit so he hovers a little longer even though he told me he had a big list of chores to complete prior to leaving on his trip. I thank him and tell him he should get going to get his list of stuff done, I can finish up around the house. I tell him to have a great trip and off he goes. Low and behold, he’s back, a half hour later with a cake that our D had won at a family fun night at their school. I’m out doing some yard work so I tell him to just put it in the garage and thank him. Again, I tell him to have a great trip. Done right? Nope, two more phone calls that night about trivial little things that certainly could have waited and both times, I end the call telling him to have a great trip.

Monday comes, again, about 5 phone calls regarding silly things, last one about an hour b4 he should be meeting up with OW2 at airport. This was the funny one, he tells me he got a letter at his place, addressed to me but with his address on it so he opened it. I said, you did what, but kept it light-hearted because obviously, curiosity got the better of him. Anyway, it was from one of the candidates in our recent election – someone who I have supported in the past but who definitely did not have my support this time, although the letter apparently indicated that they thought otherwise. H joked with me about it, knowing full well my political views and knowing that I worked Election Day as a scrutineer for the candidate whom I did support. We both chuckled and again, I ended the conversation telling him to have a great trip.

I haven’t heard from him since he left on his trip, although he has called kids a coujple of times to check in.

There has been a lot of things he is doing and saying that I also want to put down, more so to journal than anything so I’ll just put them out in point form:

- he has told me he is timid and unsure around me as he is afraid to be judged
- I in turn told him that I am here for him to talk to and that I won’t judge him, that I have compassion for him and hope he finds happiness – also told him I haven’t always felt that way over the past year, until I found my own peace
- he has told me that he really hoped and felt that I would be happier after all this
- I in turn told him that I conciously choose happiness every day – that I play with the hand I’ve been dealt and I was dealt a D so I make the best of it
- he has told me he has not been sleeping, he has psoriasis that has broken out really bad and generally he’s just not healthy

Think that’s it for now … as I said, I believe he is still deep in replay. I continue to standing but question it more and more every day and have for quite some time. At this point, I want the man that I know he can be and I’m not sure that man exists if that makes any sense?