18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

Thanks. I was telling onmyway not to doubt himself the other day, since this is a roller coaster and emotionally it is so easy to get up and down, regardless of where you really are. Now I'm back on a slide too.

I just wonder sometimes. If we did reconcile, could things really work out or will I just be back in this place in a few years again? Maybe we just aren't that important to him. I remember he told me when I was pregnant with daughter that he'd always love me best of all, joking that he had to love our kids since they were related. Did he miss a gene for what love actually is? I think he thinks so. That there is something wrong or broken in him.

I still have such amazing joy in my life. We had a wonderful morning cuddle today. Later, when my D started crying that she missed her daddy "soo much" today, I just about snapped. I KNOW how important a dad is to a little girl. I want to ask him how I should respond when she asks what happened to make daddy leave. How I should tell her that daddy loved himself and a stripper more than mommy and living with her. I think of all the crap he put me through while I was pregnant. And I just want to book a moving truck and leave. I don't understand cheating, but I surely understand the reason behind WAWs.

He's putting a lot of time and energy into an organizational thing at work. I want him to succeed at work and if this is part of that, great. But really, that's what is important?

Erg, I'm not trying to get anyone down. It's a gorgeous day, people are healthy and doing well. I'm just thinking, maybe he's not worth all this. maybe he's not good enough.